Today, I hate myself for what I have allowed myself to become. Please spare me the, "oh, you're beautiful," for they would be wasted words I simply would not hear or believe. To me, I am about as far from beautiful as Akron is from China.
A friend told me the other day about self-loathing. We got off on another tangent of conversation, but I wanted to go back and tell her that I knew what she meant. Then again, maybe I was right not to. It's hard to know what's right and what isn't. Anyhow, I hate me again, and it's time to do something about it. I did it before, and I know I can do it again.
I wonder how much better I can get in the 314 days remaining until I very well could... well... let's save that fear for another time. 317 days until my next birthday. I wonder what I can do before then.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Some kind of something
I've been wanting to sit down and just write for so long. It seems, however, that I have this huge block inside of my head that won't allow my thoughts to just flow. I can't seem to identify the source of the block, and, when I sit down to try, I just get frustrated and stop. This has caused me to not even bother trying. Is that good? No. Is that acceptable to me? Not anymore. Problem is that I've not dealt with a lot of issues in my life in what I deem to be an adequate fashion. I've swept a lot of things under the rug because I hate conflict and drama. Too often, I let things get to the point of no return, and then I simply just walk away.
Today, I'm compelled to talk about things people have done. I think, by far, this year, the most hurtful word used to describe me is selfish. What? Really? selfish? That one word said by that one person has done more damage and stands out far more than the other dozens of people in my life who knows that I am FAR from selfish. I stopped to think, though, have I acted selfishly toward this person? I guess maybe certain behaviors, while not intended to be selfish, could be construed that way. See... that's what I do, I look within and try to see if there's a point to what someone is telling me because I don't think anyone would say shit like that to me for no reason. So... I've come to the conclusion that, sure, I may have acted selfishly. Now comes the time for me to ask myself why. Why have I acted that way toward someone I considered a good friend?
See... With me, you get what you give. I'm sure one would agree that I never begin my relationships, any of them, in a selfish fashion, and if I suddenly become that way, then there's a reason for it. If I'm acting like a bitch, it's because I've been treated bitchily (is that even a word? haha). If I'm acting like I don't care, it's because that's the treatment I've received. If I'm treating you selfishly, it's because you've treated me selfishly.
This realization has caused me to take pause and think. Why do I let these relationships get so far that I'm perpetuating negative behavior? I question myself too much. I try to understand my friends, at first. "Wow... did she/he really just treat me selfishly, or am I just imagining it. Maybe that's not really what it is..." or I give them the benefit of the doubt, "well, they're not usually like this, so I'll let it slide." or "they're just going to deny it because they think they can do no wrong, so why bother saying anything, and there are more important things about this person that makes him/her a good friend, so I'll just disregard it..." and the shit builds up and builds up and builds up, and I begin reacting.
Point is... if you're experiencing a negative behavior from ME, it's because I've received it from YOU. I know this to be true for two reasons: First: I'm able to look honestly at myself and see me for who I am. Just because you aren't doesn't take away from the validity of my point. Second: There are MORE than a lot of people who don't see me that way at all, so why just you?
Why do I let it get that far? Because I try to accept my friends for who they are. I try my hardest to not judge them. Because I know that one character flaw or even two or three does not make him/her a horrible person. Even seeing those things as I do, I have NEVER withheld my friendship from anyone. My flaw? I should talk to people more. "you've just been an asshole to me, and I don't appreciate it. I'm doing this so that, in the long run, I don't start treating you like you're treating me." But, then again... Very few people will actually man-up or... woman-up and admit they've been a jerk. I guess this is what puts me ahead of the game. I will look within, I will see and acknowledge how I've just caused someone to feel bad.
I'm done with this rant, and I'm done with feeling this way. Time to get on with the day. This has been on my mind for about 3-4 months now. I'm glad I've dumped it out. Today, it feels better, and that's what matters.
Today, I'm compelled to talk about things people have done. I think, by far, this year, the most hurtful word used to describe me is selfish. What? Really? selfish? That one word said by that one person has done more damage and stands out far more than the other dozens of people in my life who knows that I am FAR from selfish. I stopped to think, though, have I acted selfishly toward this person? I guess maybe certain behaviors, while not intended to be selfish, could be construed that way. See... that's what I do, I look within and try to see if there's a point to what someone is telling me because I don't think anyone would say shit like that to me for no reason. So... I've come to the conclusion that, sure, I may have acted selfishly. Now comes the time for me to ask myself why. Why have I acted that way toward someone I considered a good friend?
See... With me, you get what you give. I'm sure one would agree that I never begin my relationships, any of them, in a selfish fashion, and if I suddenly become that way, then there's a reason for it. If I'm acting like a bitch, it's because I've been treated bitchily (is that even a word? haha). If I'm acting like I don't care, it's because that's the treatment I've received. If I'm treating you selfishly, it's because you've treated me selfishly.
This realization has caused me to take pause and think. Why do I let these relationships get so far that I'm perpetuating negative behavior? I question myself too much. I try to understand my friends, at first. "Wow... did she/he really just treat me selfishly, or am I just imagining it. Maybe that's not really what it is..." or I give them the benefit of the doubt, "well, they're not usually like this, so I'll let it slide." or "they're just going to deny it because they think they can do no wrong, so why bother saying anything, and there are more important things about this person that makes him/her a good friend, so I'll just disregard it..." and the shit builds up and builds up and builds up, and I begin reacting.
Point is... if you're experiencing a negative behavior from ME, it's because I've received it from YOU. I know this to be true for two reasons: First: I'm able to look honestly at myself and see me for who I am. Just because you aren't doesn't take away from the validity of my point. Second: There are MORE than a lot of people who don't see me that way at all, so why just you?
Why do I let it get that far? Because I try to accept my friends for who they are. I try my hardest to not judge them. Because I know that one character flaw or even two or three does not make him/her a horrible person. Even seeing those things as I do, I have NEVER withheld my friendship from anyone. My flaw? I should talk to people more. "you've just been an asshole to me, and I don't appreciate it. I'm doing this so that, in the long run, I don't start treating you like you're treating me." But, then again... Very few people will actually man-up or... woman-up and admit they've been a jerk. I guess this is what puts me ahead of the game. I will look within, I will see and acknowledge how I've just caused someone to feel bad.
I'm done with this rant, and I'm done with feeling this way. Time to get on with the day. This has been on my mind for about 3-4 months now. I'm glad I've dumped it out. Today, it feels better, and that's what matters.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Change
I posed the question on Facebook, "why am I afraid to change?" and everyone took off with the assumption that I'm afraid OF change, which, to me, is different. If you're the type of person who can't see that there's a difference here, then you should probably stop reading my blog now. It may seem a game of semantics, but it's really not when you take the time to get to know me and the issues I face on a constant basis.
I know change is necessary. I know it happens with or without my approval/permission. I know it is the one constant. I know all of that.
I have come to the realization that I NEED some changes in my life. I know that it won't be easy. I know that I have to just do it. Yet, I haven't. I'm afraid to, and I am wondering why? I already know about the comfort of sticking with what's familiar and all that other horse shit. Someone tell me something substantial, or just... have my back and say, "yeah, I can relate." I'm frustrated, but I suppose that's what I get for posting my innermost feelings on a social networking website. This blog, to me, is different because of the limited exposure. If you can or will read this, I at least give somewhat of a shit what you think.
I know me... I'll take the leap. I will end up where I need to be. I'm not stagnating. I'm not. I won't. I can't. It's not my way. I'm a tough broad. I've got this.
I know change is necessary. I know it happens with or without my approval/permission. I know it is the one constant. I know all of that.
I have come to the realization that I NEED some changes in my life. I know that it won't be easy. I know that I have to just do it. Yet, I haven't. I'm afraid to, and I am wondering why? I already know about the comfort of sticking with what's familiar and all that other horse shit. Someone tell me something substantial, or just... have my back and say, "yeah, I can relate." I'm frustrated, but I suppose that's what I get for posting my innermost feelings on a social networking website. This blog, to me, is different because of the limited exposure. If you can or will read this, I at least give somewhat of a shit what you think.
I know me... I'll take the leap. I will end up where I need to be. I'm not stagnating. I'm not. I won't. I can't. It's not my way. I'm a tough broad. I've got this.
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