Hey, Guess What?

The beauty of people is that we're all different. I think that I'm better than most people out there at accepting people for what/who they are and seeing the inherent beauty in every human being. The thing is? That's a challenge with some people more than others. I've mentally beaten myself up at every turn for not being a 100% success in my endeavors to rise above. The thing is? I just didn't get it back then, and, by "back then", I'm referring to as far back as yesterday. Anyhow... I've known this for a while, but it's been made even more clear here recently. Are you ready? I mean, this is some heavy shit, but, guess what? We don't all have to like one another.

Is that a shocker? You know, we don't. We do not all have to like one another. Just because you liked me does not obligate me to like you. Just because I like you, in turn, that does not obligate you to like me. We don't have to like all the same people, we don't have to do all the same things or go all the same places or know all the same people. Period.

The thing is? I refuse to spend another moment feeling guilty for the fact that there are just some people I do not like. When I feel guilty, I try to overcome how I feel. When I do that, I only end up resenting whomever I dislike even more, and I end up resenting myself because I can't overcome something when I'm one of the best overcomers I know. A lot of things, in my opinion, are not worth agonizing over, and someone I do not like is one of those things.

"If I could be like that..."

I'm tired.

those two words encompass it all. there isn't much I'm not tired of.

30 Days of Truth (Day 29)

Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Didn't I already answer this in various ways?

30 Days of Truth (Day 28)

Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Quite simply put... I'd jump off a bridge.

I have no business pro-creating at this stage in my life. The child I have is grown, I more or less fucked that adventure up, so do I deserve another shot at rearing a human being? I don't think so.

Part of me, though, just a small molecule-sized portion of me thought it might be fun to raise a little Witch.

Seriously, though? I'm done. I'm ready to enter a life where the focus is on me and whomever I end up with. If they have kids, that's fine, but I have no desire to create any more of them.

30 Days of Truth (Day 26)

Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes. I have considered it. Once. It was a little over 5 years ago. Basically, I'd had about all I thought I could handle.

Luckily, I was ignorant as to the effects of the pharmaceuticals I was ingesting. I didn't realize I'd be knocked out long before something detrimental could happen to me. I'd like to say I woke up with a renewed outlook on life, but that didn't happen. It was a long and hard road back, and an even more arduous journey to where I am now. I can honestly say that this is one thing I'm glad I failed at.

30 Days of Truth (Day 25)

Day 25 The reason you believe you're still alive today.

The simple answer is this: "because I'm supposed to be here."

Because I'm not finished yet. Because I haven't decided to try to leave again. Because there's something here for me I've yet to find. Because, when it mattered most, I had some kick ass doctors taking care of me. Because I've been very lucky. Because nobody has killed me yet. Because it simply isn't my time to go.

30 Days of Truth (Day 23)

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Hmmm... I'm kind of stuck on this one. I wish I had been more brave in some instances. In other instances, I wish I had left well enough alone. sometimes, I wish I had used the sense I know I have.

I think that's all I've got.

30 Days of Truth (Day 22)

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

If I wish I hadn't done it, doesn't that mean I regret it? I don't think regret is a good thing to live with in life. No matter what someone does, is doing, or has done, there has been a lesson delivered by the universe, and that lesson should be appreciated. I guess there are some things I could stand to not have learned again and again and again, but... Ya know? Too bad. Most things I did were exactly what I wanted to be doing when I was doing them. I'm fortunate that way. How many people get to say they've always done what they wanted to do?

That's a lie. I've rarely done exactly what I "wanted" to do. Okay... here's what I regret. I regret allowing other people to tell me what I "wanted".

Something

30 Days of Truth (Day 21)

Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Duh... I haul ass to the hospital and sit at her side because she needs me. I'd do whatever I think she needs.

30 Days of Truth (Day 20)

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I'm generally not a fan of anything that causes havoc and destruction in the lives of people and those close to them. That being said, if you can go out drinking and have a good time without becoming dependent on alcohol or killing someone because you were dumb enough to drive while shit-faced, more power to ya. I'm not going to lie... I drink on occasion myself. In fact, I used to be a very heavy drinker. My whole world changed one summer when I watched most of my friends get DUIs, and I made connections in my head and realized that a lot of them have genuine problems with substance abuse. I decided those were not going to be lessons I needed to learn the hard way, and I cut WAY back. I'm glad I was able. Sure, though, I'm still known to have a drink or two. I didn't go cold turkey.

As far as drugs go... I have little to no use for them. I don't understand why weed is illegal, but it isn't something I use anyhow. That could change... who knows? Other, more hard core things? I stay the hell away from that shit. I'm fond of pain meds... if I'm in pain. I'm fond of sleeping pills... if I need to sleep. I'm fond of anti-anxiety meds... if I'm feeling anxious.

I guess I don't feel the need to alter my mind in order to have a good time. Some do, and, hey... as long as you're not killing anyone else in the process or going home and beating your wife and children or making anyone who isn't YOU pay in any way, shape, or form, either literally or figuratively, for your habits, then do what you will.

30 Days of Truth (Day 19)

Day 19: What do you think of religion, or what do you think of politics?

WARNING: This is MY blog, and it is not my job to coddle you or your views of "God".

Getting the easy part out of the way, I don't think much about politics at all. I don't read the paper, I don't watch the news, and I try very hard to avoid all political debates and discussions. Why? Because it all pisses me off way too much, and I don't really need the added stress. There are a few key topics about which I am passionate and will occasionally speak out about, such as the reproductive rights of women. Well, maybe that's the only topic. haha. Why that even needs to be up for political debate is beyond me, but there it is, no?

Anyhow... on to the good stuff.

~I think organized religion is bullshit and was created by man in an endeavor to control men.

~I think personal religion is a fine thing as long as it keeps you in check and is what inspires you to try to be a better person.

~I go back and forth between believing God is a product of man and that man is a product of God. Forced to choose, I believe God is a product of man.

~Using the bible to try to sway me in any religious themed argument is tantamount to me attempting to sway you with Dr. Seuss.

~Mostly, I believe all paths lead to the same destination.

~I believe in reincarnation. I think our souls always present as human beings, and the notion that we come back as cows, frogs, or cockroaches is a notion I reject. I do not believe we attain an ultimate state of enlightenment where we just "stop" coming back. I believe our souls go on forever.

~Unless you're trying to convert me or trying to shove your views down my throat and are trying to tell me that I'm wrong and you're the only one who is right, I say, "to each his or her own."

~People who claim the US is a Christian nation that was founded on Christian principles piss me off. Most of the founding fathers were either Deists or atheists. It isn't my job to tell you what a Deist is. Google is your friend. I will, however, tell you that it has nothing to do with Jesus or Christianity.

~I think if Jesus were alive today, he would be appalled by the actions of about 99% of "his" "people".

~I think a lot of horrible things have been done in the name of religion, Christianity, Jesus, and Allah. Did you know that "Allah" is not the name of the god of Islam? "Allah" is simply the Arabic word for "God". They worship the same God as everyone else.

~My religion is very personal to me, and you will never catch me trying to convert someone or shove my views down their throat. If asked, I will share. Nothing more; nothing less.

I think I'm done for now.

30 Days of Truth (Day 18)

Day 18: My views on gay marriage.

Usually, I like to say my official position on this topic is that I have no official position. To me, to imply that I do have an opinion either way makes it okay to have an opinion on it, and, to me, this should be a topic where no opinions are warranted. I mean, really? Whose business is it what goes on in the lives/hearts/homes of two people OTHER than the two people involved? Oh... no one's. Period.

If I have to come out and say something either way, I'm all for it. Love is love and no one has the right to decide what is right for anyone other than one's self. Period.

30 Days of Truth (Day 17)

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your view on something.

I'm going to have to say that book is called "Mockery of Justice" by Sam Reese Sheppard, son of Marilyn Sheppard and Dr. Sam Sheppard.

I was exposed to this book back in the mid 90s. At first, the Akron Beacon Journal was running a week long story about the decades old mystery surrounding the murder of Marilyn Sheppard in the family's Bay Village home. Dr. Sheppard was accused of the crime, he was tried, convicted, and spent several years in prison before the United States Supreme Court overturned his conviction. Dr. Sheppard's trial, according to the high Court, was inordinately biased by a rabid media who was hell bent on seeing an affluent Dr. pay for the murder of his wife.

Dr. Sheppard always insisted he was knocked unconscious by an intruder in the home and steadfastly maintained his innocence. You may recall, this story was the inspiration for both the television show and the movie, "The Fugitive", and the Supreme Court hearing that overturned Dr. Sheppard's conviction is the case that made F. Lee Bailey famous.

Any way you slice the pie, Dr. Sheppard was railroaded, unfairly convicted, and his trial was conducted in a, to quote a Supreme Court Justice, "circus-type atmosphere". Jury was not sequestered and were free to read sensationalized newspaper stories and anyone had access to talk to them. Worse yet, when Dr. Sheppard was arrested, all investigation into the murder of Marilyn Sheppard ceased.

Decades later, it was discovered, through DNA testing, that blood found at the crime scene, mixed with Mrs. Sheppard's blood did not belong to Marilyn or anyone else who lived in the Sheppard home. It was, in fact, a match to a man who had been employed as a window washer by the Sheppards. This man had also been caught previously attempting to burglarize the Sheppard home while he was supposed to be working there. There were leads leading right up to this man when the case was originally investigated that were ignored because everyone was convinced that Dr. Sheppard was the killer.

Why? Media bias. The biggest media source came from blue-collar Cleveland,OH, and it was a joy for them to see an affluent Dr. get persecuted publicly.

This story changed my view of the media. I used to believe something just because I saw it on the news or read it in the newspaper. This is no longer the case.

30 Days of Truth (Day 16)

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I could definitely live without people who don't make an attempt to understand.

I could definitely live without people who generate drama just for shits and giggles.

I could definitely live without hatred and intolerance in the world.

I could definitely live without having to learn the hard way.

I could definitely live without feeling like I don't matter.

I could definitely live without buying more shoes I won't wear (but we all know that won't happen.)

I could definitely live without fake friends.

I could definitely live without the cat attacking my feet.

I could definitely live without the weather growing colder.

I could definitely live without the scare that I just had.

I could definitely live without having to give up something I liked.

I could definitely live without lima beans.

Anyhow... There ya go...

30 Days of Truth (Day 15)

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

The completely honest answer is that there is no one/nothing I couldn't "live" without. Well, except for maybe oxygen and food. I think, though, that the topic wasn't particularly relating to no-brainers like this.

I know there are things I felt I couldn't live WITH before. I felt I couldn't live with another second of drama, but I learned that I could because things only get worse before they get better.

See, it's times like that when you learn to slow it down. Some people get through with the "one day at a time" philosophy, and that's a great outlook on life... Just take it as it comes, next thing you know, you've gotten through. Sometimes, though, one day is entirely too much. Sometimes folks need to slow it down to "one hour at a time" or even "one minute at a time."

I know, for me, yesterday, I was running on about "two hours at a time". I got through and have lived to see another day.

To sum it up... give no one or nothing the kind of power in your life that says you'll never be able to function with out it/him/her. I am living proof that anything can be gotten through. Ask around. some of my closest friends will tell you, so trust me when I say that all you desperately need is breathable air and an obstinate spirit. (yeah, that's me.)

30 Days of Truth (Day 14)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

I've got nothing...

Well... I guess there's me. For as far as I have come, I see that I'm still horribly flawed. I still get horribly disappointed in myself when I think or act in ways I don't like.

30 Days of Truth (Day 13)

Day 13: A band or artist who has gotten you through some tough ass days.

Dear Corey Taylor: I love you. I know, we haven't even met yet, but I do, and I just thought you should know it.

I've been a Stone Sour fan for a long ass time, and I've recently become a Slipknot fan. From the moment I first heard SS's first cd, I felt like I had found an answer I had been seeking. I looked long and hard for an artist I could relate to, and I found that in you. No one does raw emotion like you, Corey. No one.

At first, the way you handled anger appealed to me, but now, there is nothing you've sang, screamed, or said that I can't say, "yeah, I've felt that before. I wish I could have found those words to vent it." Thank you for all you've given me. Now, I leave you with some of my favorite lyrics...

XOXO
Dissy

"I'm not broken, I'm not plastic, I'm no whore, used against me use me again..."

"so if you love me, let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care, I can't destroy what isn't there..."

"does it make you feel alive I had to die to finally let you go?"

"why can't anybody see what's good for you is bad for me?"

"If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it..."

"Must have been a bitch, must have been a pain..."

"I only wish you weren't my friend, then I could hurt you in the end..."

"I cannot deny that you were designed for my punishment..."

"I'm just a secret now, I'm just a vague illusion, I'm a lie you tell yourself that you never truly did believe. I'm a whisper in the dark, I'm a victim and the killer. I am almost ready now, but you insist I don't exist..."

"tell me I should stick around for you, tell me I can have it all, I'm still too tired to care, and I've gotta go..."

"someone tell me why does any of it matter?"

"now I know I disappear. I can't find my way from out of here..."

"I'm not Jesus, I will not forgive..."

"free my severed heart..."

"I exist through my need to self-oblige"

"my love was punished long ago, if you still care, don't ever let me know."

"all I need to make it real is one more reason..."

"why give me hope, then give me up just to be the death of me?"

"don't pretend that you understand me. I don't even want you looking at me..."

"never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest. I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season..."

"do you want to know how many times I tore myself apart cause you're not here?"

"all my life, I've been holding back, consider this my last request..."

"this was something I couldn't have. That just made me want it more..."

and... to wrap it up...

"so break yourself against my stones, and spit your pity in my soul. You never needed any help. you sold me out to save yourself. And I won't listen to your shame. You ran away, you're all the same... "

30 Days of Truth (Day 12)

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

I think, at this point in my life, I've probably gotten compliments on just about everything that is compliment worthy at least once or twice.

I never get compliments on the fact that my feet don't stink? Is that a good answer?

Once, I had a guy ask me if I've ever had braces on my teeth. I said I had not. He said he's never come across a set of teeth as naturally straight as mine. I told him he never would either. haha.

I wish I got more compliments on my sense of humor. To me, it is in the top 3 things I like about myself. I can always find something to laugh about, no matter how "wrong" it is.

I never get compliments about my patience. Probably because I'm not very patient. Maybe I should work on that one.

Seriously though, while I appreciate those who DO notice, I don't think enough people comment on or appreciate just how much I've grown and changed these past 5 years. It kind of bothers me, not because I need the praise, but because people tend to respond to me as if I'm the same person. That, to me, is very condescending and demeaning. The current me does not need to hear the same words that the old me needed to hear, and, when people say them to me, it makes me feel like people aren't bothering to notice. And, it's one thing to not notice... Hey, that's fine, I mean, I guess this is what separates the friends from the acquaintances.

30 Days of Truth (Day 11)

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you a lot on.

I remember, on a few occasions, my son has told me that I'm his hero. He said to me, "mom, you've been through so much shit, yet you stand strong. Nothing has beaten you."

I'm not sure if he knows I cry every time I hear that. I wonder if he knows there have been times when I feel like I've been beaten? Sure as shit, though, that kid is right. I find my way out, I shake off the shit, and I stand back up, strong and proud.

This was one compliment from my son, and it isn't what people compliment me most about, but it leads up to it.

See, I share my struggles with others. I write about them, and I share my writings with other people in the hopes that maybe someone else can identify with me, with my past, with my troubles. Maybe they will see that their own situation can be gotten through because, while my situation may not have been identical, I still went through some pretty hard-core shit, and I came through and ended up being better off. It is my joy in life to do that, to share in the hopes of helping.

This leads up to my most frequently given compliment.

"Christina, you inspire me."

That, my friends, means more to me than anything.

30 Days of Truth (Day 10)

Day 10: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know.

Well, hopefully, these posts will deviate from the negativity here soon... In keeping with the spirit of total honesty, I will tell you this:

I have let go of all the people who need let go.

I really wish I didn't know and had never met my ex husband, but, without him, I wouldn't have my wonderful son, I wouldn't know or be close with his awesome mother, I wouldn't know his wonderful wife and daughters, and I may have developed into an adult I didn't like very much. I guess I should thank him, but I won't. He can suck it. Because, as much as I love all these people, I really and genuinely do not like him.

30 Days of Truth (Day 9)

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

I can't think of anyone who has majorly mattered to me that has drifted away from me. I tend to keep those I love close to me. Sure, sometimes people get caught up in their own lives/worlds/drama etc... but that doesn't mean we're not close. It doesn't mean they're gone. People I genuinely love always find their way back to me or I to them.

30 Days of Truth (Day 8)

Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or has treated you like shit.

Really? Do we need to focus on such negativity? I mean, I do have a list about a mile long of people I could name here.

Since I started this project, I've dished out a bunch of bad memories. You know, that kind of puts the vibe out there that I'm still dwelling on it all, and I'm really not. I've made amazing progress over the past 6 years or so, and I'm very proud of myself.

Have there been people who made my life hell or treated me like shit? Yes, there have been. The thing is? I don't want to conjure up more negative memories. What I can tell you is this: There are not currently any people in my life making it hell or treating me like shit. Isn't that what counts?

Before, I used to tolerate so much shit from people it wasn't funny. Now? I see it early on, and I bail. No one gets to make me feel less than EVER again, and isn't that what people who would treat you that way are all about? Making you feel less than they are? People only put you down to bring themselves up. That means they aren't so much to begin with.

So why would I give a person like that attention in this blog? Nooo... I already wish I hadn't given so many others attention they don't deserve in this project. BUT... I wanted to answer the questions openly and honestly. Ah well... I guess I'll do what I have to do, just like I always do. :-)

30 Days of Truth (Day 6)

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Quite honestly, I hope I never again have to decide the fate of another.

I remember when my sister died. She went into the hospital with a kidney infection. When they took her into surgery, she was alert, awake, and breathing on her own. When she came out, she was on a respirator and had a septic infection, you know, the horrid kind you get at the hospital. She was on the respirator for too long, and her lungs ruptured. The Dr. told us that, from that point on, it would be a series of emergencies that ultimately culminated in my sister's death. She wasn't coming back, and we had to decide what to do about the machinery that was sustaining her life. This is when my mom looked at me and said, "you decide."

It took me 5 minutes, but those were, by far, the most challenging 5 minutes ever. You have to decide if another person continues to exist? How does that happen? And how fucked up to put that off on another person??

Would the person in question WANT to be lying in a bed for the rest of eternity tethered to machines? I know I wouldn't want to, but what gives me the right to speak for another? Are they truly not coming back? Is all hope exhausted? Truly exhausted?

So... I decided to end it. I was satisfied by the physician's findings, and I realized she wasn't coming back. I asked the only question I could... Could we donate anything? Yes, folks, if you aren't ON RECORD as being staunchly opposed to organ donation, another person CAN decide that for you. Make sure you make the decent choice because, if I have anything to do with it, I will give anything useable to another person.

Still? It's a decision I hope to never have to make again. People shouldn't be forced by the cosmos to linger. They should either be, or they should not be. This, of course, should be painless and after all figurative accounts have been settled to the person's liking.

30 Days of Truth (Day 5)

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your future...

I hope to arrive home safely from St. Louis today.

I hope to get back on track regarding my diet.

I hope to fully explore my feelings regarding certain people and situations.

I hope to be enough.

I hope to discover continually.

I hope to live my life in wonder. Always.

I hope to continue living happily ever after.

I hope to experience the kind of romantic joy I've always dreamed of.

I hope to get on track spiritually.

I hope to continue being a seeker of knowledge/wisdom.

I hope to educate others.

I hope to make a difference in my world.

I hope to feel a warm human touch very soon.

I hope ...

Hope is an interesting concept. In life, one must learn to properly hope. It's never ridiculous or a waste of energy to expend your hope. What is ridiculous or a waste of energy is to put all of your expectations into your hope, to not be okay if your hopes do not pan out.

I have a situation in my life that I need to address. I hope it goes the way I want it to, but there's a HUGE chance that it won't. While I hope for the best, while I know it will sting harshly if it doesn't, I know I will be okay if it doesn't. I will still be me, I will still have contentment, happiness, and joy in my life, the earth will still turn, the stars will shine, and because I risked it... because I was brave and went for it, my hope was not in vain.

30 Days of Truth (Day 3)

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

And again, here's another topic I feel I've already taken care of, so to speak. Well, maybe not entirely. I guess I hold on to enough self-resentment to make sure the infraction I'm about to discuss NEVER happens again, but, then again, life offers no guarantees, I suppose. I know I'll try harder, and that counts for a lot. Piss on anyone who says any differently.

Honestly? I've done some pretty messed up things that ultimately ended up damaging me pretty badly, but I'd have to say the number one worst thing... the one for which I had the hardest time forgiving myself is lying to myself.

The worst part is, when you pick apart the situation, I don't even know why I did it. All I can really come up with is ego and the intense desire to not be wrong. I guess I genuinely believed it was in the name of love, but I'm not even sure if it was. That is, however, coming from the perspective several years of "getting over it" has given me.

See... I was in this... "situation". It makes me cringe to refer to it as a "relationship" because it didn't really fit my ideal description of what a relationship should be. But... we'll stick with what it was for the time... I was in this relationship, or, as Dane Cook would refer to it, a "relationshit". BLAH... it's hard to break down and talk about it. It's like going through boxes that have been neatly put away in the attic. Ya know?

Literally and figuratively speaking, I gave up a lot for the sake of this relationshit. I gave up a lot of myself, who I was, I diminished the way others saw me, and I caused a lot of estrangement between myself and folks who genuinely loved me.

I let myself believe that genuine love was equated with the intense drama this person brought into my life. That's how it is on the soaps, right? Everything is so super complicated and there's all these convoluted story lines and people make mistakes and blah blah blah blah. The long and the short of it is that I wasted my 30s on an emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, lying, cheating, manipulative, sociopathic idiot. In order to be okay with being so hurt, used, taken advantage of, and abused, I rationalized it... he's just a victim of abuse himself, he doesn't know any other way, he really loves me... he's just not able to show it, yadda yadda yadda... What it all boils down to is this... None of this was on me, OTHER than the fact that I lied to myself.

It was his job to fix himself, to overcome his past and make the choice to either let his circumstances rule him and live in misery or to rise above and choose a happy life for himself, his children, and his significant other. He chose to wallow in misery and lash out at anyone who tried to give him genuine love. My fault is in refusing to see it for what it was, and when the truth was right in my face, I wanted to pretend it was something it wasn't.

"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck..."

Yeah, I wanted to pretend it was a swan in a duck suit.

I guess, if I acknowledged reality, it would have meant, in my warped mind, that there was something wrong with me that I attracted this to myself. I know better now. I went in knowing full well what would probably happen, yet I went forth with an open mind. Being kind, genuine, and open is not a crime. It isn't my fault. I just have to be more willing to accept the truth when it's handed to me.

Generally speaking, I forgive myself for allowing all this to happen, and I did learn a lot from it, so I guess it was necessary in the grand scheme of things. I do hold a small amount of resentment about it, though, just to remind myself that these things do happen, and that I shouldn't allow such drama into my life.

30 Days of Truth (Day 2)

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Since I'll be working/traveling all day tomorrow, I'm going to get ahead a bit.

Hmmmm... So, we're going to go from hate to love? Well... here goes.

I love that I'm kind, decent, and loyal. Typically, I'd rather show you these things than tell them to you because anyone can give lip service like this. But, really... who actually backs it up? Anyhow... If you need something, and I'm able to give it, you can count on it. I will always try to be fair, non-judgmental, and will try my hardest to see your point of view, even if I don't agree. As far as loyalty goes, I feel this is the thing I love most about myself. If you're my friend, you're my friend, bottom line. If someone hurts you, they hurt me. I have your back, no matter what. I'm not one of those people who refuse to take sides. Unless the other offending party is also a good friend of mine, ya know? I will never say, "well, such-and-such never did anything to me, so I won't dislike him/her". Nope... if they harm you, they've harmed me.

That's me, and I love my loyalty.

30 Days of Truth (Day 1)

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself:

Well... I've come to a place in life where I've tried, and have mostly succeeded, to put the self-loathing bullshit out of my life. For the most part, I like me, who I am, and who I have become. I've grown more in the past 5 years than I have in the 36 years I'd lived prior. Now, I take the good with the bad and accept it as the totality of who I am. Most days, I'm able to look at myself and call it good. Yes... that's what's become important to me. Not "do YOU like me?", but "Do I like me?" Because, guess what? I will be a harsher critic than you or Jehova will ever dream of being.

Still and all... Sometimes the thoughts creep in. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?

I guess I hate that I will entertain the thoughts when I'm feeling hormonal. I hate that I allow loneliness to overcome me and make me feel less than. I hate that I over-analyze things certain people say. I hate that I struggle with needing to know what tomorrow will hold, that, sometimes, I just can't focus on right now. I hate that I question myself. I made a choice. What if I made the wrong choice? What's going to happen if I chose wrong? What if I fucked up yet again? It's all fucking kinds of complicated in my head, but it boils down to ... what if I'm wrong? I mean, I guess I'll deal with it, pick up, and move on with my day, but, yeah, it's going to suck. Can I deal with another moment of suckiness after all the suckiness I've encountered thusfar? Now? Just when I'm actually happy with me, who I am, and with my life?

See? I question myself. I just want to have faith in my ability to do what's right for me. I chose, now can't I just enjoy the moment?

I hate that I do this to myself.

30 Days of Truth

This will be a daily blog commencing tomorrow, 9/1/11. Anyone want to join in? I'd love to read what you have to say!!

Get to know me, the real me, and not what you think you know, want to see, or anything like that.

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

The Constant Stranger...

Sometimes, we cling on to things we don't need anymore because of the comfort associated with them... The danger in this is that we can become dependent on those things, as they begin to feed and sustain us. Next thing you know, we begin to identify ourselves by the baggage we're carrying around. And... why? I mean, the word baggage, unless you're referring to suitcases when used for travel, usually always has a negative connotation, and why do we want to associate ourselves with negative things? Particularly when the negative doesn't usually generate a positive outcome. How many of us have TRULY taken a negative and made it into something good? I feel I have now, for sure, but it hasn't always been that way. I know, before, I've always held it close to me, let it rule me, let it give me an excuse to be distant, cold, bitchy, and fearful. WHY???

I know, with me, I carried around the notion that if I didn't have "it" (my baggage), then I had nothing. I'm not sure why I felt that way, I kind of just did... I guess, since I didn't have anything current in the works, I guess my baggage proved that I had, at one time, been part of something... That makes no sense, but, hey, who says human emotion has to make a shit ton of sense? It very rarely has, it very rarely will, and who are we to tell it that it "should"?

Anyhow, it reminds me of a piece of sheer brilliance I read this evening in Corey Taylor's book, "Seven Deadly Sins." It goes a little something like this... "It is the fear of being the constant stranger: never being recognized, reconciled, or rewarded..."


Seriously... How awesome is that? Seriously... How TRUE is that? When you are a stranger, no one knows you... (duh, right?) When no one knows you, how will you ever be recognized for the awesome that you are, how will you ever be reconciled or rewarded with the end-all be-all of human accomplishment? For me, the statement is all about people who are searching for something. Something they don't know how to find within. Trust me, people... as a reformed validation seeker, I can assure you it's all right there... people loving you isn't going to give you what you need. YOU loving you will be more than you ever need, though.

I guess I decided my bags were too cumbersome. It was getting tiresome to explain why this or that bothered me, why I guarded myself in some ways but not others... it was just getting... OLD. and why was any of it even there? Did I even remember anymore? Well, yeah, but still... None of it is important anymore, none of it is doing me any good in the least... So I worked a little magick for myself today. I've buried things that are best left behind. I walked away without looking back, and now, I'm of the mind of, and, yes, I'm going to quote pure Corey Taylor genius again...

"let's throw away our old bags and buy new shit at the airport..."

Defining Moments (Part 2)

As I recall, the times I've felt happiest in my life were when I've pleased myself. I remember the day I realized I was filled with complete joy and happiness. I was sitting on the sidewalk patio of the local coffee shop with friends. We were talking and laughing. That day, I'd had a kick ass workout, and I was feeling good about myself. In the midst of laughter, I realized I was with people who genuinely love me, people who I genuinely love. What more did I need?

That's when I understood. I remember telling my friend, Joanna, the other night, "I remember the moment I understood." This is that moment. Love is love, and being happy is being happy. I felt whole and complete on my own. That was the end of my journey. That was the beginning of my journey.

Nastiness

There has been so much nastiness in the world here lately. It's a shame, really. Honestly? I don't really know how to deal with it all, so I don't. I do, however, have a few friends that have been deeply affected by the local events of this past weekend. I'm at a complete loss as to how to reach out to them. See... it really isn't my way to dwell on the nastiness that the world throws at us in the form of horrible people who do unspeakable things. It is my way to remind the people I care about that there is goodness/kindness in the world. I will show you that in the form of a kind word, encouragement, a smile, or even a joke when I think you need it. This doesn't mean I'm not thinking of the bad things... what it means is that I'm, in my own way, trying to contribute something good.

Defining Moments (Part 1)

Last night, I was checking out the page of a new Facebook friend. We all do it, right? The stuff we put on our pages is there for the consumption of the folks on our friends list, right? haha. Anyhow, I was perusing the notes section, and I read this note. It seemed this one instance in this person's life had defined, mostly, who and what he is today. Not that this matters... Seems the situation hasn't created anything bad, but it just got me thinking... Do I have one defining event in my life that has molded and shaped who/what I am today? Honestly, I'm not sure.

It seems to me that I'm made up of bits and pieces... bits and pieces from random, myriad situations. I give because I was denied, and I remember how it feels. I am kind because I know how unkindness feels. I am generous because I've experienced selfishness. I defend myself because I remember the feeling of helplessness all too well. This list could go on and on, but none of that is what's important here.

I guess what struck me is, once again, the vast differences between human beings, and this is something that fascinates me to no end. Why do people think as they do? Why does one prefer red and the other, blue? Why is one good, but the other is bad? Of course, I could be thinking way too much about one thing someone posted on Facebook, but, to me, what's important is that it made me think about who I am and why I am that person. It's a good start, for me, because, here lately, I've been so unsure of so many things. That's a departure for me. One I've decided I can no longer live with.

Let's start with the basics.

I'm 41 years old. I'm single/divorced. I word it this way because my marriage was so very long ago that I feel like "divorced" no longer defines my current state of affairs. I married a month out of high school because A.) I was pregnant and B.) I wanted to leave home. My marriage wasn't ever great. There never really was the potential for "happily ever after". It was, in fact, a quick fix for what ailed me, and what ailed me was a loathing and contempt for living in my mother's home in Akron,OH. Soon, however, what ailed me more was living with a physically abusive man.

Go ahead, go on about how awful that must have been. Guess what? It wasn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It was pretty easy to get out of it, actually. Why? Because physical abuse is easy. You can see it for what it is. It's not like emotional or mental abuse, you know, the kind that causes you to question, "is this really happening, or am I imagining things?" or "really? Maybe I am a complete and total fuck up." Physical abuse? There's no denying what it is... When someone slams you in the face with their fist, it's plain as day, sweetheart. Get the fuck out. So I did. The only thing it cost me was my pride in having to return to a place I hated. Oh well... Like I said, worse things have happened to me. In fact, I don't even count my marriage as my most significant relationship.

I'm not, in fact, entirely sure any of them have been the most significant. They're all bits and pieces of the patchwork quilt that is me and who I am. It's colorful, and the patches are all intricately sewn together. The colors don't particularly match, but it's mismatching in a way that creates a stunning conglomeration of beauty and reality. Welcome to my world.

Alone

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you FEEL all alone." ~Robin Williams' character in World's Greatest Dad

Right there is a quote I found on Facebook and posted as my status not even 2 minutes ago. It's quite inspirational, really because, how true is it? How many of us have wound up in the clutches of someone who is supposed to be our mate, our partner, the one who is supposed to help make the loneliness go away? I know I have. More times than not. In fact, I've never been with someone who doesn't leave me feeling more alone than when I have no one. That is a reality I've just now realized and one I'm, quite honestly, ashamed of. Yes, Christina, time to start making better choices.

I remember, so vividly, sitting in a room with someone who didn't want to converse with me, didn't want to spend time with me, didn't want to laugh with me, didn't want to share anything resembling the things most happy couples want to share and do together. Really? What the fuck? Why did I need that in my life? Someone to fill a spot just to be able to say, "I have someone, I'm not a pathetic single person.. I'm not alone..." Hey, guess what? yes the fuck I WAS. Being with someone who repeatedly disappoints, belittles, demeans, and degrades you with his or her "nothing" attitude creates a void bigger and more desolate than the loneliness that only happens occasionally when there's no one who should be with you, talking, laughing, sharing, and spending time.

So, I ask, what is the point in putting up with bullshit, nonsense, drama, and nothingness just so you aren't alone when, for all intents and purposes, you ARE? I guess that, if I knew the answer to this question, it never would have happened to me. I'd like to say that I know for a fact that it won't ever happen again, but I can't. I do know, however, that I will try my hardest to make sure it doesn't, and I KNOW that when it starts to feel that way, there's a problem, and, if that problem doesn't get fixed, I'm gone... Life is too short to waste it with someone who gives no regard to someone who is supposed to matter. The difference is that I love me now. I haven't always, and I deeply regret that. The only thing I can do about that is move on and make a better now for myself. A better now will lead to a better tomorrow.

SSDD

Why is it that I only ever seem motivated to write when I'm feeling down? What good is it to engage when I have nothing good to say? My lemons, they spoiled, so there will be no making lemonade not this week, anyhow... Just sayin', ya know?

There seems to be a plethora of shit being slung around. Here lately, I'm glad to be just out of the reach of the shit being slung. My empathy lies not where others think it ought to. Is it "mean" of me to feel this way? And why don't I care if that answer is "yes, Christina, yes, it is mean of you to feel that way."? Why doesn't that matter to me? Deep within, I know. I think this means I have arrived. I have disembarked the train at the station named, "I don't give a fuck what you think about me, and what I think and feel". Really? Keep me out of it.

I just want the joy back. Honestly? I think I'm going hormonal. Peri-menopausal. I should probably get that looked into. I never used to mood swing this way. If I was down, there was a reason, sadly enough. It's sad, to me, that I've found a place of joy only to have my middle-aged hormones take over and pull me back to the dark side. Maybe I should just say, "fuck it" and get medicated. Sure, I'll gain 3000 pounds and no one will ever look twice at me, but, damn it, I'll be happy. I know... I know... it's MY job to make me happy. Thing is? I'm doing all the things I should be doing, and it just isn't working lately.

Well... I'll be back. I know I will. I'll figure this out. It's just not my way not to. Ya know? My leg doesn't say, "remember, I win" for no reason.

Whoa

My friend just called me. She's with her uncle, who is in the hospital. He's "enjoying" his last moments of lucidity before the cancer that has invaded his body takes over, has its way, and takes him away from all of his loved ones. He knows what's going on. How scary is that? Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of ... claustrophobia. I don't even want to imagine how badly it must suck to know you're on your way out. How awful is it to lay there knowing that, at any minute, you will no longer "be"?

I hope it comes quickly for me... you know, after I've fully lived my 114 years of life, enjoyed my "happily ever after" and am in need or want of nothing more.

20 Years Later

Yesterday, I took my son to meet his younger sisters. They're the daughters of my ex husband and his wife. It was me, the boy, his fiance, my ex mother-in-law, my ex's new wife, and their two girls. We met up at an ice cream stand that has this little lake and park-like atmosphere out behind it.

I immediately liked Candi, the new wife. She's a uniter, not a divider, and that is wonderful for someone like me. She embraced my son in the most loving way. I immediately got teary eyed. Then she came over and gave me the biggest hug. She wasn't about excluding me or trying to take over my boy, which, I think every mother would fear in a similar situation. My ex didn't come to the ice cream adventure. He wanted to, but my son said no. He wasn't ready to meet him yet. He was within his rights to feel that way because, well, honestly, his father has neglected him for the past 21 years.

The girls, 9 and 7, immediately took to their "big brother". He had them down by the lake, where he taught them to skip rocks, and, again, I got teary eyed over the first exchanged "high five". The girls then insisted that we come to their picnic for the 4th of July. The boy agreed. He knew, in that moment, that he had also agreed to meet the man who had co-created him.

When Grandma had to get going, my son said he wasn't done playing with his sisters, which amused me to no end, given he's 22 years old. It was then suggested that we go over to Grandma's house, where everyone was staying. Guess that meeting was coming sooner than we thought.

There was no great fanfare, just a simple, "hey, stranger" from me, and a handshake between the sperm donor and his son. Candi and I "get it" that this is a big occasion, and I think we automatically had that family bond thing going on. The men, it will take time. Maybe he'll graduate from "sperm donor" to "father" or "dad". Maybe he won't. Time will tell. I hope the best for him and the boy because he is missing out on one awesome kid. His girls, though, are sweet, and, for sure and for certain, they love their big brother.

Codi (left) and Jessi (right) with the bears their big brother, Tony (center) gave them.

Lucky

Days like today remind me of how very lucky I am.

I don't have to answer to anyone or do anything I don't absolutely want to do, with the exception of my job, and I'm lucky to have one that I do enjoy.

I'm so enjoying the new neighborhood. Tonight, I went down to Angel Falls (a coffee shop) with Heidi. We sat on the sidewalk patio and shot the shit with the guys at the next table. There was no agenda going on, just a bunch of people enjoying an awesome evening. I love nights like this. It was warm, yet pleasant to be outside. There was a nice breeze. There were friends, conversation, and laughter.

Times like this, I wonder what in the hell I need a man for? I'm so happy now. Why complicate my life with a relationship that will probably end up going to shit anyhow? I think my bout of being lonely has passed, which is good. I was starting to feel like a whiny little bitch. I mean, yeah, it comes around sometimes, that feeling, but it always goes away.

I'm blessed beyond measure with all of the genuine love and friendship that I have in my life. Truly, I wouldn't lift a finger to take another thing.

A Place of Love

This past fall, when I learned I had to move, I didn't know where I would go or where I wanted to be. I seriously considered packing up and moving to St. Louis, but it didn't happen. I like to say it's because of my job and my unwillingness to believe that I would find one as good out there. Honestly? I think my life here in Akron simply isn't over yet.

I had been having dreams of being somewhere, I'd always assumed it was St. Louis, I was in this place, I was standing on a balcony, I could hear music playing, I felt someone come up behind me and put his arms around me. Gently, we swayed to the music. He kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, "this is a place of love for you." Never mind who it was, because I'm pretty sure that isn't the important part.

I remember when I first saw this apartment. I didn't look around as well as I wanted to because the guy who was still living here was home at the time, and I didn't really feel comfortable nosing around with his things here. I said I'd take the place because it was an improvement from where I was currently living, it was in a secured building, and it was in a neighborhood I'd always wanted to live in. There you have it. I signed on the non-dotted line, and it was a done deal.

The day I got the keys, I came here immediately afterwards. I came in to do a Pagan cleansing ritual before bringing any of my belongings here. I basically wanted to rid the place of any negative energies and prepare the place for myself. While I was here, I decided to step out on the balcony, and, when I did, I immediately knew I was moving to the right place. I knew this was home. I knew this was my place of love. The view was the same as the dream. All that was missing was the music and the arms.

Most people don't believe in reincarnation, but I do. Standing in that empty apartment, I knew, as well, that I'd been here before. It was a moment of total clarity. I could tell you what I had and where it all had been, and none of it was anything I currently owned. One of my prior incarnations had lived here before. For a while, that confused me. Was this her place of love, was it to be mine, was it ours, or was that former life calling me back here to give me some kind of healing that I was desperately needing?

and here comes the part where I want to rapidly wrap up the ending because I'm tired of writing now, I have a migraine, and I have things to do today. Because of endings I'd rushed in the past, however, I know that I simply can't do that this time, so I'll leave you with this:

To be continued.

My Weekly Rant

Why the fuck do people think it's okay to be so condescending and patronizing to their friends under the guise of "meaning well"? Sure, every word can't be well thought out, absolutely appropriate, or... just... perfect, but DAMN... Give a little more thought to the shit you say to your FRIENDS when they're feeling down.

This all stems from my feeling lonely this week. I voiced something about this on FB yesterday, and I got one of the patronizing remarks that we single folk tend to get when we have the audacity to voice our loneliness, "oh, it'll happen when you least expect it." Really? who the fuck says I'm "expecting" anything? Who the fuck says I'm not out there thoroughly enjoying my single life, making the most of it, working on myself, and being the best me I can possibly be with NO EXPECTATION of it all winning the heart of some unsuspecting schmuck? Who says I'm not doing it, ALL OF IT because it makes ME happy, proud of myself, and it makes me feel good inside?

Guess what? Right now, in myriad ways, I'm happier than I've EVER been, and there is no man at my side. I'm having a hormonal week, I feel a little bit lonely, and I shared it with my friends. fucking crucify me for it, why don't ya? Why not paint me as some clingy, whiny, desperate asshole who can't function without a man in her life? Because, when you patronize me the way you did, that's how I think you see me. In all honesty, I shouldn't care, but I think a bit of me used to be that girl and, guess what? I'm fucking NOT anymore. I'm proud of who I've become, and the fact that you said such a thing to me clearly indicates that you've paid no attention to the changes I've made in my life. That's the part that hurts. No credit for progress. Well, guess what? I don't NEED your validation because I know what I know, and I'm happy with me. Still, that doesn't mean I need patronizing remarks that are meant to "bring hope" when my hope will ALWAYS be in tact.

Bite me.

I know I'm being tested by the universe. Now, when I'm feeling low, I get to see a couple of asshole women with seemingly awesome guys. Probably they're all jackasses, and I have no way of knowing that things are so perfect for them. It just bothers me when ... well... assholes are happy because, at least in the case presented above, being happy doesn't prevent them from being assholes. Guess what, though? This guy isn't going to fix what is wrong in the pit of your soul. It is YOUR job to fix you, to complete you, and to make you happy. I regret that it took me so long to learn that.

Random Thoughts

Since Cristy posted hers, it inspired me to share mine.

No carbs isn't working as well for me as it did before. I'm going to change up the diet some over the course of the weekend. I'm thinking of going with a whole foods approach. We'll see how it looks when I visit Earth Fare probably on Sunday.

People who bully others piss me off. You don't dump on someone about anything other than what they actually did to YOU. You don't berate, piss, and moan about everything that person supposedly did to everyone else on the planet. Shit... stick with what directly affects you.

I wish I could get away with going to work dressed like a hooker like this one broad at work does. Well, no, I don't wish I could. I wouldn't inflict my flab and rolls on my co-workers, most of whom, I like.

I'm so excited about my new yoga adventures.

I've finally learned. I hope the universe doesn't put me through this same lesson again. Genuinely, I get it now. I'm done. I'm leaving it alone now. Hot stoves ALWAYS burn.

I like slowly sipping this strawberry flavored fizzy water I bought at Walmart this evening. It kind of reminds me of wine or something. I love that it's 0 calories, 0 carbs, etc. Don't worry, I don't fool myself into thinking I'm drinking water. I still have my 96oz of water daily.

I really like Jessica. I'm glad we've become friends. I've wanted to make peace for a long time, but friends? That's so much more than I hoped for and it's awesome.

I got two dresses at Burlington last night. They're cute. Now let's see if I'm brave enough to actually wear the one out somewhere. The other one's for my cousin's wedding.

I think I'm done rambling now. I need to go and start getting over it. Now I know, for sure and for certain, it will happen this time. I don't need to wonder anymore. I know I tried, I know it isn't my fault. I know.

Epic Fail

My plan was to get my ass up out of bed and start my new exercise routine today. I had planned to start it with my Pilates dvd. Here I remain, on my bed, with my laptop, knowing full well what I should be doing and doing none of it. I can't even lie and say something hurts as an excuse because I feel fine.

What in the hell is my problem? I know the drill. I know what to do and how to do it. I just can't make myself move.

Well, I have another chance tonight, after work. I could go to the gym and spend some time on the elliptical machine. Will I? Who knows? I just know that I'm pissing me off, but not enough to get off this bed right this second.

I think I'm broken. Anyone have any super glue?

Skin Deep?

I always try to be a realist, you know, to see things as they truly are rather than seeing what I want something to be or what I wish it was rather than what it really is. Problem is? This makes me feel like I'm becoming jaded and negative about the world around me, and it's kind of a shame.

I'm reading a book, Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray". Upon meeting Mr. Gray, one of the characters admonishes Dorian to savor his youth and exquisite beauty while he can. Basically, he tells this chap to get by on his looks because no one will pay him any mind once he's old and has lost his looks. He tells him things tantamount to, "things are easier and people are kinder when you're young and beautiful." Another way to look at it is, "get it while the gettin' is good."

At first, I found this to be kind of shallow and offensive. The more I thought of it, however, the more I found the character's sentiments and, ultimately, Oscar Wilde's, to be, well, as much as I hate to say it, they're true. I don't think this makes any of us (the character, Oscar, or myself) particularly shallow either. It's just a matter of keeping it real and being honest about the world around us. I guess my issue was with an actual literary piece putting such a concept out there like that. Isn't it bad to be shallow and narcissistic? Isn't literature supposed to be idealistic? Isn't it supposed to teach us how we should be? What we should strive to obtain? What the hell, Oscar? What gives? Just know that, right now, I dig the hell out of you. Thank you for showing the world the ugly side of things. Because, yes, you are right. Things are easier when you're pretty.

We all have varying ideas of what beauty is, and those ideals are not what I'm speaking of. There are people out there who are, empirically, beautiful people, and their paths are a lot less challenging than that of us common folk. You know, those of us with noses just a hair too long, who are prematurely graying or balding, those of us with a few extra pounds... You know the drill. We have to work harder to get what we want, and is that really fair or right? No. It isn't. Still... that's the way it is. We have to cultivate our skills of persuasion and charm in order to make our way or to make people look beyond the surface of what our exterior conveys. We have to have the talent to make someone see, "sure, I'm a chubby girl, but I'm smart, funny, kind, and giving, so it's worth your while to know me."

Is that a shame, or do we have an advantage? Sometimes, I get tired of working harder than the "beautiful people". I'm glad to know that, even if everyone else rips this blog to shreds with their idealism, at least I know Oscar Wilde gets it.

Today

Today, I hate myself for what I have allowed myself to become. Please spare me the, "oh, you're beautiful," for they would be wasted words I simply would not hear or believe. To me, I am about as far from beautiful as Akron is from China.

A friend told me the other day about self-loathing. We got off on another tangent of conversation, but I wanted to go back and tell her that I knew what she meant. Then again, maybe I was right not to. It's hard to know what's right and what isn't. Anyhow, I hate me again, and it's time to do something about it. I did it before, and I know I can do it again.

I wonder how much better I can get in the 314 days remaining until I very well could... well... let's save that fear for another time. 317 days until my next birthday. I wonder what I can do before then.

Some kind of something

I've been wanting to sit down and just write for so long. It seems, however, that I have this huge block inside of my head that won't allow my thoughts to just flow. I can't seem to identify the source of the block, and, when I sit down to try, I just get frustrated and stop. This has caused me to not even bother trying. Is that good? No. Is that acceptable to me? Not anymore. Problem is that I've not dealt with a lot of issues in my life in what I deem to be an adequate fashion. I've swept a lot of things under the rug because I hate conflict and drama. Too often, I let things get to the point of no return, and then I simply just walk away.

Today, I'm compelled to talk about things people have done. I think, by far, this year, the most hurtful word used to describe me is selfish. What? Really? selfish? That one word said by that one person has done more damage and stands out far more than the other dozens of people in my life who knows that I am FAR from selfish. I stopped to think, though, have I acted selfishly toward this person? I guess maybe certain behaviors, while not intended to be selfish, could be construed that way. See... that's what I do, I look within and try to see if there's a point to what someone is telling me because I don't think anyone would say shit like that to me for no reason. So... I've come to the conclusion that, sure, I may have acted selfishly. Now comes the time for me to ask myself why. Why have I acted that way toward someone I considered a good friend?

See... With me, you get what you give. I'm sure one would agree that I never begin my relationships, any of them, in a selfish fashion, and if I suddenly become that way, then there's a reason for it. If I'm acting like a bitch, it's because I've been treated bitchily (is that even a word? haha). If I'm acting like I don't care, it's because that's the treatment I've received. If I'm treating you selfishly, it's because you've treated me selfishly.

This realization has caused me to take pause and think. Why do I let these relationships get so far that I'm perpetuating negative behavior? I question myself too much. I try to understand my friends, at first. "Wow... did she/he really just treat me selfishly, or am I just imagining it. Maybe that's not really what it is..." or I give them the benefit of the doubt, "well, they're not usually like this, so I'll let it slide." or "they're just going to deny it because they think they can do no wrong, so why bother saying anything, and there are more important things about this person that makes him/her a good friend, so I'll just disregard it..." and the shit builds up and builds up and builds up, and I begin reacting.

Point is... if you're experiencing a negative behavior from ME, it's because I've received it from YOU. I know this to be true for two reasons: First: I'm able to look honestly at myself and see me for who I am. Just because you aren't doesn't take away from the validity of my point. Second: There are MORE than a lot of people who don't see me that way at all, so why just you?

Why do I let it get that far? Because I try to accept my friends for who they are. I try my hardest to not judge them. Because I know that one character flaw or even two or three does not make him/her a horrible person. Even seeing those things as I do, I have NEVER withheld my friendship from anyone. My flaw? I should talk to people more. "you've just been an asshole to me, and I don't appreciate it. I'm doing this so that, in the long run, I don't start treating you like you're treating me." But, then again... Very few people will actually man-up or... woman-up and admit they've been a jerk. I guess this is what puts me ahead of the game. I will look within, I will see and acknowledge how I've just caused someone to feel bad.

I'm done with this rant, and I'm done with feeling this way. Time to get on with the day. This has been on my mind for about 3-4 months now. I'm glad I've dumped it out. Today, it feels better, and that's what matters.

Change

I posed the question on Facebook, "why am I afraid to change?" and everyone took off with the assumption that I'm afraid OF change, which, to me, is different. If you're the type of person who can't see that there's a difference here, then you should probably stop reading my blog now. It may seem a game of semantics, but it's really not when you take the time to get to know me and the issues I face on a constant basis.

I know change is necessary. I know it happens with or without my approval/permission. I know it is the one constant. I know all of that.

I have come to the realization that I NEED some changes in my life. I know that it won't be easy. I know that I have to just do it. Yet, I haven't. I'm afraid to, and I am wondering why? I already know about the comfort of sticking with what's familiar and all that other horse shit. Someone tell me something substantial, or just... have my back and say, "yeah, I can relate." I'm frustrated, but I suppose that's what I get for posting my innermost feelings on a social networking website. This blog, to me, is different because of the limited exposure. If you can or will read this, I at least give somewhat of a shit what you think.

I know me... I'll take the leap. I will end up where I need to be. I'm not stagnating. I'm not. I won't. I can't. It's not my way. I'm a tough broad. I've got this.