Growth Chart

I remember, back in high school, when I was dating the boy who would become my ex husband. One day, I was walking through the hallway over at his house, and I noticed these marks on the door jamb leading into his bedroom. I asked his mom what they were. She explained to me that these were marks that indicated my ex's growth over the years from the time he was old enough to stand up. "How nice," I thought, "a measure of time and growth, the process of getting from there to here." I then wished that someone had thought to do that for me as a child, but no one ever had. Though no one had ever thought to record it, I have definitely grown over the course of time, and, just recently, I was presented with the proof of it.

Currently, I find myself in a situation where I need to move. Let me not get caught up in the myriad reasons I hate moving and focus, instead, on the fact that the need to move has caused me to have to root through a lot of old things and clear up a lot of clutter, both figuratively and literally. This is why, last night, I found myself sitting in my dining room cleaning out a drawer full of old papers I'd accumulated over the past 6 years or so.

In the course of my cleaning, I came across several old letters I'd written to an ex (not the aforementioned ex husband). Out of curiosity, I read them. I was so dismayed by what I saw. I couldn't even believe that I had written that drivel. Who was that girl? Who was this person who was begging someone who simply couldn't be bothered, to talk to her? Was that ME? Why on earth was I begging an emotional invalid to put as much into a relationship as I was putting in? Why on earth was I inviting head games and misery into my life?

Suddenly, I got very angry. I was angry that I wasted such a large part of my life on bullshit like that. Why did I need to beg someone for something that should just be given in a genuinely loving and caring relationship? Why did I remain in this relationship that was, quite painfully obviously, completely and utterly unfulfilling?

Who knows?

What I do know is that I am no longer that girl. I really hadn't thought I changed all that much over the past 6 or 7 years, but, looking at those letters made me see I had.

I'm a better person
I'm a better friend
I'm a better everything

better yet?

I know I will NEVER again settle on that kind of nonsense being in my life. I look back at who I was then, and, wow, there have been a lot of changes. I've turned my back on other situations that haven't fully satisfied me. I've not accepted sub-human treatment from anyone. I know when to cut my losses and leave.

Growth? You bet. I'm willing to wager I've gained at least a foot and a half. ;-)

Moon Magick

There is nothing like the energy of the full moon. Mother Moon is what her name is, and she is the epitome of all coming to fruition. She is the beginning of the change... she goes from the nurturing mother to the Crone that is full of wisdom and knowledge. There is no better time for doing any kind of magickal task than during the full moon, and I took full advantage of her in all of her bright, shining, glory tonight.

I've felt blocked for so long. I've not felt the harmonious flow of the universe in my being for so long. A few weeks ago, I started doing some things... they felt like I was... tying up loose ends in some way. A few people, I had to make final contact with; I had to see them for who and what they are one last time before I could let them, or the idea of them go. Those events further solidified my resolve to never again question my instincts. How many times did I pine for what "was" or what "could have been" when I already knew how it would turn out? How many times did I question my decisions to walk away from things that brought me nothing but pain? Too many times. Never again.

Tonight, I honored the beauty of the moon, and my ritual included burning away all of the negative things I felt the need to dispose of. The ideas of people who turned out to be harmful to my soul. Old feelings, resentment, anger, hurt, fear, and, sure, love. A love without the potential to grow can be as smothering to one's soul as fear, hatred, and anger. I wrote all these things out on little slips of paper, I placed them in my cauldron, and I set fire to them. As the flames danced in the darkness of the night, I felt all of the feelings in me float away. There is now a nothingness in my soul where these feelings once made their home. I look forward to what will replace them, as I know that I will never again allow something that will prevent my spirit from advancing to where it needs to go.

Clarity

I remember the first time I experienced a moment of clarity. I was 33 years old (yes, 33), and I was cleaning my house. I was wiping down one of my dining room chairs, and I realized how thoroughly absorbed and focused I was on my chore. There was nothing on my mind other than that chair and my need to make the dirt on it go away. I realized, in that moment of nothingness, that I would be alright. I would be fine. I was there... in my living room, completely and thoroughly absorbed in the task at hand. There was nothing on my mind, none of it was there. For a moment, the hurt was gone, and my path, though not revealed, was crystal clear.

Everything that had happened prior to that moment was everything and nothing. It had brought me to this point, yet it was insignificant. All of it had been the cloud in which I had previously been walking around, but it was gone... the air was clear. Nothing was hovering around me, and the future was wide open and ahead of me.

and then the phone rang.