Alone

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you FEEL all alone." ~Robin Williams' character in World's Greatest Dad

Right there is a quote I found on Facebook and posted as my status not even 2 minutes ago. It's quite inspirational, really because, how true is it? How many of us have wound up in the clutches of someone who is supposed to be our mate, our partner, the one who is supposed to help make the loneliness go away? I know I have. More times than not. In fact, I've never been with someone who doesn't leave me feeling more alone than when I have no one. That is a reality I've just now realized and one I'm, quite honestly, ashamed of. Yes, Christina, time to start making better choices.

I remember, so vividly, sitting in a room with someone who didn't want to converse with me, didn't want to spend time with me, didn't want to laugh with me, didn't want to share anything resembling the things most happy couples want to share and do together. Really? What the fuck? Why did I need that in my life? Someone to fill a spot just to be able to say, "I have someone, I'm not a pathetic single person.. I'm not alone..." Hey, guess what? yes the fuck I WAS. Being with someone who repeatedly disappoints, belittles, demeans, and degrades you with his or her "nothing" attitude creates a void bigger and more desolate than the loneliness that only happens occasionally when there's no one who should be with you, talking, laughing, sharing, and spending time.

So, I ask, what is the point in putting up with bullshit, nonsense, drama, and nothingness just so you aren't alone when, for all intents and purposes, you ARE? I guess that, if I knew the answer to this question, it never would have happened to me. I'd like to say that I know for a fact that it won't ever happen again, but I can't. I do know, however, that I will try my hardest to make sure it doesn't, and I KNOW that when it starts to feel that way, there's a problem, and, if that problem doesn't get fixed, I'm gone... Life is too short to waste it with someone who gives no regard to someone who is supposed to matter. The difference is that I love me now. I haven't always, and I deeply regret that. The only thing I can do about that is move on and make a better now for myself. A better now will lead to a better tomorrow.