Insomnia

Day 23

What is it that keeps me up at night?

I should have known something was up when I started seeing this chick from my past all over facebook.  It's a big internet, and you should be able to maneuver it without rubbing noses with people you really don't like, but, all of a sudden, there she was, mutual friends with several people I know.  UGH.  Seeing her is never a good sign in my life.  She's just a bad omen for me.  Then... BAM... notices in the mail regarding a debt that my ex caused for me.   Something I can't prove isn't my fault.  How do I fix this?   He told me, a few years back, that this aspect of it was all taken  care of/addressed.  If that's accurate, why am I getting a bill in the mail?  I bit the bullet and emailed him over it.  I dare the motherfucker to ignore me.  I will shamelessly post his business all over facebook.  He's all about his image, so hopefully, it won't be an issue. UGH.  I need to get this off my mind.

Work is stressing me out right now.  A LOT more than it should be.  I have to maintain my "bubble" regarding it.  I work to live.  I do not live to work.  I have a job that I should not need to bring home with me, yet, here it is keeping me up at night.  It's one of those times in my life where it's beyond frustrating.  You know what people want from you, but you don't want to give it because they know what you want and they aren't giving it.  Acknowledgement...  is it really that difficult?  I don't think so.  I had to write up this formal dispute over something that I shouldn't have been held accountable for.  I got this nice "well done" email from my boss, and then my two supervisors were all praising me for how well I did too.  Yes.  I have a knack for writing, for getting my point across in an effective manner, but is it REALLY such a shock to you that I'm NOT a goddamn idiot?  It's one of those things... at first, I was flattered they were impressed by it, but then, after I thought about it, it seemed a backhanded compliment... like "we really didn't expect this much of you."  Oh?  And I'm sure I'm making WAY too much of that because I'd have been all butt-hurt if none of them HAD said "good job", but ... fuck...  I guess it's because I feel so stagnant and icky right now.  I feel like I'm going nowhere fast.  I get to feeling stagnant, and I start to resent the people around me.  This has become second nature for me now, and I see people every day who simply don't get it the way that I do, yet there they are on the same level carrying the same title as me.

Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?   Maybe I'd feel better if I could just go buy a Porsche or something.  eh... cars never really did it for me.  What would I want to buy or do with a mid-life crisis?  A total body makeover.  Ah yes...  doesn't it always boil down to self-image?  Right now, I simply don't have a good one.  It seems like every opportunity I have to fix that is met with bullshit and drama.  All from myself.  It's a bottomless pit of self-pity and a huge voice in my head screaming "I don't feel like it."  But how's anything going to get better if I don't make it so?  It's simply not.  Period.