A Place of Love

This past fall, when I learned I had to move, I didn't know where I would go or where I wanted to be. I seriously considered packing up and moving to St. Louis, but it didn't happen. I like to say it's because of my job and my unwillingness to believe that I would find one as good out there. Honestly? I think my life here in Akron simply isn't over yet.

I had been having dreams of being somewhere, I'd always assumed it was St. Louis, I was in this place, I was standing on a balcony, I could hear music playing, I felt someone come up behind me and put his arms around me. Gently, we swayed to the music. He kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, "this is a place of love for you." Never mind who it was, because I'm pretty sure that isn't the important part.

I remember when I first saw this apartment. I didn't look around as well as I wanted to because the guy who was still living here was home at the time, and I didn't really feel comfortable nosing around with his things here. I said I'd take the place because it was an improvement from where I was currently living, it was in a secured building, and it was in a neighborhood I'd always wanted to live in. There you have it. I signed on the non-dotted line, and it was a done deal.

The day I got the keys, I came here immediately afterwards. I came in to do a Pagan cleansing ritual before bringing any of my belongings here. I basically wanted to rid the place of any negative energies and prepare the place for myself. While I was here, I decided to step out on the balcony, and, when I did, I immediately knew I was moving to the right place. I knew this was home. I knew this was my place of love. The view was the same as the dream. All that was missing was the music and the arms.

Most people don't believe in reincarnation, but I do. Standing in that empty apartment, I knew, as well, that I'd been here before. It was a moment of total clarity. I could tell you what I had and where it all had been, and none of it was anything I currently owned. One of my prior incarnations had lived here before. For a while, that confused me. Was this her place of love, was it to be mine, was it ours, or was that former life calling me back here to give me some kind of healing that I was desperately needing?

and here comes the part where I want to rapidly wrap up the ending because I'm tired of writing now, I have a migraine, and I have things to do today. Because of endings I'd rushed in the past, however, I know that I simply can't do that this time, so I'll leave you with this:

To be continued.

My Weekly Rant

Why the fuck do people think it's okay to be so condescending and patronizing to their friends under the guise of "meaning well"? Sure, every word can't be well thought out, absolutely appropriate, or... just... perfect, but DAMN... Give a little more thought to the shit you say to your FRIENDS when they're feeling down.

This all stems from my feeling lonely this week. I voiced something about this on FB yesterday, and I got one of the patronizing remarks that we single folk tend to get when we have the audacity to voice our loneliness, "oh, it'll happen when you least expect it." Really? who the fuck says I'm "expecting" anything? Who the fuck says I'm not out there thoroughly enjoying my single life, making the most of it, working on myself, and being the best me I can possibly be with NO EXPECTATION of it all winning the heart of some unsuspecting schmuck? Who says I'm not doing it, ALL OF IT because it makes ME happy, proud of myself, and it makes me feel good inside?

Guess what? Right now, in myriad ways, I'm happier than I've EVER been, and there is no man at my side. I'm having a hormonal week, I feel a little bit lonely, and I shared it with my friends. fucking crucify me for it, why don't ya? Why not paint me as some clingy, whiny, desperate asshole who can't function without a man in her life? Because, when you patronize me the way you did, that's how I think you see me. In all honesty, I shouldn't care, but I think a bit of me used to be that girl and, guess what? I'm fucking NOT anymore. I'm proud of who I've become, and the fact that you said such a thing to me clearly indicates that you've paid no attention to the changes I've made in my life. That's the part that hurts. No credit for progress. Well, guess what? I don't NEED your validation because I know what I know, and I'm happy with me. Still, that doesn't mean I need patronizing remarks that are meant to "bring hope" when my hope will ALWAYS be in tact.

Bite me.

I know I'm being tested by the universe. Now, when I'm feeling low, I get to see a couple of asshole women with seemingly awesome guys. Probably they're all jackasses, and I have no way of knowing that things are so perfect for them. It just bothers me when ... well... assholes are happy because, at least in the case presented above, being happy doesn't prevent them from being assholes. Guess what, though? This guy isn't going to fix what is wrong in the pit of your soul. It is YOUR job to fix you, to complete you, and to make you happy. I regret that it took me so long to learn that.

Random Thoughts

Since Cristy posted hers, it inspired me to share mine.

No carbs isn't working as well for me as it did before. I'm going to change up the diet some over the course of the weekend. I'm thinking of going with a whole foods approach. We'll see how it looks when I visit Earth Fare probably on Sunday.

People who bully others piss me off. You don't dump on someone about anything other than what they actually did to YOU. You don't berate, piss, and moan about everything that person supposedly did to everyone else on the planet. Shit... stick with what directly affects you.

I wish I could get away with going to work dressed like a hooker like this one broad at work does. Well, no, I don't wish I could. I wouldn't inflict my flab and rolls on my co-workers, most of whom, I like.

I'm so excited about my new yoga adventures.

I've finally learned. I hope the universe doesn't put me through this same lesson again. Genuinely, I get it now. I'm done. I'm leaving it alone now. Hot stoves ALWAYS burn.

I like slowly sipping this strawberry flavored fizzy water I bought at Walmart this evening. It kind of reminds me of wine or something. I love that it's 0 calories, 0 carbs, etc. Don't worry, I don't fool myself into thinking I'm drinking water. I still have my 96oz of water daily.

I really like Jessica. I'm glad we've become friends. I've wanted to make peace for a long time, but friends? That's so much more than I hoped for and it's awesome.

I got two dresses at Burlington last night. They're cute. Now let's see if I'm brave enough to actually wear the one out somewhere. The other one's for my cousin's wedding.

I think I'm done rambling now. I need to go and start getting over it. Now I know, for sure and for certain, it will happen this time. I don't need to wonder anymore. I know I tried, I know it isn't my fault. I know.