The mess

I guess I've put the cart before the horse a bit here by talking about my highway musings first. I guess that was for effect, to catch attention, to... suck you in, so to speak. I guess maybe I should start with this: Prior to about a month ago, I've always had issues with trusting myself, my instincts. Never mind that, after the fact, on numerous occasions, I've always been right. Never mind that. I always figured this (whenever "this" happened to be) would be the time I was wrong. Yes, this would be the time I was wrong, and all the things that my gut screamed at me to get away from because they were horribly wrong would turn out just fine and dandy. How awful is that? To be right time and time again but to only know it after inflicting torment and pain upon yourself because you're convinced that you're wrong? Wow.

It was mid-January, and, as I recall it, I was driving to my then-boyfriend's place (not "home" as I previously thought. So, I lied. Sue me). Things had felt odd between us for a couple of weeks, at that time, and my gut knew what the problem was. The deepest part of me knew what was going on and what was coming, yet... Maybe I was wrong. See how easy that is? It's a trap, you know, and it was the worst kind of mind fuck, if you ask me, you know, the ones I've pulled on myself.

See... here's the deal... The truth of the matter is that I was re-living the number one worst relationship I'd ever been in, but I convinced myself that I was just projecting my issues about the past on to my present circumstances. It was completely eerie how my then-boyfriend would say or do these things, and they would be verbatim or identical to what Mr. Six Years Ago had said or done. It was completely creepy at times. and... WOW.

The six+ years ago drama is what taught me ALL that I needed to know about toxicity and destructive relationships that I'd need to know for the whole rest of my life. I was constantly on high alert for a line of bullshit, and I could see it coming from 12 miles away. The thing is? I was TIRED of being constantly on guard. I was TIRED of freaking out over every tiny little thing that reminded me of the worst point in my life. I was TIRED of blaming other people for what one person had done to me. The end result was that I gave this situation more of a chance than I should have.

See... I'd see and hear these things that would send me into an emotional tailspin... I swear to fuck, it was just like he had a fucking script from back then. Only... I tried to convince myself that it wasn't fair to hold the past against the present. Just because Person A said this and was lying doesn't mean that Person B is lying when HE says it... Bullshit. Well, I didn't know it then, but I do now, and that's what matters. What matters now is that it didn't take the better part of a decade for me to figure it out this time.

See how it was a double-edged sword though? Maybe even triple edged. Underneath it all, I knew what was going on. I knew that goddamn spade was a spade. There was, however, my foolish tendency to override my own common sense and there was the part of me who felt guilty for judging the new person for what the old person had done. Which way to go? which way to go?