Do I even like you?

A friend and I were talking just the other day about a guy she's kind of seeing.

"I like him," she told me. Then she listed these reasons why she liked him, and we both ended up realizing that the reasons, while good, can still turn out to be bad ones. What she ended up saying to me is something I've pondered more than once in my myriad dating... uh... "adventures."

"I wonder though... do I like him, or do I just like him because he likes me?"

See, the reasons given were all centered around how the things he does makes her feel good when she's around him. Like I said, those aren't necessarily bad reasons. I mean, why on earth would we put our energy into liking someone around whom we feel bad?

The thing is this... there needs to be more going on than how you feel when you're around the other person. I've always known, up front, that there will be trouble when someone tells me something like that. At some point or other, in ALL of my involvements, I throw the challenge down... "you like me? that's nice. Why do you like me?" If the first thing out of his mouth is "because you make me feel good when I'm around you." or anything like that, I know there are going to be problems. Why? Oh, please... allow me to 'splain.

See... I have a dynamic personality. I have the ability to relate to people, and I can get just about anyone to relate to me. I have the gift of empathy, humor, compassion, and... around me, you can be 100% you. Oh, and I'm good at ego stroking. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but there are very few people I simply can't get along with, and, whether or not a person realizes it, they usually feel better after having spent time with me. The thing is this... if this is the only thing you like about me, that you feel better or good about yourself after spending time with me, I will end up disappointing you.

When we rely on other people to generate our good feelings, it places a constant expectation on the other person. Take me, for example. When I was in a situation like this, there was this enormous pressure on me to always be completely awesome, and, folks, I'm just not. I have bad days. I get into moods. I'm not always going to be able to feed a needy ego. Period. Then what happens? You see that, just like everyone else on the planet, I'm a human being, I'm flawed, and now I've disappointed you. What's left between us when the only thing there to begin with was that I made you feel good? Nothing.

Like me because I'm smart. Like me because I'm funny. Like me because I'm a decent human being. Like my kindness. Like that I do quirky things. Like that I'm not afraid EVER to be 100% who I am. Like that I know how to behave no matter where I am. What you should absolutely not, EVER, do is look to me for your sense of self-gratification. I mean, of course it's good to like that you feel better after having spent time with someone special, but that shouldn't be the ONLY thing you appreciate about the person. If they are, eventually, they WILL disappoint you.

So, my friend and I decided that there are other things about this guy that she likes, and I'm happy for her. :-) I hope it goes well for her. Me?  I guess my point is this: I haven't always known what I was doing in the past, but I have learned, and, while I'm still a flawed individual, I know it isn't fair to base my interactions with others on "what's in it for me?"

The mess

I guess I've put the cart before the horse a bit here by talking about my highway musings first. I guess that was for effect, to catch attention, to... suck you in, so to speak. I guess maybe I should start with this: Prior to about a month ago, I've always had issues with trusting myself, my instincts. Never mind that, after the fact, on numerous occasions, I've always been right. Never mind that. I always figured this (whenever "this" happened to be) would be the time I was wrong. Yes, this would be the time I was wrong, and all the things that my gut screamed at me to get away from because they were horribly wrong would turn out just fine and dandy. How awful is that? To be right time and time again but to only know it after inflicting torment and pain upon yourself because you're convinced that you're wrong? Wow.

It was mid-January, and, as I recall it, I was driving to my then-boyfriend's place (not "home" as I previously thought. So, I lied. Sue me). Things had felt odd between us for a couple of weeks, at that time, and my gut knew what the problem was. The deepest part of me knew what was going on and what was coming, yet... Maybe I was wrong. See how easy that is? It's a trap, you know, and it was the worst kind of mind fuck, if you ask me, you know, the ones I've pulled on myself.

See... here's the deal... The truth of the matter is that I was re-living the number one worst relationship I'd ever been in, but I convinced myself that I was just projecting my issues about the past on to my present circumstances. It was completely eerie how my then-boyfriend would say or do these things, and they would be verbatim or identical to what Mr. Six Years Ago had said or done. It was completely creepy at times. and... WOW.

The six+ years ago drama is what taught me ALL that I needed to know about toxicity and destructive relationships that I'd need to know for the whole rest of my life. I was constantly on high alert for a line of bullshit, and I could see it coming from 12 miles away. The thing is? I was TIRED of being constantly on guard. I was TIRED of freaking out over every tiny little thing that reminded me of the worst point in my life. I was TIRED of blaming other people for what one person had done to me. The end result was that I gave this situation more of a chance than I should have.

See... I'd see and hear these things that would send me into an emotional tailspin... I swear to fuck, it was just like he had a fucking script from back then. Only... I tried to convince myself that it wasn't fair to hold the past against the present. Just because Person A said this and was lying doesn't mean that Person B is lying when HE says it... Bullshit. Well, I didn't know it then, but I do now, and that's what matters. What matters now is that it didn't take the better part of a decade for me to figure it out this time.

See how it was a double-edged sword though? Maybe even triple edged. Underneath it all, I knew what was going on. I knew that goddamn spade was a spade. There was, however, my foolish tendency to override my own common sense and there was the part of me who felt guilty for judging the new person for what the old person had done. Which way to go? which way to go?

Starting over

Warning: The person writing this blog realizes she's about to say some very off the wall things, and she'd like to take a moment to assure everyone that she does not have a death wish. In fact, I assure you, she's (even though she's taken to referring to herself in the third person) a rather sane and reasonable person. Sharing this is a part of her journey, so don't make our heroine regret it. I wonder, though, if anyone reading this has the balls to be as honest as she's about to be?

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I remember driving down the expressway one night, on my way home from work, and, for a split second, it crossed my mind to just let go of the wheel and move on. Does anyone else ever have that thought? To just move on? Not to die, but to move on to the next journey? Anyone? I suppose it was more of a desire to be anywhere but here. Here had grown bad... old... and it wasn't exactly within my means to walk away from everything I know. I want to feel bad or wrong for saying this, but I know I'm not. We have all, at one time or another, stood on an edge, either literally or figuratively, and wondered what would happen if we jumped, even if it was for a split second or even a fraction of a second. That urge, it's human nature. Google it if you don't believe me. It's a mild form of OCD that each and every one of us has. We ALL wonder. "What if I jump?" "What if I stick my finger in this outlet?" "What if I let go of the wheel?" That's all it was for me... a wondering. What's next? What's beyond this current state of bullshit? What would happen if I just... let go? And if I have to tell any one of you that it never would have happened, I'd have never let go, then you don't know me, and I'm not sure I want to know you.

I was in a... place. I was beyond frustrated. I couldn't figure out why life was constantly throwing the same situations at me over and over and over again. Why? over and over, the lessons were all the same. There are awful people in the world, they sling their particular brand of bullshit at you and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... over and over, as I've already said, ad nauseum. I thought the lesson was straight forward enough. Recognize the bullshit for what it is, and get the fuck away from it. FAST. That particular mission had been accomplished too many times to count, so why did it need to keep repeating? I mean, when you believe as I do, you believe that everything happens for a reason and that there's a lesson to be learned in every interaction we have, be it a new lesson or the solidification of a previously learned subject. Everything happens for a reason, and, considering that I accept this as absolute truth, I'm sure most can appreciate me wondering why the same eerie scenario kept presenting itself to me.

For a minute, I equated my life with a record that had been scratched, and it kept repeating the same portion of a song over and over. Maybe there was some cosmic glitch, and the needle of life was caught in a scratch on my soul. Usually, you have to bump the record player to set things right, so maybe I needed to bump something along in order to generate my paradigm shift. I knew that letting go of the wheel in order to get my record playing right would be cheating and that I was required to keep digging, to keep searching for the truth that is me. That's just how it works. I never wanted to die. I never wanted to not exist anymore. All I wanted was to bump myself on to the next song... get out of this constant repeat of a chorus that was growing old, or, let's face it, it had grown old ages ago. Now, it was only ridiculous. So, there ya go. No death wish, only the desire for something different, and I used figurative scenarios, like letting go of the wheel, to clarify my thought process.

Since I came to accept that the hard work of sorting through all of this is mine to do, and mine alone, I've been doing a whole lot of work in the cleansing of mental clutter. For the first time in ... well ... ever, I feel like I'm finally understanding; understanding in the purest form of understanding. It all made sense to me the day that I figured out why I wasn't crying over any of it. I'd gone straight to the brink of it. I'd felt the tears well up in my eyes, but then... it always stopped. They never fell, and the day I figured out why, my whole life changed. Again.

Those who are closest to me, who are privy to my innermost thoughts and get the juicy details of all my interactions and relationships will freely admit that it had gotten borderline comical how I always managed to find myself in the same situation. The same, but different, if that makes any sense. Yeah, if it weren't so fucked up, it would be hysterically funny.

To be continued... (and I promise you, I will follow through on this. It's too important not to.)

2:18

The wind outside sounds brutal. I hear it whistling around my window, just looking for a crack, an opening, so it can come inside and consume me. I guess keeping me awake isn't enough. When I wake up to a noise like that, it's hard to remember, through the vulnerability of sleepiness, that I'm safe and secure inside a building made of brick. Or... maybe I don't really believe that. Who knows? What I do know is that I want to be sleeping right now.

There's a kind of loneliness that being awake on a windy night evokes. I'm not sure I can even put my finger on it to describe it, but, I guess, to me, the wind sounds empty, which magnifies the literal and figurative emptiness around me. Usually, other things being around buffers the noise... breaks the wind, so to speak. (*giggle*) Yes... I'm so high up in this building that there is nothing around to break the force of the wind before it can slam into this building and whistle around the windows. Just as there is nothing buffering me from the sounds within myself that drive home the point, in the middle of the night, that I am all I have. Because it's all I need, which makes it a good thing.

See... this isn't a "poor me, I'm single" thing. I've felt this way in situations where I wasn't single. Other people can sleep through this kind of thing, so this is just a "me" thing. It's a lonely I embrace because it reminds me that "me" is the one thing I can count on. That's never a bad lesson to learn because people tend to rely too much on others to give them extraneous joy. This wind, it reminds me to look within to find my answers... Awake and alone, in the still of the night, the wind whips around me; it's a reminder to remove myself from "outside" and to place myself "within." Within is where I listen to the stillness that assures me, "I've got this", and "trust yourself."

I like how, at the beginning of this, I had the wind as my enemy. Now, I see it as my friend. How... appropriate, I suppose. So many changes lately... so many things have come along that, just a few weeks back, seemed completely horrible. Now... I see them as good things... The changes that were my enemies have become my friends. Now, whatever is to be will be. I give it over to the universe to put me where I need to be. I am whole, I am strong, I am happy, and I can handle whatever it is that is brought my way.

2:53... I need to try to sleep again.