Alone

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you FEEL all alone." ~Robin Williams' character in World's Greatest Dad

Right there is a quote I found on Facebook and posted as my status not even 2 minutes ago. It's quite inspirational, really because, how true is it? How many of us have wound up in the clutches of someone who is supposed to be our mate, our partner, the one who is supposed to help make the loneliness go away? I know I have. More times than not. In fact, I've never been with someone who doesn't leave me feeling more alone than when I have no one. That is a reality I've just now realized and one I'm, quite honestly, ashamed of. Yes, Christina, time to start making better choices.

I remember, so vividly, sitting in a room with someone who didn't want to converse with me, didn't want to spend time with me, didn't want to laugh with me, didn't want to share anything resembling the things most happy couples want to share and do together. Really? What the fuck? Why did I need that in my life? Someone to fill a spot just to be able to say, "I have someone, I'm not a pathetic single person.. I'm not alone..." Hey, guess what? yes the fuck I WAS. Being with someone who repeatedly disappoints, belittles, demeans, and degrades you with his or her "nothing" attitude creates a void bigger and more desolate than the loneliness that only happens occasionally when there's no one who should be with you, talking, laughing, sharing, and spending time.

So, I ask, what is the point in putting up with bullshit, nonsense, drama, and nothingness just so you aren't alone when, for all intents and purposes, you ARE? I guess that, if I knew the answer to this question, it never would have happened to me. I'd like to say that I know for a fact that it won't ever happen again, but I can't. I do know, however, that I will try my hardest to make sure it doesn't, and I KNOW that when it starts to feel that way, there's a problem, and, if that problem doesn't get fixed, I'm gone... Life is too short to waste it with someone who gives no regard to someone who is supposed to matter. The difference is that I love me now. I haven't always, and I deeply regret that. The only thing I can do about that is move on and make a better now for myself. A better now will lead to a better tomorrow.

SSDD

Why is it that I only ever seem motivated to write when I'm feeling down? What good is it to engage when I have nothing good to say? My lemons, they spoiled, so there will be no making lemonade not this week, anyhow... Just sayin', ya know?

There seems to be a plethora of shit being slung around. Here lately, I'm glad to be just out of the reach of the shit being slung. My empathy lies not where others think it ought to. Is it "mean" of me to feel this way? And why don't I care if that answer is "yes, Christina, yes, it is mean of you to feel that way."? Why doesn't that matter to me? Deep within, I know. I think this means I have arrived. I have disembarked the train at the station named, "I don't give a fuck what you think about me, and what I think and feel". Really? Keep me out of it.

I just want the joy back. Honestly? I think I'm going hormonal. Peri-menopausal. I should probably get that looked into. I never used to mood swing this way. If I was down, there was a reason, sadly enough. It's sad, to me, that I've found a place of joy only to have my middle-aged hormones take over and pull me back to the dark side. Maybe I should just say, "fuck it" and get medicated. Sure, I'll gain 3000 pounds and no one will ever look twice at me, but, damn it, I'll be happy. I know... I know... it's MY job to make me happy. Thing is? I'm doing all the things I should be doing, and it just isn't working lately.

Well... I'll be back. I know I will. I'll figure this out. It's just not my way not to. Ya know? My leg doesn't say, "remember, I win" for no reason.

Whoa

My friend just called me. She's with her uncle, who is in the hospital. He's "enjoying" his last moments of lucidity before the cancer that has invaded his body takes over, has its way, and takes him away from all of his loved ones. He knows what's going on. How scary is that? Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of ... claustrophobia. I don't even want to imagine how badly it must suck to know you're on your way out. How awful is it to lay there knowing that, at any minute, you will no longer "be"?

I hope it comes quickly for me... you know, after I've fully lived my 114 years of life, enjoyed my "happily ever after" and am in need or want of nothing more.

20 Years Later

Yesterday, I took my son to meet his younger sisters. They're the daughters of my ex husband and his wife. It was me, the boy, his fiance, my ex mother-in-law, my ex's new wife, and their two girls. We met up at an ice cream stand that has this little lake and park-like atmosphere out behind it.

I immediately liked Candi, the new wife. She's a uniter, not a divider, and that is wonderful for someone like me. She embraced my son in the most loving way. I immediately got teary eyed. Then she came over and gave me the biggest hug. She wasn't about excluding me or trying to take over my boy, which, I think every mother would fear in a similar situation. My ex didn't come to the ice cream adventure. He wanted to, but my son said no. He wasn't ready to meet him yet. He was within his rights to feel that way because, well, honestly, his father has neglected him for the past 21 years.

The girls, 9 and 7, immediately took to their "big brother". He had them down by the lake, where he taught them to skip rocks, and, again, I got teary eyed over the first exchanged "high five". The girls then insisted that we come to their picnic for the 4th of July. The boy agreed. He knew, in that moment, that he had also agreed to meet the man who had co-created him.

When Grandma had to get going, my son said he wasn't done playing with his sisters, which amused me to no end, given he's 22 years old. It was then suggested that we go over to Grandma's house, where everyone was staying. Guess that meeting was coming sooner than we thought.

There was no great fanfare, just a simple, "hey, stranger" from me, and a handshake between the sperm donor and his son. Candi and I "get it" that this is a big occasion, and I think we automatically had that family bond thing going on. The men, it will take time. Maybe he'll graduate from "sperm donor" to "father" or "dad". Maybe he won't. Time will tell. I hope the best for him and the boy because he is missing out on one awesome kid. His girls, though, are sweet, and, for sure and for certain, they love their big brother.

Codi (left) and Jessi (right) with the bears their big brother, Tony (center) gave them.

Lucky

Days like today remind me of how very lucky I am.

I don't have to answer to anyone or do anything I don't absolutely want to do, with the exception of my job, and I'm lucky to have one that I do enjoy.

I'm so enjoying the new neighborhood. Tonight, I went down to Angel Falls (a coffee shop) with Heidi. We sat on the sidewalk patio and shot the shit with the guys at the next table. There was no agenda going on, just a bunch of people enjoying an awesome evening. I love nights like this. It was warm, yet pleasant to be outside. There was a nice breeze. There were friends, conversation, and laughter.

Times like this, I wonder what in the hell I need a man for? I'm so happy now. Why complicate my life with a relationship that will probably end up going to shit anyhow? I think my bout of being lonely has passed, which is good. I was starting to feel like a whiny little bitch. I mean, yeah, it comes around sometimes, that feeling, but it always goes away.

I'm blessed beyond measure with all of the genuine love and friendship that I have in my life. Truly, I wouldn't lift a finger to take another thing.