Stuff That Keeps Me Awake

Day 5

I just woke up to the sound of hail hitting our bedroom window.  Yeah... how'd that happen?  I almost went to bed for the night without writing.  Well... here I am now all set to fix that.  I fell asleep watching Thor.  It was on once, and, near the end, Cakey wanted to go to bed so I went and laid down with him for a while and watched the end of the movie in the bedroom.  The movie came on a second time and (yeah, I'm a weirdo, so I started watching it again) I fell asleep as Odin was kicking Thor out of Asgard again.

I wonder why worry really only sets in at night?

I worry about this coming weather.  It's about 5 degrees warmer now than it was when we went to lie down. Looking out the window, I see the rain has washed away most of the snow we had in our yard.  Freezing temperatures are to follow this?  How am I going to get off my porch without falling and busting my head open or without breaking an arm or a leg?  We've salted everything down, but doesn't that stuff loose it's effectiveness once the cold hits a certain point?  What if one or both of our cars are affected by this shit?  I've already had to call off once for being sick.  I worked so hard all year to improve my attendance record.  It would really upset me to have to put yet another ding in it.  At least it's the new year, so any time missed would be paid.  Well... I really shouldn't put any particular vibe out there, so I'm going to shut up about that and hope for the best.  I guess it isn't supposed to get nasty cold until later in the day anyhow.  I guess we shall see what happens.

I worry about getting stuck somewhere and not being able to get home.  That's a huge one for me.  I really hate being away from home.  I've always been that way.  Even as a child, I'd prefer someone to come spend the night with me than me going away from home.  I remember telling my mom to tell friends I wasn't allowed to spend the night, being away from my own home made me that nervous/upset.  By and large, I'm still the same way.  It's very unsettling to me, being outside of my comfort zone for too long.  Vacations are usually "stay-cations", and, if I go away, it's usually not for very much longer than maybe a long weekend.

I worry about money.  I'm not sure how, at the end of a year where I've made more money than I've ever made in my entire life, I'm completely broke.  On paper, we should be very, very comfortable, but damn...  I think the added cost of the heating bill and poor preparation for that over the summer have really killed us.  That, and my needing to buy a car that I'm making payments on.  sheesh.  I know the hole will be crawled out of, but right now really fucking sucks.  I mean REALLY.   It depresses me that I make as much money, if not more, than people I considered "middle class" when I was young, yet I have next to nothing to show for that.

All of this kind of shit goes on in my head and whirls around and around like a jumbo tornado, yet I seem to have lost the ability to meditate.  I really need to get back what I've lost regarding my spiritual practices.

I guess I'll try to go back to sleep now...

By the way... I just dumped some worries here.  I'm not looking to be counseled or anything like that.  If you can relate, that's all well and good, but I've asked no one to fix anything for me.

Good night.  :-)