not much again

Day 29

Today was kind of blah.

I wish I could snap out of this.  It's depressing, really.

fe fi fo fum.

Day 27

It seems like I come up with something interesting about every other day.  Today is not that day.  :\  Today, I felt pretty cruddy in the head.  blah.  Ah well...  That's enough of that.  Good night.  Early work day tomorrow.

A Good Reason

Day 27

I think once you've been ON a particular wagon and have fallen off that wagon, it is harder to get back on than it was for you to get on it the first time.

Whether you're going through rehab of some kind, any kind really, or some kind of personal growth experience, it's all the same, essentially.  You make changes and get well because you've slammed face first into a brick wall, or, you know, hit rock bottom as some prefer to say.  There's nowhere to go from there but up.  You realize the need to fix yourself, to change, or to get well... however you want to put it.  And you're told, all along the way, that the "correct" reason to change is for yourself and, that if you do it for any other reason, it's not valid.

A lot of people are prone to relapsing, though, and it's rough when you already know the "answers" so to speak.  It's, likely, even more rough to fix it the second or third time around because you already know the goddamn answers.  The thing is?  Once you know them, it's easier to talk your way around them.

"I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to make myself do those things."

Why?

"I have to do this for me and not because I'm jeopardizing everything I have including my LIFE by engaging in this lifestyle because then I'd be doing it for you or for this or for that or for something else, and it has to be for ME"

Is it because we never genuinely stop hating ourselves?  Is it because we only accepted the words and deeds we were handed by others about how it's "supposed" to be done as truth and never truly, in the pit of our souls, believed it?

"no.. no...  it works to do it that way.  I just went off course."

I call bullshit.  I call bullshit on MYSELF and on everyone else who has said that before.  If it's such a valid method, this teaching of self love and self acceptance that supposedly "helps" people cope, then how come that love we learn rarely lasts?  How come we can't maintain that without others, be it a therapist or some kind of support group, telling us that this is what we need to be doing?   We aren't doing these things because they're truly the "correct" thing to be doing.  We're doing them because someone else is telling us they are correct, and why would we rather do these things because a stranger tells us so than for someone who loves us and cares about us, you know, if we won't ever TRULY do it for ourselves?  That's really what it comes down to...  Regardless of how that information is being handed to you, regardless of how humbly or professionally it's being delivered, that is the message.  "this is how you do it."

Then there's that need to do it "our own way".

I haven't always gotten what I wanted on my own terms.  A lot of compromise and acceptance of what was went into who I am.  Eventually, I had to stop whining about that and just be glad that, regardless of how I've gotten what I have, I do have it.

Case in point...  I wanted to be the one to end "that" relationship.  I had it all planned out, what I was going to say, all the reasons I was going to give...  I had it all worked out, right down to that FINAL "fuck off", and THAT would give me the resolution I needed.  THAT would make the end "real".  Well...  It didn't quite go down that way, and, for a while, I was a little messed up in my head.  Then I realized...  hey... regardless of how this went down, I'm STILL away from the most toxic person I've ever met.  I'm STILL getting better every day.  I'm STILL not having to deal with incessant drama and bullshit.  Hey... you know what?  I'm going to call it good.

Probably, I'll be visiting this kind of topic a lot.  I'm trying to figure out why I'm so messed up.  I've already done this the way "they" told me to do it, for the reasons "they" told me were "correct".  I already know the answers.  That's making it more difficult, and I'm working my way through it.

gr;oewinfhlak

Day 26

I wonder what would happen if I screamed as much as I want to?  I don't mean screamed AT someone as much as I mean let out a blood-curdling shriek whenever I felt the need.  Seriously... what would happen?  Would I ever even shut my mouth?

"don't say that, it isn't very nice"  "don't say that, you'll just start drama"  "do you really need to go there" "it isn't your fault" "it isn't your problem" "there isn't anything you can do about it." "it isn't your place"

goddamn it.

Saturday

Day 25

I'm getting into another one of those moods where I've possibly run out of things to say.  That's so hard on me.  I love running my mouth.  I usually always have something to talk about.  BLAH.

One Month

Day 24

Well, I took the Progesterone until Aunt Flo arrived.  I'm not convinced it's going to help me.  I felt like total crap the first two days, felt great the next 3 days, and like crap again until yesterday.  Then, I felt great for 3 hours and now like crap again.

When will this end?  I know I need to get up off my ass and help things along, so why don't I?  UGH.

Insomnia

Day 23

What is it that keeps me up at night?

I should have known something was up when I started seeing this chick from my past all over facebook.  It's a big internet, and you should be able to maneuver it without rubbing noses with people you really don't like, but, all of a sudden, there she was, mutual friends with several people I know.  UGH.  Seeing her is never a good sign in my life.  She's just a bad omen for me.  Then... BAM... notices in the mail regarding a debt that my ex caused for me.   Something I can't prove isn't my fault.  How do I fix this?   He told me, a few years back, that this aspect of it was all taken  care of/addressed.  If that's accurate, why am I getting a bill in the mail?  I bit the bullet and emailed him over it.  I dare the motherfucker to ignore me.  I will shamelessly post his business all over facebook.  He's all about his image, so hopefully, it won't be an issue. UGH.  I need to get this off my mind.

Work is stressing me out right now.  A LOT more than it should be.  I have to maintain my "bubble" regarding it.  I work to live.  I do not live to work.  I have a job that I should not need to bring home with me, yet, here it is keeping me up at night.  It's one of those times in my life where it's beyond frustrating.  You know what people want from you, but you don't want to give it because they know what you want and they aren't giving it.  Acknowledgement...  is it really that difficult?  I don't think so.  I had to write up this formal dispute over something that I shouldn't have been held accountable for.  I got this nice "well done" email from my boss, and then my two supervisors were all praising me for how well I did too.  Yes.  I have a knack for writing, for getting my point across in an effective manner, but is it REALLY such a shock to you that I'm NOT a goddamn idiot?  It's one of those things... at first, I was flattered they were impressed by it, but then, after I thought about it, it seemed a backhanded compliment... like "we really didn't expect this much of you."  Oh?  And I'm sure I'm making WAY too much of that because I'd have been all butt-hurt if none of them HAD said "good job", but ... fuck...  I guess it's because I feel so stagnant and icky right now.  I feel like I'm going nowhere fast.  I get to feeling stagnant, and I start to resent the people around me.  This has become second nature for me now, and I see people every day who simply don't get it the way that I do, yet there they are on the same level carrying the same title as me.

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?   Maybe I'd feel better if I could just go buy a Porsche or something.  eh... cars never really did it for me.  What would I want to buy or do with a mid-life crisis?  A total body makeover.  Ah yes...  doesn't it always boil down to self-image?  Right now, I simply don't have a good one.  It seems like every opportunity I have to fix that is met with bullshit and drama.  All from myself.  It's a bottomless pit of self-pity and a huge voice in my head screaming "I don't feel like it."  But how's anything going to get better if I don't make it so?  It's simply not.  Period.

an ounce of condescension

Day 22

If there's one thing in this world I can't stand, it's condescension, and I've had about as much of it as I can handle this week.  Seriously.

Earth

Day 21

I've been reading a lot about the sacred element of Earth.  Earth is the element of the north.  It is symbolized by salt, the bell, the pentacle, and stones, to name a few.  It is the element of stability, foundations, and of the body; it is the realm of wisdom, knowledge, growth, and prosperity.

The spiritual aspect of earth is that of serenity and beingness, and the magic associated with it is for grounding and centering of energies, stability and strength, peace, fertility and money.

Earth is associated with winter, it is the time of grounding.  Why does it seem I'm unable to sufficiently ground myself?  I guess I never found many ways other than what I do in warner weather to ground.  Maybe that's my big lesson.  Time to figure out how to change with the seasons.  

Foolishness

Day 20

Sometimes, I wonder if the internet has done the world more harm than good.  We have access to infinite information and contact with an unprecedented amount of  people who have our same capabilities.  How many people can say, though, that they're better humans as a result?

I try, but sometimes I get the better of myself.  Sometimes, it's a challenge to control the beast within.  I guess, in some ways, it has made me a more patient person.  Most often, that's because I am usually able to stop and think "this simply isn't worth it" where I'd usually have gone flying in flying the "fuck it" flag.

It's filled all of us, myself included, with a false sense of importance.  Most of us who put ideas out there think people actually give a shit about what we have to say.  Some do...  most don't.  Yet here we are, putting it out there over and over again... screaming out to the world... "HEY... I have something to say!!"  Really... how many of us have a genuinely original thought?  The more I live, the more I realize that none of us truly do.  The "gimmick" these days lies in putting an old thought out there in a new way.  You know, for the people who didn't understand it or maybe the information didn't apply to them the last time the information was all the rage.

BLAH... I'm on a roll here, but it's time to get ready for work.  I guess we'll say...

to be continued...

Maybe... unless I think of something else to say.

Movies 'n Stuff

Day 19

I just spent the evening watching 2 movies 2 times.  Basically, we're talking about older vs newer versions.

First on deck, the movie adaptation of VC Andrews's "Flowers in the Attic"

Both suck balls in their own way.  If I could combine the two, as far as some of the characters go, I guess we could make a "not half bad" flick.  Ellen Burstyn had the potential to knock the role of The Grandmother outta the park, but I found her to be way too emotional for my taste.  That's not a match for the woman I got to know in the books.  Louise Fletcher, from the 1987 version of the movie, though, nailed it.  She was phenomenal.  The newer version, though, was more true to the books, so I'm always going to find that more to my liking.  I thought Heather Graham was kind of plastic in the role of Corrine, but I do believe, at first, she did love the children.  Victoria Tennant, though, creeped me out from the first minute.  I liked the Cathy and Chris characters better in the newer movie, but I prefer the twins from the older version.  In a nutshell, though, forced to choose, I'll pick the newer one simply because the older movie didn't "go there".  Anyone who knows and loves the series knows full well what I'm talking about, and, if you're not going to "go there" with the relationship between Cathy and Chris, why even bother making the movie?

Next, we watched the newest re-make of Carrie, after which, we decided to watch the 2002 version.

Sometimes, on a very rare occasion, a remake will surpass the original, and, for me, that ALWAYS happens with Stephen King flicks (The Shining, for example).  Let's never mind the '02 version of Carrie for a minute., and I'll just say that technology made all the difference between Sissy Spacek's Carrie and the new Carrie.  The fact that someone filmed the shower scene with their phone while they tormented Carrie over getting her period and then put it on YouTube and THEN played it at the prom after they dumped the blood on her???  Yeah... you just WANT to see those little fuckstains get what's coming to them.  This Carrie was a lot more expressive, too, and I prefer that over Spacek's zombie-like demeanor and the catatonic state of the '02 Carrie... you know, the one who woke up and didn't remember what happened.  REALLY???    Plus?  New Carrie looked beautiful at the prom.  Spacek cleaned up nice, but '02 Carrie still looked like she needed about an hour and a half at the salon.  Plus?  Comparing the 3 girls? Spacek was kind of shy but warmed up some to Tommy, '02 Carrie never deviated from her socially inept routine, but new Carrie?  I loved how she started to come out of her shell.  Spacek was probably more true to the book, and, in all three movies, Tommy was generally a sweet guy. I do really love what they did with the newer movie, and that gets my vote as best re-made movie in tonight's selections.

I could do this all the time.  Now, if only I could get my love to sit down and watch the new version of The Shining with me...  hahaha.

Random Thoughts

Day 18

Lack of inspiration sucks.

Before, I used to write about my own messed up head.  Now...  I'm not so messed up anymore, so there's not very much to tell about me anymore.  Sometimes, though, I still feel lost, but lost in different ways than I felt before.  Right now, the biggest way I feel lost is spiritually.  Not many folks can relate to my path, so I just keep it to myself.

Sometimes, I find myself wanting to write about other people's messed up heads.  Then I just don't.  For myriad reasons.  I guess because, on some level, I can relate to where they're coming from.  Plus, I learned a long time ago; it never pays to spill the beans for how it's all going to turn out.  Nobody ever believes you when you tell them, and they usually go out of their way to prove you wrong, and that process takes a lot longer to play out than it would have normally... and guess who still was right?  Yep.  Besides...  a lesson sticks better when you learn it on your own, when you earn it.  Now I get why nobody ever handed it over to me.

Sure... some people never seem to learn, and, yeah, sometimes I want to grab them by the shoulders and ask them if they're nuts.  But I've gotten better about not doing that too.  Part of me feels like I just don't care anymore, though, because I'm not saying things people really need to hear.

Then, there's this lack of inspiration thing...  and there goes one thing I really enjoyed doing and had a knack for doing.

GPS

Day 17

I'm kind of at a loss here.  I had hoped, at the beginning of the year, that challenging myself to write something daily would generate some inspiration, but it just hasn't.  I'm not sure why.  I think I'll start doing this in the morning rather than at night.  Maybe then I'll make more of an effort and won't be so tempted to cut it short and go to sleep.

Don't Wash the Dishes

Day 16

As a keen observer of human behavior, I watch many of my friends embark on new relationships.  The first time someone mentions that they've washed dishes or did some other kind of domestic act for their new significant other, it seems things start going down hill not long after.

I can't stress enough how important is is to let someone you barely know take care of or NOT take care of his or her self.  Now, I'm certainly not talking about a situation where you're already living with someone and there's a ... mutual sharing of the work.  But damn... when it's young... make sure it's YOU that you're taking care of.

Short and Not So Sweet

Day 15

I'm tired, and I don't feel like it.  Good night.

Proof and Evidence

Day 14

I maintain that I still have not gotten pulled into internet nonsense and drama.  Sure, I've engaged in discussions, but I haven't gotten upset or angry.  That's what matters, right?  Keeping my cool?  I surely think so.

Today, something interesting happened.

I woke up and looked at my news feed.  There were all these hateful posts by this one guy.  I've never seen so much ugliness and so many uses of the N word in one place.  Basically, this guy is a huge racist.  Part of his rantings were about the "black" neighborhood he lives or lived in.  I can't remember which.  Being who I am, I decided to offer some perspective or an alternate point of view.

comments may be slightly ad-libbed, but they are true to the spirit of the conversation.

Me:  "well, I grew up in one of the worst ghettos in Akron, and, to be honest with you, I was more afraid of the white people who lived there."

Him:  "look at you being all trendy.  Isn't it the trendy thing now to be anti-white?"

Me:  "It has nothing to do with being trendy and everything to do with what I experienced growing up. Period."

I'd resolved to not go back to the conversation because, apparently, this person was not in the mood to hear an experience that didn't jibe with his own.  Plus?  I needed to take a step back and think about whether or not I even wanted to keep someone like that around.  BUT... I saw in my notifications that he'd replied to me, and me being the nosy person I am had to take a peek.  Yeah... the whole thread was gone.  Well...  I decided to peruse my email to see what the reply said because I get notifications to my email when someone replies...  He said something to the effect that I wanted to say this and that but I didn't want to offer any proof.

WHAAAAT???  how does one offer PROOF to the things they experienced as a child?  Then I thought...  Really?  and I went back to his page again just to make sure the thread was really gone, and I realized... this dude had put me on the "restricted" list.  Really?  How cowardly does it get to ask someone for something and then not give them the chance to provide it?

You want it, buddy, you've got it.  So, here ya go.  An all inclusive list as to WHY I was more fearful of the white people living in my neighborhood than I was of the black people:

1.)  The psychopath who tried to get my friend and I to get in his car with him by asking directions was WHITE.  I noticed the gun on the front seat and his pants down around his ankles and jerked my friend away and we ran back to her house, which was only about half a block away.

2.)  All the kids in my school who thought their shit didn't stink and did 99% of the berating and bullying were WHITE.

3.)  The hillbilly who beat his wife in the street at least once a week was WHITE.

4.)  The creeper who peeped on my family while we were eating dinner in our kitchen was WHITE.

5.)  The corner store owner who shoved me in the back room and tried to feel me up when I was TEN YEARS OLD was WHITE.

6.)  The person I thought was a lifelong FRIEND that came into my house one night when my mom wasn't home and tried to force himself on me was WHITE.

7.)  The old fucker who tried to pull me into his house one day while I was walking to my friend's house was WHITE.

8.)  The person who walked up to my car and tried to get inside while I was stopped at a red light was WHITE.

By that same token... Most times, when someone stood up for me, it was a black person.  In that neighborhood, on any given street, there were at least 2 houses where I could go and be safe if someone was bothering me.  At least half of them were black folks.  At my school bus stop, my black friend's mother had us come inside and wait in the warmth during the winter.  I lived next door to some of the most decent, awesome people you could ever hope to meet.  Were they white?  Nope.

That's my experience in the ghetto of Akron.

Nothing

Day 13

Sometimes, I forget the value of just sitting around and doing nothing.  Today, I re-discovered that.  I had a vacation day from work, and it was SO nice to not be accountable for or to anything/anyone.  I wish I could say I've gained some new insights or inspiration, but I did not.  What I do know is that I feel mostly rested, for a change, and that's a good thing.

I wish I'd had Michael bring something chocolate home from the store.  The toast with butter and grape jelly just didn't do the trick.  Ah well... I guess it's for the better.  I guess I should start early on telling my cravings "no" if I'm going to do this boot camp program.

13 days in, and I still feel I've yet to say anything of substance.  What is this world coming to?  I used to be chock full of words and wisdom.  I guess I've gotten into the habit of rationalizing everyone's behaviors and thinking I shouldn't assume.  Well, you know what?  Some people out there NEED my words.  I have been told that repeatedly.  I just need to shut up and do it.

Cleaning

Day 12

This weekend, we did a "spring cleaning" style house cleaning.  I guess we'll turn around and do it all again when it's spring cleaning time, though.  There's something comforting about siting down and looking around at your clean house.  Honestly, I don't know how people sit around in a mess and feel ... peaceful.  I'm not judging, but it's just one of those things I don't understand.

Even at its messiest, though, a lot of people would be surprised at how clean our house stays.  This is because they know where I come from.  I guess it's just an example of how much my childhood taught me about who I do not want to be.

I remember dating this one guy who lived in squalor.  It hurt my nerves every day I was there.

The other day, one of my fb friends was talking about people who post pictures with their dirty house visible.  That conversation kind of cracked me up.  I guess I'm not the only one who notices.  And... what does it matter, really?  I guess that's the big question.  Just because it frazzles MY nerves, that doesn't mean it does the same to everyone.  Surely, there is more to life, but I do have to say that, for me, I'm sitting here enjoying the peace this brings me.

Stuff

Day 11

I felt a lot better today.  This made me happy.  I went to a gym to find out about this 2 month boot camp class they're putting on.  I'm going to go ahead and do it.  Maybe it will kick start my energy and I can get back in the swing of things in that way.  I came home and Michael and I cleaned the house.  We're both beat now.  I love that he's the kind of guy who doesn't mind doing house work.  Hopefully, as I get more in to this, my writing will become more interesting.  So far, I'm really not impressed with myself.  ugh.  I don't want to keep my resolution on a technicality.

Fixing It

Day 10


I went to this doctor so I could feel better.  Not worse.  These progesterone pills are making me feel like the birth control pills did before.  I'm even more depressed than I would be with my "normal" PMS symptoms, my mind feels cloudy, and I'd just as soon cry or stab someone.  I don't get it at all.  So.. yeah.. this is what I'm writing today, and I'm going to bust my ass to be all better by the time I go back to work tuesday morning.

Self Aware...

Day 9:

I guess I'm moving into the PMS phase of my cycle, which hits me at day 14 of my cycle.  Isn't that kind of early?  Anyhow, I can tell because I think everything and everyone (yes, including myself) are incredibly stupid.

I must say that I'm incredibly grateful to be so self-aware that way.  Sometimes, it pays to figure out how to get to the bottom of things or to step back and get some perspective on how you're feeling and why you're feeling that way.

"really?  there's no good reason for this."

"ah yes... you feel like this at this point EVERY month."

"must be the old hormone machine cranking away..."

This self discovery and self knowledge keeps me from completely going off on some poor soul for no good reason or from delivering some deserving ass hat a dose of nastiness.  It doesn't always work, but it is about 98% effective.

This problem, my friends, is because I am deficient in progesterone.  My doctor gave me a prescription for it to start this month.  I'm to take it from day 14 up until Aunt Flo arrives.  Last night was my first pill.  So far, I still feel like a cranky old bitch, but we'll see.

The key word in this whole blog is "perspective".  It is SO very important to be the person who can step back and take an objective look at a situation before jumping to a reactive state.  It's most important to be able to do this with yourself.  How many truly can?  Not many that I know.  When asked for advice, that's the lesson I try most to give because I've found it to be the most productive and the healthiest.

Anyhow... I hope these pills work.  Last time I took progesterone in the form of birth control pills, I turned into a raving lunatic.  The doctor says this is because the progesterone in bc pills is synthetic, and someone who needs progesterone will react that way to a synthetic hormone.  Supposedly, this stuff I'm taking now is natural.  I don't magically feel A-OK this morning, but I guess we'll give it a few days.   Until then, I will do my best to keep my perspective appropriately aligned.

Soooo Tired

Day 8

I'm posting this to keep my word.  It's going to be brief and to the point.  I didn't sleep for crap last night, so we're going to call it an early night.  That means watching AHS on the DVR too.  Ah well...  haha.  Have a good night.

Clearing the air...

Day 7

Open message to an asshole:

I've had something on my mind for a few days now...  I've been told that someone's cold and callous treatment toward me, over the last 24 years, was a way of getting back at me, that someone's 24 years of neglect toward our child was a way of getting back at me.  See... in order for a tactic like that to work, one actually has to care or notice that he or she is being treated coldly or callously. All I knew is that you were gone and that I was glad. I love that you've expended your energy toward someone who simply didn't give a shit, never had, and never would.  See... one would actually have to care that you're gone.  How can that be when I'm the one who left?  All I remember is walking away with a huge sigh of relief.  No more punches to the face, kicks to the stomach, or having my valuables burned in front of me out of sheer cruelty.  Why would I mourn the loss of any of that?  Why would I care that someone like that wasn't around?  For so many years I thought what happened to me didn't matter anymore, and what mattered was my son who didn't have a father.  I see now how wrong that was.  My son didn't need an example like you in his life. Because of your absence and the lack of your influence, he is one of the kindest, most decent human beings that one could ever hope to meet.  He actually cares about people.  My writing this is getting the last little bit of it out of my system.  See...  having these things brought to my attention really made something more clear to me, something I've been needing to express.  In your attempt to hurt *me* by your coldness and callousness and your neglect of your child, you've harmed no one other than yourself by carrying around this ugliness for nearly a quarter of a century.  It makes me laugh, to be honest.  In order to hurt someone, there's this implication that the person being hurt has actually ever given a shit about you.  I realized a long time ago that I didn't really. Not ever.  Singularly and solely because, when I was so young, I didn't truly understand what that meant.  My marriage to you was not the most significant relationship of my life, and your "damage" was not the most emotionally harrowing experience of my life.  From the wreckage of that relationship, I grew up and moved on.  I'd assumed you'd done the same and had worked my way into a feeling of indifference toward you and the past, which was a change from the blinding hatred toward an emotional and physical bully.  I'm privileged to learn that you have not grown up, you have not changed a bit.  For a minute, it threw me for a loop because...  what really happens when the tools or thoughts with which you move past an issue prove to be false?  I had the epiphany, though, that it doesn't matter how you get past something as long as it's done in a healthy way.  What matters is that you got past it.  So, to be clear...  your coldness hasn't bothered me in any way, so, in closing, I'd say... Get over yourself.  Maybe you should try rebelling against people by being what they don't expect.  Some don't expect you won't ever be more than a raging shit bag.  ;-)

Okay...

Day 6

Why does life always boil down to "people should just keep their mouths shut"?  How on earth did we ever get the internet off the ground bearing that concept in mind?  Over on the facety space, some folks are bitching about the weather... other folks are bitching about the people bitching about the weather... some folks are even bitching about the people who are bitching about the people who are bitching about the weather...  I mean... what's it matter to anyone what another person wants to say?  If you don't want to read it, just blow right on by there.  But no... we have to posture against whatever it is that anyone else wants to say.

IT'S COLD, and if you want to bitch about it, please feel free to do so.

I also can't stand to be told what it is that I "should" be caring about.  Sure...  I may get all up in arms about topic X...  but someone has to get all sanctimonious and condescending and say something like, "I can't believe you care about X.  How come nobody cares or thinks about J, K, or L?"  Uh... because we don't see the value in caring about that the way you do?  Uh... because we don't really have the energy to spend learning about it?  Uh... because no one has ever brought it to our attention?  Or... how about maybe we just don't give as  much of a shit about it as YOU do?  And, you know what?  That's okay.  It doesn't make us deficient human beings because we care about different things.  AND... here's the clincher...  it doesn't make you a better, more superior human being because you DO.  What it makes us is "different", and "different" is the beauty in this world.

I can't believe how awful Dennis Quaid looks right now.  WOW.

Stuff That Keeps Me Awake

Day 5

I just woke up to the sound of hail hitting our bedroom window.  Yeah... how'd that happen?  I almost went to bed for the night without writing.  Well... here I am now all set to fix that.  I fell asleep watching Thor.  It was on once, and, near the end, Cakey wanted to go to bed so I went and laid down with him for a while and watched the end of the movie in the bedroom.  The movie came on a second time and (yeah, I'm a weirdo, so I started watching it again) I fell asleep as Odin was kicking Thor out of Asgard again.

I wonder why worry really only sets in at night?

I worry about this coming weather.  It's about 5 degrees warmer now than it was when we went to lie down. Looking out the window, I see the rain has washed away most of the snow we had in our yard.  Freezing temperatures are to follow this?  How am I going to get off my porch without falling and busting my head open or without breaking an arm or a leg?  We've salted everything down, but doesn't that stuff loose it's effectiveness once the cold hits a certain point?  What if one or both of our cars are affected by this shit?  I've already had to call off once for being sick.  I worked so hard all year to improve my attendance record.  It would really upset me to have to put yet another ding in it.  At least it's the new year, so any time missed would be paid.  Well... I really shouldn't put any particular vibe out there, so I'm going to shut up about that and hope for the best.  I guess it isn't supposed to get nasty cold until later in the day anyhow.  I guess we shall see what happens.

I worry about getting stuck somewhere and not being able to get home.  That's a huge one for me.  I really hate being away from home.  I've always been that way.  Even as a child, I'd prefer someone to come spend the night with me than me going away from home.  I remember telling my mom to tell friends I wasn't allowed to spend the night, being away from my own home made me that nervous/upset.  By and large, I'm still the same way.  It's very unsettling to me, being outside of my comfort zone for too long.  Vacations are usually "stay-cations", and, if I go away, it's usually not for very much longer than maybe a long weekend.

I worry about money.  I'm not sure how, at the end of a year where I've made more money than I've ever made in my entire life, I'm completely broke.  On paper, we should be very, very comfortable, but damn...  I think the added cost of the heating bill and poor preparation for that over the summer have really killed us.  That, and my needing to buy a car that I'm making payments on.  sheesh.  I know the hole will be crawled out of, but right now really fucking sucks.  I mean REALLY.   It depresses me that I make as much money, if not more, than people I considered "middle class" when I was young, yet I have next to nothing to show for that.

All of this kind of shit goes on in my head and whirls around and around like a jumbo tornado, yet I seem to have lost the ability to meditate.  I really need to get back what I've lost regarding my spiritual practices.

I guess I'll try to go back to sleep now...

By the way... I just dumped some worries here.  I'm not looking to be counseled or anything like that.  If you can relate, that's all well and good, but I've asked no one to fix anything for me.

Good night.  :-)

I got somethin' to say...

Day 4

How is this ever going to work out when I feel like I don't really have much to say anymore?

My son came over to hang out with us tonight.  I love when he comes to visit.  We ordered pizza and just sat here and chilled.  It was a great evening.  We were watching the Star Wars MythBusters show.  I often wonder why people try to prove or disprove the feasibility of things you see in the movies or the TV shows.  What's the point?  Why spoil the wonder of the screen?  They enjoyed it, but it kind of annoyed me.

Then again...  lots of things annoyed me today.  It seems that the very act of waking up bugged the piss right out of me.  I'm not sure why.  I wonder if it's the hormone thing again.  I certainly didn't have any dreams that bothered me.  I wasn't mad at anyone or anything.  It's strange.  It's strange when even Michael notices, and he did.  I guess we'll see what happens.

Discipline

Day 3

It would have been so easy for me to come home from my long day and just go to bed.  I'm trying to be more disciplined, though, so here I am, keeping one of my new year's resolutions.  I'm writing something today.

Speaking of discipline, why can't more people discipline themselves not to be assholes?  Why can't I discipline myself to NOT get the soda in the vending machine just one time and opt for some water instead?  Why can't I discipline myself into using the damn gym membership I'm paying for?

Baby steps, I suppose... baby steps.

Is this blog a step in the right direction?  We shall see..

Maybe tomorrow I can finish that book I've started reading.  I still can't tell whether or not I like it.  I can't tell if it's a deliberate attempt by the author to be a certain way or to send a certain message or if that's just who he is.  I'm leaning toward the former.  If I stick with that thought by the end of the book, I'll give another book by this guy a chance.  If not...  I've really got no interest in reading anymore.  No thanks, Mr. Henry Rollins... I know all to well exactly how isolation and misery feel.  I'm pretty sure, though, that you're slinging some shit at some folks.  If that's the case, it's nothing short of brilliant.

I guess, when I'm done, I'll put together an official "review".  I do have 362 more blogs to write, so we'll have to have something to talk about, no?  haha.  Hopefully, this morphs into more than me putting my random thoughts out in written form.  I mean, isn't that what facebook is for?  geez, brain... come up with something of substance already.

Ghosts

*I guess, for the foreseeable future, I'll be using this blog for the writing project.  The internet doesn't want to allow me to access the new blog I created.  After the stuff I noticed that was jacked up yesterday and this today...  I'm really not wanting to use that site anymore.

Day 2

I guess it's only fitting that the universe supplied me with something to actually talk about; you know, it just had to sling some shit my way that I'd need to process.

I've made it my life's work to study the process of "getting over it", as I've had a great many things I've needed to process, put away, and move past.  I'm not one of those "I'll never get over it" people that I have minimal respect for.  There's no person in my past for whom I will always pine.  There's no great "regret".  There's no "one who got away", unless the love of my life decides that he doesn't want to be here anymore, in which case, I may change my stance on my prior statements.  Doubtful, but I might.  I don't see that happening, though, so I'll just live my life as it currently stands with my own current reality.

Rationalization is a key factor in my world and in my "moving on" process.  "well, this is what this is, and that is what that is, so what did you really think was going to happen?  It was a bad combination for these reasons and those reasons have nothing to do with you or who you are..." You get the drill.  That one works best for the scenarios in which you were too young and too stupid to know better than to do the things you'd done.  After that, you need to come up with something better for processing the negative situations that keep coming into your life over and over again.   "okay... this keeps happening...  what's the common denominator here... me.  What am I doing, not seeing, or not learning from these situations that keeps them coming my way?"

I had a point when I started writing this, but, really...  what's the purpose in saying names and giving details?

I have to get ready for work now.