30 Days of Truth (Day 1)

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself:

Well... I've come to a place in life where I've tried, and have mostly succeeded, to put the self-loathing bullshit out of my life. For the most part, I like me, who I am, and who I have become. I've grown more in the past 5 years than I have in the 36 years I'd lived prior. Now, I take the good with the bad and accept it as the totality of who I am. Most days, I'm able to look at myself and call it good. Yes... that's what's become important to me. Not "do YOU like me?", but "Do I like me?" Because, guess what? I will be a harsher critic than you or Jehova will ever dream of being.

Still and all... Sometimes the thoughts creep in. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?

I guess I hate that I will entertain the thoughts when I'm feeling hormonal. I hate that I allow loneliness to overcome me and make me feel less than. I hate that I over-analyze things certain people say. I hate that I struggle with needing to know what tomorrow will hold, that, sometimes, I just can't focus on right now. I hate that I question myself. I made a choice. What if I made the wrong choice? What's going to happen if I chose wrong? What if I fucked up yet again? It's all fucking kinds of complicated in my head, but it boils down to ... what if I'm wrong? I mean, I guess I'll deal with it, pick up, and move on with my day, but, yeah, it's going to suck. Can I deal with another moment of suckiness after all the suckiness I've encountered thusfar? Now? Just when I'm actually happy with me, who I am, and with my life?

See? I question myself. I just want to have faith in my ability to do what's right for me. I chose, now can't I just enjoy the moment?

I hate that I do this to myself.