Last night, Cakey and I were talking about something he'd read in a book we got at the bookstore yesterday. We were talking about the mind, thoughts, and how damaging the act of thinking could be. The book suggested that, when we start to think, we simply become an observer of our thoughts. I'm not sure why the conversation upset me so much, but I ended up a crying heap on the couch. I guess, if I take an objective look, it's because I wonder if I'll ever learn to stop fucking myself up with my thoughts. Sure... it's a possibility. I guess. Maybe.
No matter what you try to do with other people, it really sucks feeling like you're the only one who wants it. I'm trying to put together a group of like-minded friends to do things together, to grow and learn in our practices and faith. It feels like pulling teeth to get an ounce of energy from anyone who isn't me. Why am I always in "that" role? The one for whom nothing can happen smoothly and easily. Always, always I have to prove to the universe how badly I want it. I don't think I've ever been that person who has taken things for granted. Maybe it's from a past life or something. Funny... it's always the things that matter the most to me that don't come easily. I mean, shit... it took me how long to find my true mate?
The mood I'm currently in... Well... I guess I'll try to observe my thoughts. Maybe I can develop this skill. Who knows? I wonder if the person who came up with this fantastic peace-finding tactic was a female, and, if so, how did she handle the goddamn hormones?
I thought I avoided PMS this month. I guess it's going to be the variety that shows up after the fact, though. Plus, it didn't really help matters that shit started about a week early.
Well... I have to go now. It's later than I intended, and there's that job. Maybe that woman at the psych eval was right. Maybe I'm depressed.
