Starting over

Warning: The person writing this blog realizes she's about to say some very off the wall things, and she'd like to take a moment to assure everyone that she does not have a death wish. In fact, I assure you, she's (even though she's taken to referring to herself in the third person) a rather sane and reasonable person. Sharing this is a part of her journey, so don't make our heroine regret it. I wonder, though, if anyone reading this has the balls to be as honest as she's about to be?

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I remember driving down the expressway one night, on my way home from work, and, for a split second, it crossed my mind to just let go of the wheel and move on. Does anyone else ever have that thought? To just move on? Not to die, but to move on to the next journey? Anyone? I suppose it was more of a desire to be anywhere but here. Here had grown bad... old... and it wasn't exactly within my means to walk away from everything I know. I want to feel bad or wrong for saying this, but I know I'm not. We have all, at one time or another, stood on an edge, either literally or figuratively, and wondered what would happen if we jumped, even if it was for a split second or even a fraction of a second. That urge, it's human nature. Google it if you don't believe me. It's a mild form of OCD that each and every one of us has. We ALL wonder. "What if I jump?" "What if I stick my finger in this outlet?" "What if I let go of the wheel?" That's all it was for me... a wondering. What's next? What's beyond this current state of bullshit? What would happen if I just... let go? And if I have to tell any one of you that it never would have happened, I'd have never let go, then you don't know me, and I'm not sure I want to know you.

I was in a... place. I was beyond frustrated. I couldn't figure out why life was constantly throwing the same situations at me over and over and over again. Why? over and over, the lessons were all the same. There are awful people in the world, they sling their particular brand of bullshit at you and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... over and over, as I've already said, ad nauseum. I thought the lesson was straight forward enough. Recognize the bullshit for what it is, and get the fuck away from it. FAST. That particular mission had been accomplished too many times to count, so why did it need to keep repeating? I mean, when you believe as I do, you believe that everything happens for a reason and that there's a lesson to be learned in every interaction we have, be it a new lesson or the solidification of a previously learned subject. Everything happens for a reason, and, considering that I accept this as absolute truth, I'm sure most can appreciate me wondering why the same eerie scenario kept presenting itself to me.

For a minute, I equated my life with a record that had been scratched, and it kept repeating the same portion of a song over and over. Maybe there was some cosmic glitch, and the needle of life was caught in a scratch on my soul. Usually, you have to bump the record player to set things right, so maybe I needed to bump something along in order to generate my paradigm shift. I knew that letting go of the wheel in order to get my record playing right would be cheating and that I was required to keep digging, to keep searching for the truth that is me. That's just how it works. I never wanted to die. I never wanted to not exist anymore. All I wanted was to bump myself on to the next song... get out of this constant repeat of a chorus that was growing old, or, let's face it, it had grown old ages ago. Now, it was only ridiculous. So, there ya go. No death wish, only the desire for something different, and I used figurative scenarios, like letting go of the wheel, to clarify my thought process.

Since I came to accept that the hard work of sorting through all of this is mine to do, and mine alone, I've been doing a whole lot of work in the cleansing of mental clutter. For the first time in ... well ... ever, I feel like I'm finally understanding; understanding in the purest form of understanding. It all made sense to me the day that I figured out why I wasn't crying over any of it. I'd gone straight to the brink of it. I'd felt the tears well up in my eyes, but then... it always stopped. They never fell, and the day I figured out why, my whole life changed. Again.

Those who are closest to me, who are privy to my innermost thoughts and get the juicy details of all my interactions and relationships will freely admit that it had gotten borderline comical how I always managed to find myself in the same situation. The same, but different, if that makes any sense. Yeah, if it weren't so fucked up, it would be hysterically funny.

To be continued... (and I promise you, I will follow through on this. It's too important not to.)