What is it that shoves us away from what makes us feel good? Are we really that fucked up, as human beings, that we actually prefer feeling miserable over feeling awake, alert, and... dare I say... happy? I don't know how many times, over the last 43 years that I've started a good, positive thing in my life and have just dropped it a few weeks or months later. It doesn't matter what it is... diet and exercise, a new hobby, or any other thing that causes a feeling of physical well-being, health, and pride in myself. WHY??? Why would I EVER choose to abandon a behavior that gives me so many wonderful things?
This morning, I entertained the thought that I'm just lazy, but I'm not sure that's the answer to my question. It's a vicious cycle, for me. I fall into this hole, swim around in a sea of self-contempt, apathy, and misery until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I claw my way out of that hole long enough to walk over to the next hole. Gravity takes over and then... you know the drill. Every hole is a new and different circumstance that sucks me in. Or... is it, really? Maybe it's just a massive ocean with random islands that I climb upon and walk across only to fall back into the SAME sea of shit. Hmmmm... I think I've stumbled upon one of those epiphanies that writing always brings me.
I only want to think every hole is different, but, truly, it's the same hole I keep ending up in because the net result is the SAME feeling. Wow.
I wonder if people truly are able to be helped, or if we're all just doomed to follow whatever vicious cycles we've established for ourselves?
"They" say that once you realize your issues and learn what gives you peace and joy, it gets better and easier to practice and do those things. I'm not sure that's correct. Then again, I've always had issues with what "they" say. If it gets better and easier, then how do I end up back in a hole? WHY is it a constant struggle to do what makes me feel good?
I guess I've gotten better about not giving my emotional crud to others. I guess, at some point, the load got too much to bear, so I'd throw some at someone else like, "here, you take some of this." This misery no longer likes company. I don't want other people to be unhappy just because I am.
I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that I am, in fact, in a hole, which accelerates the whole "sick and tired" thing.
I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that each hole is a little more shallow than the last. They aren't as much of a challenge to climb out of as the previous ones have been. I guess I just wish that the islands between the holes would start getting a little wider.
I guess I see that, today, I've been pro-active and that, while I didn't go to the gym, I have engaged in one activity that usually helps me feel better. Today, I wrote. That has to count for something.
Well, from an external point of view, I observe that you do not go as deep in the hole as you used to. You stop punishing yourself much sooner and start walking toward the exit MUCH sooner, choosing health. What if the hole is the self-punishing aspect? We all have fluctuating levels of activity and that's normal. How it makes you think about yourself is the kicker. The body needs variety, so if one expected to do the same exercise routine (or even the same 2 or 3 exercise routines) every single day (is actually detrimental. Now, one person might plan ahead and give themselves vacation days, and allow themselves the rest they need, and another will push and push and push and then collapse from exhaustion (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual or all 4) and then view themselves as failures for not doing the impossible. I have seen you be completely unforgiving of yourself and I have delightedly watched you become more accepting of realistic expectations of yourself. I am incredibly proud of you. You are entitled to be so too, if you choose it. ♥ ♥
ReplyDelete