Do I even like you?

A friend and I were talking just the other day about a guy she's kind of seeing.

"I like him," she told me. Then she listed these reasons why she liked him, and we both ended up realizing that the reasons, while good, can still turn out to be bad ones. What she ended up saying to me is something I've pondered more than once in my myriad dating... uh... "adventures."

"I wonder though... do I like him, or do I just like him because he likes me?"

See, the reasons given were all centered around how the things he does makes her feel good when she's around him. Like I said, those aren't necessarily bad reasons. I mean, why on earth would we put our energy into liking someone around whom we feel bad?

The thing is this... there needs to be more going on than how you feel when you're around the other person. I've always known, up front, that there will be trouble when someone tells me something like that. At some point or other, in ALL of my involvements, I throw the challenge down... "you like me? that's nice. Why do you like me?" If the first thing out of his mouth is "because you make me feel good when I'm around you." or anything like that, I know there are going to be problems. Why? Oh, please... allow me to 'splain.

See... I have a dynamic personality. I have the ability to relate to people, and I can get just about anyone to relate to me. I have the gift of empathy, humor, compassion, and... around me, you can be 100% you. Oh, and I'm good at ego stroking. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but there are very few people I simply can't get along with, and, whether or not a person realizes it, they usually feel better after having spent time with me. The thing is this... if this is the only thing you like about me, that you feel better or good about yourself after spending time with me, I will end up disappointing you.

When we rely on other people to generate our good feelings, it places a constant expectation on the other person. Take me, for example. When I was in a situation like this, there was this enormous pressure on me to always be completely awesome, and, folks, I'm just not. I have bad days. I get into moods. I'm not always going to be able to feed a needy ego. Period. Then what happens? You see that, just like everyone else on the planet, I'm a human being, I'm flawed, and now I've disappointed you. What's left between us when the only thing there to begin with was that I made you feel good? Nothing.

Like me because I'm smart. Like me because I'm funny. Like me because I'm a decent human being. Like my kindness. Like that I do quirky things. Like that I'm not afraid EVER to be 100% who I am. Like that I know how to behave no matter where I am. What you should absolutely not, EVER, do is look to me for your sense of self-gratification. I mean, of course it's good to like that you feel better after having spent time with someone special, but that shouldn't be the ONLY thing you appreciate about the person. If they are, eventually, they WILL disappoint you.

So, my friend and I decided that there are other things about this guy that she likes, and I'm happy for her. :-) I hope it goes well for her. Me?  I guess my point is this: I haven't always known what I was doing in the past, but I have learned, and, while I'm still a flawed individual, I know it isn't fair to base my interactions with others on "what's in it for me?"