Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Didn't I already answer this in various ways?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 28)
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Quite simply put... I'd jump off a bridge.
I have no business pro-creating at this stage in my life. The child I have is grown, I more or less fucked that adventure up, so do I deserve another shot at rearing a human being? I don't think so.
Part of me, though, just a small molecule-sized portion of me thought it might be fun to raise a little Witch.
Seriously, though? I'm done. I'm ready to enter a life where the focus is on me and whomever I end up with. If they have kids, that's fine, but I have no desire to create any more of them.
Quite simply put... I'd jump off a bridge.
I have no business pro-creating at this stage in my life. The child I have is grown, I more or less fucked that adventure up, so do I deserve another shot at rearing a human being? I don't think so.
Part of me, though, just a small molecule-sized portion of me thought it might be fun to raise a little Witch.
Seriously, though? I'm done. I'm ready to enter a life where the focus is on me and whomever I end up with. If they have kids, that's fine, but I have no desire to create any more of them.
Monday, September 26, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 26)
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes. I have considered it. Once. It was a little over 5 years ago. Basically, I'd had about all I thought I could handle.
Luckily, I was ignorant as to the effects of the pharmaceuticals I was ingesting. I didn't realize I'd be knocked out long before something detrimental could happen to me. I'd like to say I woke up with a renewed outlook on life, but that didn't happen. It was a long and hard road back, and an even more arduous journey to where I am now. I can honestly say that this is one thing I'm glad I failed at.
Yes. I have considered it. Once. It was a little over 5 years ago. Basically, I'd had about all I thought I could handle.
Luckily, I was ignorant as to the effects of the pharmaceuticals I was ingesting. I didn't realize I'd be knocked out long before something detrimental could happen to me. I'd like to say I woke up with a renewed outlook on life, but that didn't happen. It was a long and hard road back, and an even more arduous journey to where I am now. I can honestly say that this is one thing I'm glad I failed at.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 25)
Day 25 The reason you believe you're still alive today.
The simple answer is this: "because I'm supposed to be here."
Because I'm not finished yet. Because I haven't decided to try to leave again. Because there's something here for me I've yet to find. Because, when it mattered most, I had some kick ass doctors taking care of me. Because I've been very lucky. Because nobody has killed me yet. Because it simply isn't my time to go.
The simple answer is this: "because I'm supposed to be here."
Because I'm not finished yet. Because I haven't decided to try to leave again. Because there's something here for me I've yet to find. Because, when it mattered most, I had some kick ass doctors taking care of me. Because I've been very lucky. Because nobody has killed me yet. Because it simply isn't my time to go.
Friday, September 23, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 23)
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Hmmm... I'm kind of stuck on this one. I wish I had been more brave in some instances. In other instances, I wish I had left well enough alone. sometimes, I wish I had used the sense I know I have.
I think that's all I've got.
Hmmm... I'm kind of stuck on this one. I wish I had been more brave in some instances. In other instances, I wish I had left well enough alone. sometimes, I wish I had used the sense I know I have.
I think that's all I've got.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 22)
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
If I wish I hadn't done it, doesn't that mean I regret it? I don't think regret is a good thing to live with in life. No matter what someone does, is doing, or has done, there has been a lesson delivered by the universe, and that lesson should be appreciated. I guess there are some things I could stand to not have learned again and again and again, but... Ya know? Too bad. Most things I did were exactly what I wanted to be doing when I was doing them. I'm fortunate that way. How many people get to say they've always done what they wanted to do?
That's a lie. I've rarely done exactly what I "wanted" to do. Okay... here's what I regret. I regret allowing other people to tell me what I "wanted".
If I wish I hadn't done it, doesn't that mean I regret it? I don't think regret is a good thing to live with in life. No matter what someone does, is doing, or has done, there has been a lesson delivered by the universe, and that lesson should be appreciated. I guess there are some things I could stand to not have learned again and again and again, but... Ya know? Too bad. Most things I did were exactly what I wanted to be doing when I was doing them. I'm fortunate that way. How many people get to say they've always done what they wanted to do?
That's a lie. I've rarely done exactly what I "wanted" to do. Okay... here's what I regret. I regret allowing other people to tell me what I "wanted".
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 21)
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Duh... I haul ass to the hospital and sit at her side because she needs me. I'd do whatever I think she needs.
Duh... I haul ass to the hospital and sit at her side because she needs me. I'd do whatever I think she needs.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 20)
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I'm generally not a fan of anything that causes havoc and destruction in the lives of people and those close to them. That being said, if you can go out drinking and have a good time without becoming dependent on alcohol or killing someone because you were dumb enough to drive while shit-faced, more power to ya. I'm not going to lie... I drink on occasion myself. In fact, I used to be a very heavy drinker. My whole world changed one summer when I watched most of my friends get DUIs, and I made connections in my head and realized that a lot of them have genuine problems with substance abuse. I decided those were not going to be lessons I needed to learn the hard way, and I cut WAY back. I'm glad I was able. Sure, though, I'm still known to have a drink or two. I didn't go cold turkey.
As far as drugs go... I have little to no use for them. I don't understand why weed is illegal, but it isn't something I use anyhow. That could change... who knows? Other, more hard core things? I stay the hell away from that shit. I'm fond of pain meds... if I'm in pain. I'm fond of sleeping pills... if I need to sleep. I'm fond of anti-anxiety meds... if I'm feeling anxious.
I guess I don't feel the need to alter my mind in order to have a good time. Some do, and, hey... as long as you're not killing anyone else in the process or going home and beating your wife and children or making anyone who isn't YOU pay in any way, shape, or form, either literally or figuratively, for your habits, then do what you will.
I'm generally not a fan of anything that causes havoc and destruction in the lives of people and those close to them. That being said, if you can go out drinking and have a good time without becoming dependent on alcohol or killing someone because you were dumb enough to drive while shit-faced, more power to ya. I'm not going to lie... I drink on occasion myself. In fact, I used to be a very heavy drinker. My whole world changed one summer when I watched most of my friends get DUIs, and I made connections in my head and realized that a lot of them have genuine problems with substance abuse. I decided those were not going to be lessons I needed to learn the hard way, and I cut WAY back. I'm glad I was able. Sure, though, I'm still known to have a drink or two. I didn't go cold turkey.
As far as drugs go... I have little to no use for them. I don't understand why weed is illegal, but it isn't something I use anyhow. That could change... who knows? Other, more hard core things? I stay the hell away from that shit. I'm fond of pain meds... if I'm in pain. I'm fond of sleeping pills... if I need to sleep. I'm fond of anti-anxiety meds... if I'm feeling anxious.
I guess I don't feel the need to alter my mind in order to have a good time. Some do, and, hey... as long as you're not killing anyone else in the process or going home and beating your wife and children or making anyone who isn't YOU pay in any way, shape, or form, either literally or figuratively, for your habits, then do what you will.
Monday, September 19, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 19)
Day 19: What do you think of religion, or what do you think of politics?
WARNING: This is MY blog, and it is not my job to coddle you or your views of "God".
Getting the easy part out of the way, I don't think much about politics at all. I don't read the paper, I don't watch the news, and I try very hard to avoid all political debates and discussions. Why? Because it all pisses me off way too much, and I don't really need the added stress. There are a few key topics about which I am passionate and will occasionally speak out about, such as the reproductive rights of women. Well, maybe that's the only topic. haha. Why that even needs to be up for political debate is beyond me, but there it is, no?
Anyhow... on to the good stuff.
~I think organized religion is bullshit and was created by man in an endeavor to control men.
~I think personal religion is a fine thing as long as it keeps you in check and is what inspires you to try to be a better person.
~I go back and forth between believing God is a product of man and that man is a product of God. Forced to choose, I believe God is a product of man.
~Using the bible to try to sway me in any religious themed argument is tantamount to me attempting to sway you with Dr. Seuss.
~Mostly, I believe all paths lead to the same destination.
~I believe in reincarnation. I think our souls always present as human beings, and the notion that we come back as cows, frogs, or cockroaches is a notion I reject. I do not believe we attain an ultimate state of enlightenment where we just "stop" coming back. I believe our souls go on forever.
~Unless you're trying to convert me or trying to shove your views down my throat and are trying to tell me that I'm wrong and you're the only one who is right, I say, "to each his or her own."
~People who claim the US is a Christian nation that was founded on Christian principles piss me off. Most of the founding fathers were either Deists or atheists. It isn't my job to tell you what a Deist is. Google is your friend. I will, however, tell you that it has nothing to do with Jesus or Christianity.
~I think if Jesus were alive today, he would be appalled by the actions of about 99% of "his" "people".
~I think a lot of horrible things have been done in the name of religion, Christianity, Jesus, and Allah. Did you know that "Allah" is not the name of the god of Islam? "Allah" is simply the Arabic word for "God". They worship the same God as everyone else.
~My religion is very personal to me, and you will never catch me trying to convert someone or shove my views down their throat. If asked, I will share. Nothing more; nothing less.
I think I'm done for now.
WARNING: This is MY blog, and it is not my job to coddle you or your views of "God".
Getting the easy part out of the way, I don't think much about politics at all. I don't read the paper, I don't watch the news, and I try very hard to avoid all political debates and discussions. Why? Because it all pisses me off way too much, and I don't really need the added stress. There are a few key topics about which I am passionate and will occasionally speak out about, such as the reproductive rights of women. Well, maybe that's the only topic. haha. Why that even needs to be up for political debate is beyond me, but there it is, no?
Anyhow... on to the good stuff.
~I think organized religion is bullshit and was created by man in an endeavor to control men.
~I think personal religion is a fine thing as long as it keeps you in check and is what inspires you to try to be a better person.
~I go back and forth between believing God is a product of man and that man is a product of God. Forced to choose, I believe God is a product of man.
~Using the bible to try to sway me in any religious themed argument is tantamount to me attempting to sway you with Dr. Seuss.
~Mostly, I believe all paths lead to the same destination.
~I believe in reincarnation. I think our souls always present as human beings, and the notion that we come back as cows, frogs, or cockroaches is a notion I reject. I do not believe we attain an ultimate state of enlightenment where we just "stop" coming back. I believe our souls go on forever.
~Unless you're trying to convert me or trying to shove your views down my throat and are trying to tell me that I'm wrong and you're the only one who is right, I say, "to each his or her own."
~People who claim the US is a Christian nation that was founded on Christian principles piss me off. Most of the founding fathers were either Deists or atheists. It isn't my job to tell you what a Deist is. Google is your friend. I will, however, tell you that it has nothing to do with Jesus or Christianity.
~I think if Jesus were alive today, he would be appalled by the actions of about 99% of "his" "people".
~I think a lot of horrible things have been done in the name of religion, Christianity, Jesus, and Allah. Did you know that "Allah" is not the name of the god of Islam? "Allah" is simply the Arabic word for "God". They worship the same God as everyone else.
~My religion is very personal to me, and you will never catch me trying to convert someone or shove my views down their throat. If asked, I will share. Nothing more; nothing less.
I think I'm done for now.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 18)
Day 18: My views on gay marriage.
Usually, I like to say my official position on this topic is that I have no official position. To me, to imply that I do have an opinion either way makes it okay to have an opinion on it, and, to me, this should be a topic where no opinions are warranted. I mean, really? Whose business is it what goes on in the lives/hearts/homes of two people OTHER than the two people involved? Oh... no one's. Period.
If I have to come out and say something either way, I'm all for it. Love is love and no one has the right to decide what is right for anyone other than one's self. Period.
Usually, I like to say my official position on this topic is that I have no official position. To me, to imply that I do have an opinion either way makes it okay to have an opinion on it, and, to me, this should be a topic where no opinions are warranted. I mean, really? Whose business is it what goes on in the lives/hearts/homes of two people OTHER than the two people involved? Oh... no one's. Period.
If I have to come out and say something either way, I'm all for it. Love is love and no one has the right to decide what is right for anyone other than one's self. Period.
Friday, September 16, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 17)
Day 17: A book you've read that changed your view on something.
I'm going to have to say that book is called "Mockery of Justice" by Sam Reese Sheppard, son of Marilyn Sheppard and Dr. Sam Sheppard.
I was exposed to this book back in the mid 90s. At first, the Akron Beacon Journal was running a week long story about the decades old mystery surrounding the murder of Marilyn Sheppard in the family's Bay Village home. Dr. Sheppard was accused of the crime, he was tried, convicted, and spent several years in prison before the United States Supreme Court overturned his conviction. Dr. Sheppard's trial, according to the high Court, was inordinately biased by a rabid media who was hell bent on seeing an affluent Dr. pay for the murder of his wife.
Dr. Sheppard always insisted he was knocked unconscious by an intruder in the home and steadfastly maintained his innocence. You may recall, this story was the inspiration for both the television show and the movie, "The Fugitive", and the Supreme Court hearing that overturned Dr. Sheppard's conviction is the case that made F. Lee Bailey famous.
Any way you slice the pie, Dr. Sheppard was railroaded, unfairly convicted, and his trial was conducted in a, to quote a Supreme Court Justice, "circus-type atmosphere". Jury was not sequestered and were free to read sensationalized newspaper stories and anyone had access to talk to them. Worse yet, when Dr. Sheppard was arrested, all investigation into the murder of Marilyn Sheppard ceased.
Decades later, it was discovered, through DNA testing, that blood found at the crime scene, mixed with Mrs. Sheppard's blood did not belong to Marilyn or anyone else who lived in the Sheppard home. It was, in fact, a match to a man who had been employed as a window washer by the Sheppards. This man had also been caught previously attempting to burglarize the Sheppard home while he was supposed to be working there. There were leads leading right up to this man when the case was originally investigated that were ignored because everyone was convinced that Dr. Sheppard was the killer.
Why? Media bias. The biggest media source came from blue-collar Cleveland,OH, and it was a joy for them to see an affluent Dr. get persecuted publicly.
This story changed my view of the media. I used to believe something just because I saw it on the news or read it in the newspaper. This is no longer the case.
I'm going to have to say that book is called "Mockery of Justice" by Sam Reese Sheppard, son of Marilyn Sheppard and Dr. Sam Sheppard.
I was exposed to this book back in the mid 90s. At first, the Akron Beacon Journal was running a week long story about the decades old mystery surrounding the murder of Marilyn Sheppard in the family's Bay Village home. Dr. Sheppard was accused of the crime, he was tried, convicted, and spent several years in prison before the United States Supreme Court overturned his conviction. Dr. Sheppard's trial, according to the high Court, was inordinately biased by a rabid media who was hell bent on seeing an affluent Dr. pay for the murder of his wife.
Dr. Sheppard always insisted he was knocked unconscious by an intruder in the home and steadfastly maintained his innocence. You may recall, this story was the inspiration for both the television show and the movie, "The Fugitive", and the Supreme Court hearing that overturned Dr. Sheppard's conviction is the case that made F. Lee Bailey famous.
Any way you slice the pie, Dr. Sheppard was railroaded, unfairly convicted, and his trial was conducted in a, to quote a Supreme Court Justice, "circus-type atmosphere". Jury was not sequestered and were free to read sensationalized newspaper stories and anyone had access to talk to them. Worse yet, when Dr. Sheppard was arrested, all investigation into the murder of Marilyn Sheppard ceased.
Decades later, it was discovered, through DNA testing, that blood found at the crime scene, mixed with Mrs. Sheppard's blood did not belong to Marilyn or anyone else who lived in the Sheppard home. It was, in fact, a match to a man who had been employed as a window washer by the Sheppards. This man had also been caught previously attempting to burglarize the Sheppard home while he was supposed to be working there. There were leads leading right up to this man when the case was originally investigated that were ignored because everyone was convinced that Dr. Sheppard was the killer.
Why? Media bias. The biggest media source came from blue-collar Cleveland,OH, and it was a joy for them to see an affluent Dr. get persecuted publicly.
This story changed my view of the media. I used to believe something just because I saw it on the news or read it in the newspaper. This is no longer the case.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 16)
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I could definitely live without people who don't make an attempt to understand.
I could definitely live without people who generate drama just for shits and giggles.
I could definitely live without hatred and intolerance in the world.
I could definitely live without having to learn the hard way.
I could definitely live without feeling like I don't matter.
I could definitely live without buying more shoes I won't wear (but we all know that won't happen.)
I could definitely live without fake friends.
I could definitely live without the cat attacking my feet.
I could definitely live without the weather growing colder.
I could definitely live without the scare that I just had.
I could definitely live without having to give up something I liked.
I could definitely live without lima beans.
Anyhow... There ya go...
I could definitely live without people who don't make an attempt to understand.
I could definitely live without people who generate drama just for shits and giggles.
I could definitely live without hatred and intolerance in the world.
I could definitely live without having to learn the hard way.
I could definitely live without feeling like I don't matter.
I could definitely live without buying more shoes I won't wear (but we all know that won't happen.)
I could definitely live without fake friends.
I could definitely live without the cat attacking my feet.
I could definitely live without the weather growing colder.
I could definitely live without the scare that I just had.
I could definitely live without having to give up something I liked.
I could definitely live without lima beans.
Anyhow... There ya go...
30 Days of Truth (Day 15)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.
The completely honest answer is that there is no one/nothing I couldn't "live" without. Well, except for maybe oxygen and food. I think, though, that the topic wasn't particularly relating to no-brainers like this.
I know there are things I felt I couldn't live WITH before. I felt I couldn't live with another second of drama, but I learned that I could because things only get worse before they get better.
See, it's times like that when you learn to slow it down. Some people get through with the "one day at a time" philosophy, and that's a great outlook on life... Just take it as it comes, next thing you know, you've gotten through. Sometimes, though, one day is entirely too much. Sometimes folks need to slow it down to "one hour at a time" or even "one minute at a time."
I know, for me, yesterday, I was running on about "two hours at a time". I got through and have lived to see another day.
To sum it up... give no one or nothing the kind of power in your life that says you'll never be able to function with out it/him/her. I am living proof that anything can be gotten through. Ask around. some of my closest friends will tell you, so trust me when I say that all you desperately need is breathable air and an obstinate spirit. (yeah, that's me.)
The completely honest answer is that there is no one/nothing I couldn't "live" without. Well, except for maybe oxygen and food. I think, though, that the topic wasn't particularly relating to no-brainers like this.
I know there are things I felt I couldn't live WITH before. I felt I couldn't live with another second of drama, but I learned that I could because things only get worse before they get better.
See, it's times like that when you learn to slow it down. Some people get through with the "one day at a time" philosophy, and that's a great outlook on life... Just take it as it comes, next thing you know, you've gotten through. Sometimes, though, one day is entirely too much. Sometimes folks need to slow it down to "one hour at a time" or even "one minute at a time."
I know, for me, yesterday, I was running on about "two hours at a time". I got through and have lived to see another day.
To sum it up... give no one or nothing the kind of power in your life that says you'll never be able to function with out it/him/her. I am living proof that anything can be gotten through. Ask around. some of my closest friends will tell you, so trust me when I say that all you desperately need is breathable air and an obstinate spirit. (yeah, that's me.)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 14)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down.
I've got nothing...
Well... I guess there's me. For as far as I have come, I see that I'm still horribly flawed. I still get horribly disappointed in myself when I think or act in ways I don't like.
I've got nothing...
Well... I guess there's me. For as far as I have come, I see that I'm still horribly flawed. I still get horribly disappointed in myself when I think or act in ways I don't like.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 13)
Day 13: A band or artist who has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Dear Corey Taylor: I love you. I know, we haven't even met yet, but I do, and I just thought you should know it.
I've been a Stone Sour fan for a long ass time, and I've recently become a Slipknot fan. From the moment I first heard SS's first cd, I felt like I had found an answer I had been seeking. I looked long and hard for an artist I could relate to, and I found that in you. No one does raw emotion like you, Corey. No one.
At first, the way you handled anger appealed to me, but now, there is nothing you've sang, screamed, or said that I can't say, "yeah, I've felt that before. I wish I could have found those words to vent it." Thank you for all you've given me. Now, I leave you with some of my favorite lyrics...
XOXO
Dissy
"I'm not broken, I'm not plastic, I'm no whore, used against me use me again..."
"so if you love me, let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care, I can't destroy what isn't there..."
"does it make you feel alive I had to die to finally let you go?"
"why can't anybody see what's good for you is bad for me?"
"If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it..."
"Must have been a bitch, must have been a pain..."
"I only wish you weren't my friend, then I could hurt you in the end..."
"I cannot deny that you were designed for my punishment..."
"I'm just a secret now, I'm just a vague illusion, I'm a lie you tell yourself that you never truly did believe. I'm a whisper in the dark, I'm a victim and the killer. I am almost ready now, but you insist I don't exist..."
"tell me I should stick around for you, tell me I can have it all, I'm still too tired to care, and I've gotta go..."
"someone tell me why does any of it matter?"
"now I know I disappear. I can't find my way from out of here..."
"I'm not Jesus, I will not forgive..."
"free my severed heart..."
"I exist through my need to self-oblige"
"my love was punished long ago, if you still care, don't ever let me know."
"all I need to make it real is one more reason..."
"why give me hope, then give me up just to be the death of me?"
"don't pretend that you understand me. I don't even want you looking at me..."
"never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest. I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season..."
"do you want to know how many times I tore myself apart cause you're not here?"
"all my life, I've been holding back, consider this my last request..."
"this was something I couldn't have. That just made me want it more..."
and... to wrap it up...
"so break yourself against my stones, and spit your pity in my soul. You never needed any help. you sold me out to save yourself. And I won't listen to your shame. You ran away, you're all the same... "
Dear Corey Taylor: I love you. I know, we haven't even met yet, but I do, and I just thought you should know it.
I've been a Stone Sour fan for a long ass time, and I've recently become a Slipknot fan. From the moment I first heard SS's first cd, I felt like I had found an answer I had been seeking. I looked long and hard for an artist I could relate to, and I found that in you. No one does raw emotion like you, Corey. No one.
At first, the way you handled anger appealed to me, but now, there is nothing you've sang, screamed, or said that I can't say, "yeah, I've felt that before. I wish I could have found those words to vent it." Thank you for all you've given me. Now, I leave you with some of my favorite lyrics...
XOXO
Dissy
"I'm not broken, I'm not plastic, I'm no whore, used against me use me again..."
"so if you love me, let me go. Run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care, I can't destroy what isn't there..."
"does it make you feel alive I had to die to finally let you go?"
"why can't anybody see what's good for you is bad for me?"
"If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it..."
"Must have been a bitch, must have been a pain..."
"I only wish you weren't my friend, then I could hurt you in the end..."
"I cannot deny that you were designed for my punishment..."
"I'm just a secret now, I'm just a vague illusion, I'm a lie you tell yourself that you never truly did believe. I'm a whisper in the dark, I'm a victim and the killer. I am almost ready now, but you insist I don't exist..."
"tell me I should stick around for you, tell me I can have it all, I'm still too tired to care, and I've gotta go..."
"someone tell me why does any of it matter?"
"now I know I disappear. I can't find my way from out of here..."
"I'm not Jesus, I will not forgive..."
"free my severed heart..."
"I exist through my need to self-oblige"
"my love was punished long ago, if you still care, don't ever let me know."
"all I need to make it real is one more reason..."
"why give me hope, then give me up just to be the death of me?"
"don't pretend that you understand me. I don't even want you looking at me..."
"never had a voice to protest, so you fed me shit to digest. I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season..."
"do you want to know how many times I tore myself apart cause you're not here?"
"all my life, I've been holding back, consider this my last request..."
"this was something I couldn't have. That just made me want it more..."
and... to wrap it up...
"so break yourself against my stones, and spit your pity in my soul. You never needed any help. you sold me out to save yourself. And I won't listen to your shame. You ran away, you're all the same... "
Monday, September 12, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 12)
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
I think, at this point in my life, I've probably gotten compliments on just about everything that is compliment worthy at least once or twice.
I never get compliments on the fact that my feet don't stink? Is that a good answer?
Once, I had a guy ask me if I've ever had braces on my teeth. I said I had not. He said he's never come across a set of teeth as naturally straight as mine. I told him he never would either. haha.
I wish I got more compliments on my sense of humor. To me, it is in the top 3 things I like about myself. I can always find something to laugh about, no matter how "wrong" it is.
I never get compliments about my patience. Probably because I'm not very patient. Maybe I should work on that one.
Seriously though, while I appreciate those who DO notice, I don't think enough people comment on or appreciate just how much I've grown and changed these past 5 years. It kind of bothers me, not because I need the praise, but because people tend to respond to me as if I'm the same person. That, to me, is very condescending and demeaning. The current me does not need to hear the same words that the old me needed to hear, and, when people say them to me, it makes me feel like people aren't bothering to notice. And, it's one thing to not notice... Hey, that's fine, I mean, I guess this is what separates the friends from the acquaintances.
I think, at this point in my life, I've probably gotten compliments on just about everything that is compliment worthy at least once or twice.
I never get compliments on the fact that my feet don't stink? Is that a good answer?
Once, I had a guy ask me if I've ever had braces on my teeth. I said I had not. He said he's never come across a set of teeth as naturally straight as mine. I told him he never would either. haha.
I wish I got more compliments on my sense of humor. To me, it is in the top 3 things I like about myself. I can always find something to laugh about, no matter how "wrong" it is.
I never get compliments about my patience. Probably because I'm not very patient. Maybe I should work on that one.
Seriously though, while I appreciate those who DO notice, I don't think enough people comment on or appreciate just how much I've grown and changed these past 5 years. It kind of bothers me, not because I need the praise, but because people tend to respond to me as if I'm the same person. That, to me, is very condescending and demeaning. The current me does not need to hear the same words that the old me needed to hear, and, when people say them to me, it makes me feel like people aren't bothering to notice. And, it's one thing to not notice... Hey, that's fine, I mean, I guess this is what separates the friends from the acquaintances.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 11)
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you a lot on.
I remember, on a few occasions, my son has told me that I'm his hero. He said to me, "mom, you've been through so much shit, yet you stand strong. Nothing has beaten you."
I'm not sure if he knows I cry every time I hear that. I wonder if he knows there have been times when I feel like I've been beaten? Sure as shit, though, that kid is right. I find my way out, I shake off the shit, and I stand back up, strong and proud.
This was one compliment from my son, and it isn't what people compliment me most about, but it leads up to it.
See, I share my struggles with others. I write about them, and I share my writings with other people in the hopes that maybe someone else can identify with me, with my past, with my troubles. Maybe they will see that their own situation can be gotten through because, while my situation may not have been identical, I still went through some pretty hard-core shit, and I came through and ended up being better off. It is my joy in life to do that, to share in the hopes of helping.
This leads up to my most frequently given compliment.
"Christina, you inspire me."
That, my friends, means more to me than anything.
I remember, on a few occasions, my son has told me that I'm his hero. He said to me, "mom, you've been through so much shit, yet you stand strong. Nothing has beaten you."
I'm not sure if he knows I cry every time I hear that. I wonder if he knows there have been times when I feel like I've been beaten? Sure as shit, though, that kid is right. I find my way out, I shake off the shit, and I stand back up, strong and proud.
This was one compliment from my son, and it isn't what people compliment me most about, but it leads up to it.
See, I share my struggles with others. I write about them, and I share my writings with other people in the hopes that maybe someone else can identify with me, with my past, with my troubles. Maybe they will see that their own situation can be gotten through because, while my situation may not have been identical, I still went through some pretty hard-core shit, and I came through and ended up being better off. It is my joy in life to do that, to share in the hopes of helping.
This leads up to my most frequently given compliment.
"Christina, you inspire me."
That, my friends, means more to me than anything.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 10)
Day 10: Someone you need to let go or wish you didn't know.
Well, hopefully, these posts will deviate from the negativity here soon... In keeping with the spirit of total honesty, I will tell you this:
I have let go of all the people who need let go.
I really wish I didn't know and had never met my ex husband, but, without him, I wouldn't have my wonderful son, I wouldn't know or be close with his awesome mother, I wouldn't know his wonderful wife and daughters, and I may have developed into an adult I didn't like very much. I guess I should thank him, but I won't. He can suck it. Because, as much as I love all these people, I really and genuinely do not like him.
Well, hopefully, these posts will deviate from the negativity here soon... In keeping with the spirit of total honesty, I will tell you this:
I have let go of all the people who need let go.
I really wish I didn't know and had never met my ex husband, but, without him, I wouldn't have my wonderful son, I wouldn't know or be close with his awesome mother, I wouldn't know his wonderful wife and daughters, and I may have developed into an adult I didn't like very much. I guess I should thank him, but I won't. He can suck it. Because, as much as I love all these people, I really and genuinely do not like him.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 9)
Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
I can't think of anyone who has majorly mattered to me that has drifted away from me. I tend to keep those I love close to me. Sure, sometimes people get caught up in their own lives/worlds/drama etc... but that doesn't mean we're not close. It doesn't mean they're gone. People I genuinely love always find their way back to me or I to them.
I can't think of anyone who has majorly mattered to me that has drifted away from me. I tend to keep those I love close to me. Sure, sometimes people get caught up in their own lives/worlds/drama etc... but that doesn't mean we're not close. It doesn't mean they're gone. People I genuinely love always find their way back to me or I to them.
30 Days of Truth (Day 8)
Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or has treated you like shit.
Really? Do we need to focus on such negativity? I mean, I do have a list about a mile long of people I could name here.
Since I started this project, I've dished out a bunch of bad memories. You know, that kind of puts the vibe out there that I'm still dwelling on it all, and I'm really not. I've made amazing progress over the past 6 years or so, and I'm very proud of myself.
Have there been people who made my life hell or treated me like shit? Yes, there have been. The thing is? I don't want to conjure up more negative memories. What I can tell you is this: There are not currently any people in my life making it hell or treating me like shit. Isn't that what counts?
Before, I used to tolerate so much shit from people it wasn't funny. Now? I see it early on, and I bail. No one gets to make me feel less than EVER again, and isn't that what people who would treat you that way are all about? Making you feel less than they are? People only put you down to bring themselves up. That means they aren't so much to begin with.
So why would I give a person like that attention in this blog? Nooo... I already wish I hadn't given so many others attention they don't deserve in this project. BUT... I wanted to answer the questions openly and honestly. Ah well... I guess I'll do what I have to do, just like I always do. :-)
Really? Do we need to focus on such negativity? I mean, I do have a list about a mile long of people I could name here.
Since I started this project, I've dished out a bunch of bad memories. You know, that kind of puts the vibe out there that I'm still dwelling on it all, and I'm really not. I've made amazing progress over the past 6 years or so, and I'm very proud of myself.
Have there been people who made my life hell or treated me like shit? Yes, there have been. The thing is? I don't want to conjure up more negative memories. What I can tell you is this: There are not currently any people in my life making it hell or treating me like shit. Isn't that what counts?
Before, I used to tolerate so much shit from people it wasn't funny. Now? I see it early on, and I bail. No one gets to make me feel less than EVER again, and isn't that what people who would treat you that way are all about? Making you feel less than they are? People only put you down to bring themselves up. That means they aren't so much to begin with.
So why would I give a person like that attention in this blog? Nooo... I already wish I hadn't given so many others attention they don't deserve in this project. BUT... I wanted to answer the questions openly and honestly. Ah well... I guess I'll do what I have to do, just like I always do. :-)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 6)
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Quite honestly, I hope I never again have to decide the fate of another.
I remember when my sister died. She went into the hospital with a kidney infection. When they took her into surgery, she was alert, awake, and breathing on her own. When she came out, she was on a respirator and had a septic infection, you know, the horrid kind you get at the hospital. She was on the respirator for too long, and her lungs ruptured. The Dr. told us that, from that point on, it would be a series of emergencies that ultimately culminated in my sister's death. She wasn't coming back, and we had to decide what to do about the machinery that was sustaining her life. This is when my mom looked at me and said, "you decide."
It took me 5 minutes, but those were, by far, the most challenging 5 minutes ever. You have to decide if another person continues to exist? How does that happen? And how fucked up to put that off on another person??
Would the person in question WANT to be lying in a bed for the rest of eternity tethered to machines? I know I wouldn't want to, but what gives me the right to speak for another? Are they truly not coming back? Is all hope exhausted? Truly exhausted?
So... I decided to end it. I was satisfied by the physician's findings, and I realized she wasn't coming back. I asked the only question I could... Could we donate anything? Yes, folks, if you aren't ON RECORD as being staunchly opposed to organ donation, another person CAN decide that for you. Make sure you make the decent choice because, if I have anything to do with it, I will give anything useable to another person.
Still? It's a decision I hope to never have to make again. People shouldn't be forced by the cosmos to linger. They should either be, or they should not be. This, of course, should be painless and after all figurative accounts have been settled to the person's liking.
Quite honestly, I hope I never again have to decide the fate of another.
I remember when my sister died. She went into the hospital with a kidney infection. When they took her into surgery, she was alert, awake, and breathing on her own. When she came out, she was on a respirator and had a septic infection, you know, the horrid kind you get at the hospital. She was on the respirator for too long, and her lungs ruptured. The Dr. told us that, from that point on, it would be a series of emergencies that ultimately culminated in my sister's death. She wasn't coming back, and we had to decide what to do about the machinery that was sustaining her life. This is when my mom looked at me and said, "you decide."
It took me 5 minutes, but those were, by far, the most challenging 5 minutes ever. You have to decide if another person continues to exist? How does that happen? And how fucked up to put that off on another person??
Would the person in question WANT to be lying in a bed for the rest of eternity tethered to machines? I know I wouldn't want to, but what gives me the right to speak for another? Are they truly not coming back? Is all hope exhausted? Truly exhausted?
So... I decided to end it. I was satisfied by the physician's findings, and I realized she wasn't coming back. I asked the only question I could... Could we donate anything? Yes, folks, if you aren't ON RECORD as being staunchly opposed to organ donation, another person CAN decide that for you. Make sure you make the decent choice because, if I have anything to do with it, I will give anything useable to another person.
Still? It's a decision I hope to never have to make again. People shouldn't be forced by the cosmos to linger. They should either be, or they should not be. This, of course, should be painless and after all figurative accounts have been settled to the person's liking.
Monday, September 5, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 5)
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your future...
I hope to arrive home safely from St. Louis today.
I hope to get back on track regarding my diet.
I hope to fully explore my feelings regarding certain people and situations.
I hope to be enough.
I hope to discover continually.
I hope to live my life in wonder. Always.
I hope to continue living happily ever after.
I hope to experience the kind of romantic joy I've always dreamed of.
I hope to get on track spiritually.
I hope to continue being a seeker of knowledge/wisdom.
I hope to educate others.
I hope to make a difference in my world.
I hope to feel a warm human touch very soon.
I hope ...
Hope is an interesting concept. In life, one must learn to properly hope. It's never ridiculous or a waste of energy to expend your hope. What is ridiculous or a waste of energy is to put all of your expectations into your hope, to not be okay if your hopes do not pan out.
I have a situation in my life that I need to address. I hope it goes the way I want it to, but there's a HUGE chance that it won't. While I hope for the best, while I know it will sting harshly if it doesn't, I know I will be okay if it doesn't. I will still be me, I will still have contentment, happiness, and joy in my life, the earth will still turn, the stars will shine, and because I risked it... because I was brave and went for it, my hope was not in vain.
I hope to arrive home safely from St. Louis today.
I hope to get back on track regarding my diet.
I hope to fully explore my feelings regarding certain people and situations.
I hope to be enough.
I hope to discover continually.
I hope to live my life in wonder. Always.
I hope to continue living happily ever after.
I hope to experience the kind of romantic joy I've always dreamed of.
I hope to get on track spiritually.
I hope to continue being a seeker of knowledge/wisdom.
I hope to educate others.
I hope to make a difference in my world.
I hope to feel a warm human touch very soon.
I hope ...
Hope is an interesting concept. In life, one must learn to properly hope. It's never ridiculous or a waste of energy to expend your hope. What is ridiculous or a waste of energy is to put all of your expectations into your hope, to not be okay if your hopes do not pan out.
I have a situation in my life that I need to address. I hope it goes the way I want it to, but there's a HUGE chance that it won't. While I hope for the best, while I know it will sting harshly if it doesn't, I know I will be okay if it doesn't. I will still be me, I will still have contentment, happiness, and joy in my life, the earth will still turn, the stars will shine, and because I risked it... because I was brave and went for it, my hope was not in vain.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 3)
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
And again, here's another topic I feel I've already taken care of, so to speak. Well, maybe not entirely. I guess I hold on to enough self-resentment to make sure the infraction I'm about to discuss NEVER happens again, but, then again, life offers no guarantees, I suppose. I know I'll try harder, and that counts for a lot. Piss on anyone who says any differently.
Honestly? I've done some pretty messed up things that ultimately ended up damaging me pretty badly, but I'd have to say the number one worst thing... the one for which I had the hardest time forgiving myself is lying to myself.
The worst part is, when you pick apart the situation, I don't even know why I did it. All I can really come up with is ego and the intense desire to not be wrong. I guess I genuinely believed it was in the name of love, but I'm not even sure if it was. That is, however, coming from the perspective several years of "getting over it" has given me.
See... I was in this... "situation". It makes me cringe to refer to it as a "relationship" because it didn't really fit my ideal description of what a relationship should be. But... we'll stick with what it was for the time... I was in this relationship, or, as Dane Cook would refer to it, a "relationshit". BLAH... it's hard to break down and talk about it. It's like going through boxes that have been neatly put away in the attic. Ya know?
Literally and figuratively speaking, I gave up a lot for the sake of this relationshit. I gave up a lot of myself, who I was, I diminished the way others saw me, and I caused a lot of estrangement between myself and folks who genuinely loved me.
I let myself believe that genuine love was equated with the intense drama this person brought into my life. That's how it is on the soaps, right? Everything is so super complicated and there's all these convoluted story lines and people make mistakes and blah blah blah blah. The long and the short of it is that I wasted my 30s on an emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, lying, cheating, manipulative, sociopathic idiot. In order to be okay with being so hurt, used, taken advantage of, and abused, I rationalized it... he's just a victim of abuse himself, he doesn't know any other way, he really loves me... he's just not able to show it, yadda yadda yadda... What it all boils down to is this... None of this was on me, OTHER than the fact that I lied to myself.
It was his job to fix himself, to overcome his past and make the choice to either let his circumstances rule him and live in misery or to rise above and choose a happy life for himself, his children, and his significant other. He chose to wallow in misery and lash out at anyone who tried to give him genuine love. My fault is in refusing to see it for what it was, and when the truth was right in my face, I wanted to pretend it was something it wasn't.
"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck..."
Yeah, I wanted to pretend it was a swan in a duck suit.
I guess, if I acknowledged reality, it would have meant, in my warped mind, that there was something wrong with me that I attracted this to myself. I know better now. I went in knowing full well what would probably happen, yet I went forth with an open mind. Being kind, genuine, and open is not a crime. It isn't my fault. I just have to be more willing to accept the truth when it's handed to me.
Generally speaking, I forgive myself for allowing all this to happen, and I did learn a lot from it, so I guess it was necessary in the grand scheme of things. I do hold a small amount of resentment about it, though, just to remind myself that these things do happen, and that I shouldn't allow such drama into my life.
And again, here's another topic I feel I've already taken care of, so to speak. Well, maybe not entirely. I guess I hold on to enough self-resentment to make sure the infraction I'm about to discuss NEVER happens again, but, then again, life offers no guarantees, I suppose. I know I'll try harder, and that counts for a lot. Piss on anyone who says any differently.
Honestly? I've done some pretty messed up things that ultimately ended up damaging me pretty badly, but I'd have to say the number one worst thing... the one for which I had the hardest time forgiving myself is lying to myself.
The worst part is, when you pick apart the situation, I don't even know why I did it. All I can really come up with is ego and the intense desire to not be wrong. I guess I genuinely believed it was in the name of love, but I'm not even sure if it was. That is, however, coming from the perspective several years of "getting over it" has given me.
See... I was in this... "situation". It makes me cringe to refer to it as a "relationship" because it didn't really fit my ideal description of what a relationship should be. But... we'll stick with what it was for the time... I was in this relationship, or, as Dane Cook would refer to it, a "relationshit". BLAH... it's hard to break down and talk about it. It's like going through boxes that have been neatly put away in the attic. Ya know?
Literally and figuratively speaking, I gave up a lot for the sake of this relationshit. I gave up a lot of myself, who I was, I diminished the way others saw me, and I caused a lot of estrangement between myself and folks who genuinely loved me.
I let myself believe that genuine love was equated with the intense drama this person brought into my life. That's how it is on the soaps, right? Everything is so super complicated and there's all these convoluted story lines and people make mistakes and blah blah blah blah. The long and the short of it is that I wasted my 30s on an emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, lying, cheating, manipulative, sociopathic idiot. In order to be okay with being so hurt, used, taken advantage of, and abused, I rationalized it... he's just a victim of abuse himself, he doesn't know any other way, he really loves me... he's just not able to show it, yadda yadda yadda... What it all boils down to is this... None of this was on me, OTHER than the fact that I lied to myself.
It was his job to fix himself, to overcome his past and make the choice to either let his circumstances rule him and live in misery or to rise above and choose a happy life for himself, his children, and his significant other. He chose to wallow in misery and lash out at anyone who tried to give him genuine love. My fault is in refusing to see it for what it was, and when the truth was right in my face, I wanted to pretend it was something it wasn't.
"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck..."
Yeah, I wanted to pretend it was a swan in a duck suit.
I guess, if I acknowledged reality, it would have meant, in my warped mind, that there was something wrong with me that I attracted this to myself. I know better now. I went in knowing full well what would probably happen, yet I went forth with an open mind. Being kind, genuine, and open is not a crime. It isn't my fault. I just have to be more willing to accept the truth when it's handed to me.
Generally speaking, I forgive myself for allowing all this to happen, and I did learn a lot from it, so I guess it was necessary in the grand scheme of things. I do hold a small amount of resentment about it, though, just to remind myself that these things do happen, and that I shouldn't allow such drama into my life.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 2)
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Since I'll be working/traveling all day tomorrow, I'm going to get ahead a bit.
Hmmmm... So, we're going to go from hate to love? Well... here goes.
I love that I'm kind, decent, and loyal. Typically, I'd rather show you these things than tell them to you because anyone can give lip service like this. But, really... who actually backs it up? Anyhow... If you need something, and I'm able to give it, you can count on it. I will always try to be fair, non-judgmental, and will try my hardest to see your point of view, even if I don't agree. As far as loyalty goes, I feel this is the thing I love most about myself. If you're my friend, you're my friend, bottom line. If someone hurts you, they hurt me. I have your back, no matter what. I'm not one of those people who refuse to take sides. Unless the other offending party is also a good friend of mine, ya know? I will never say, "well, such-and-such never did anything to me, so I won't dislike him/her". Nope... if they harm you, they've harmed me.
That's me, and I love my loyalty.
Since I'll be working/traveling all day tomorrow, I'm going to get ahead a bit.
Hmmmm... So, we're going to go from hate to love? Well... here goes.
I love that I'm kind, decent, and loyal. Typically, I'd rather show you these things than tell them to you because anyone can give lip service like this. But, really... who actually backs it up? Anyhow... If you need something, and I'm able to give it, you can count on it. I will always try to be fair, non-judgmental, and will try my hardest to see your point of view, even if I don't agree. As far as loyalty goes, I feel this is the thing I love most about myself. If you're my friend, you're my friend, bottom line. If someone hurts you, they hurt me. I have your back, no matter what. I'm not one of those people who refuse to take sides. Unless the other offending party is also a good friend of mine, ya know? I will never say, "well, such-and-such never did anything to me, so I won't dislike him/her". Nope... if they harm you, they've harmed me.
That's me, and I love my loyalty.
30 Days of Truth (Day 1)
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself:
Well... I've come to a place in life where I've tried, and have mostly succeeded, to put the self-loathing bullshit out of my life. For the most part, I like me, who I am, and who I have become. I've grown more in the past 5 years than I have in the 36 years I'd lived prior. Now, I take the good with the bad and accept it as the totality of who I am. Most days, I'm able to look at myself and call it good. Yes... that's what's become important to me. Not "do YOU like me?", but "Do I like me?" Because, guess what? I will be a harsher critic than you or Jehova will ever dream of being.
Still and all... Sometimes the thoughts creep in. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?
I guess I hate that I will entertain the thoughts when I'm feeling hormonal. I hate that I allow loneliness to overcome me and make me feel less than. I hate that I over-analyze things certain people say. I hate that I struggle with needing to know what tomorrow will hold, that, sometimes, I just can't focus on right now. I hate that I question myself. I made a choice. What if I made the wrong choice? What's going to happen if I chose wrong? What if I fucked up yet again? It's all fucking kinds of complicated in my head, but it boils down to ... what if I'm wrong? I mean, I guess I'll deal with it, pick up, and move on with my day, but, yeah, it's going to suck. Can I deal with another moment of suckiness after all the suckiness I've encountered thusfar? Now? Just when I'm actually happy with me, who I am, and with my life?
See? I question myself. I just want to have faith in my ability to do what's right for me. I chose, now can't I just enjoy the moment?
I hate that I do this to myself.
Well... I've come to a place in life where I've tried, and have mostly succeeded, to put the self-loathing bullshit out of my life. For the most part, I like me, who I am, and who I have become. I've grown more in the past 5 years than I have in the 36 years I'd lived prior. Now, I take the good with the bad and accept it as the totality of who I am. Most days, I'm able to look at myself and call it good. Yes... that's what's become important to me. Not "do YOU like me?", but "Do I like me?" Because, guess what? I will be a harsher critic than you or Jehova will ever dream of being.
Still and all... Sometimes the thoughts creep in. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?
I guess I hate that I will entertain the thoughts when I'm feeling hormonal. I hate that I allow loneliness to overcome me and make me feel less than. I hate that I over-analyze things certain people say. I hate that I struggle with needing to know what tomorrow will hold, that, sometimes, I just can't focus on right now. I hate that I question myself. I made a choice. What if I made the wrong choice? What's going to happen if I chose wrong? What if I fucked up yet again? It's all fucking kinds of complicated in my head, but it boils down to ... what if I'm wrong? I mean, I guess I'll deal with it, pick up, and move on with my day, but, yeah, it's going to suck. Can I deal with another moment of suckiness after all the suckiness I've encountered thusfar? Now? Just when I'm actually happy with me, who I am, and with my life?
See? I question myself. I just want to have faith in my ability to do what's right for me. I chose, now can't I just enjoy the moment?
I hate that I do this to myself.
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