Today, I Wrote

What is it that shoves us away from what makes us feel good?  Are we really that fucked up, as human beings, that we actually prefer feeling miserable over feeling awake, alert, and... dare I say... happy? I don't know how many times, over the last 43 years that I've started a good, positive thing in my life and have just dropped it a few weeks or months later.  It doesn't matter what it is... diet and exercise, a new hobby, or any other thing that causes a feeling of physical well-being, health, and pride in myself.  WHY???  Why would I EVER choose to abandon a behavior that gives me so many wonderful things?

This morning, I entertained the thought that I'm just lazy, but I'm not sure that's the answer to my question.  It's a vicious cycle, for me.  I fall into this hole, swim around in a sea of self-contempt, apathy, and misery until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  When I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I claw my way out of that hole long enough to walk over to the next hole.  Gravity takes over and then... you know the drill.  Every hole is a new and different circumstance that sucks me in.  Or... is it, really?  Maybe it's just a massive ocean with random islands that I climb upon and walk across only to fall back into the SAME sea of shit.  Hmmmm...  I think I've stumbled upon one of those epiphanies that writing always brings me.

I only want to think every hole is different, but, truly, it's the same hole I keep ending up in because the net result is the SAME feeling.  Wow.

I wonder if people truly are able to be helped, or if we're all just doomed to follow whatever vicious cycles we've established for ourselves?

"They" say that once you realize your issues and learn what gives you peace and joy, it gets better and easier to practice and do those things.  I'm not sure that's correct.  Then again, I've always had issues with what "they" say.  If it gets better and easier, then how do I end up back in a hole?  WHY is it a constant struggle to do what makes me feel good?

I guess I've gotten better about not giving my emotional crud to others.  I guess, at some point, the load got too much to bear, so I'd throw some at someone else like, "here, you take some of this."  This misery no longer likes company.  I don't want other people to be unhappy just because I am.

I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that I am, in fact, in a hole, which accelerates the whole "sick and tired" thing.

I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that each hole is a little more shallow than the last.  They aren't as much of a challenge to climb out of as the previous ones have been.  I guess I just wish that the islands between the holes would start getting a little wider.

I guess I see that, today, I've been pro-active and that, while I didn't go to the gym, I have engaged in one activity that usually helps me feel better.  Today, I wrote.  That has to count for something.

Twerking and Other Such Nonsense

Yes... I'll admit... since the big Miley Cyrus debacle, I've wandered around wondering WTF it means to "twerk".  Having heard that phrase one too many times tonight, I decided to let Google, once again, be my friend.  Now I know...  Too bad I can't say my mind is any more broadened by the acquisition of this knowledge.  To be honest, I'm a little let down.  I thought it was something far dirtier.

Not long ago, I was attempting to read a book called "The Potty Mouth at the Table."  The descriptive summary spoke of an author devoid of couth and manners and just let whatever she was thinking on any given topic fly right out of her mouth.  A few chapters in, I, once again, thought I needed to be writing a book so I could show this bitch how it's REALLY done.   Then again... I wonder if anyone could truly handle my brand of brashness.  Think before you answer.  I think MAYBE 2 or 3 people have ever seen me in action.

and it keeps coming back to that, doesn't it?  my incessant need/want/desire to write a book.

So why haven't I?  I don't know.  I keep getting caught up in life, I suppose.

Going between writing this blog and perusing my Facebook newsfeed, I see my friend, Sheryle, has posted a meme that has a quote from Dr. King:  "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

Define "matter".  Do we mean things that matter to us but don't necessarily matter to others, or are we talking about global issues, things that pertain to humanity?  I guess, to me, any way you slice the pie, that quote is very true.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I was meant to see that because seeing it was like a punch to my gut.  I have things that matter (to me) to discuss, and, if I leave them unspoken, then, yes, the ending of my life has begun.  WOW...  wasn't really counting on a heavy epiphany tonight, but we really shouldn't question these things when they're handed to us.  *sigh*