Today, I Wrote

What is it that shoves us away from what makes us feel good?  Are we really that fucked up, as human beings, that we actually prefer feeling miserable over feeling awake, alert, and... dare I say... happy? I don't know how many times, over the last 43 years that I've started a good, positive thing in my life and have just dropped it a few weeks or months later.  It doesn't matter what it is... diet and exercise, a new hobby, or any other thing that causes a feeling of physical well-being, health, and pride in myself.  WHY???  Why would I EVER choose to abandon a behavior that gives me so many wonderful things?

This morning, I entertained the thought that I'm just lazy, but I'm not sure that's the answer to my question.  It's a vicious cycle, for me.  I fall into this hole, swim around in a sea of self-contempt, apathy, and misery until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired.  When I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I claw my way out of that hole long enough to walk over to the next hole.  Gravity takes over and then... you know the drill.  Every hole is a new and different circumstance that sucks me in.  Or... is it, really?  Maybe it's just a massive ocean with random islands that I climb upon and walk across only to fall back into the SAME sea of shit.  Hmmmm...  I think I've stumbled upon one of those epiphanies that writing always brings me.

I only want to think every hole is different, but, truly, it's the same hole I keep ending up in because the net result is the SAME feeling.  Wow.

I wonder if people truly are able to be helped, or if we're all just doomed to follow whatever vicious cycles we've established for ourselves?

"They" say that once you realize your issues and learn what gives you peace and joy, it gets better and easier to practice and do those things.  I'm not sure that's correct.  Then again, I've always had issues with what "they" say.  If it gets better and easier, then how do I end up back in a hole?  WHY is it a constant struggle to do what makes me feel good?

I guess I've gotten better about not giving my emotional crud to others.  I guess, at some point, the load got too much to bear, so I'd throw some at someone else like, "here, you take some of this."  This misery no longer likes company.  I don't want other people to be unhappy just because I am.

I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that I am, in fact, in a hole, which accelerates the whole "sick and tired" thing.

I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that each hole is a little more shallow than the last.  They aren't as much of a challenge to climb out of as the previous ones have been.  I guess I just wish that the islands between the holes would start getting a little wider.

I guess I see that, today, I've been pro-active and that, while I didn't go to the gym, I have engaged in one activity that usually helps me feel better.  Today, I wrote.  That has to count for something.

Twerking and Other Such Nonsense

Yes... I'll admit... since the big Miley Cyrus debacle, I've wandered around wondering WTF it means to "twerk".  Having heard that phrase one too many times tonight, I decided to let Google, once again, be my friend.  Now I know...  Too bad I can't say my mind is any more broadened by the acquisition of this knowledge.  To be honest, I'm a little let down.  I thought it was something far dirtier.

Not long ago, I was attempting to read a book called "The Potty Mouth at the Table."  The descriptive summary spoke of an author devoid of couth and manners and just let whatever she was thinking on any given topic fly right out of her mouth.  A few chapters in, I, once again, thought I needed to be writing a book so I could show this bitch how it's REALLY done.   Then again... I wonder if anyone could truly handle my brand of brashness.  Think before you answer.  I think MAYBE 2 or 3 people have ever seen me in action.

and it keeps coming back to that, doesn't it?  my incessant need/want/desire to write a book.

So why haven't I?  I don't know.  I keep getting caught up in life, I suppose.

Going between writing this blog and perusing my Facebook newsfeed, I see my friend, Sheryle, has posted a meme that has a quote from Dr. King:  "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

Define "matter".  Do we mean things that matter to us but don't necessarily matter to others, or are we talking about global issues, things that pertain to humanity?  I guess, to me, any way you slice the pie, that quote is very true.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I was meant to see that because seeing it was like a punch to my gut.  I have things that matter (to me) to discuss, and, if I leave them unspoken, then, yes, the ending of my life has begun.  WOW...  wasn't really counting on a heavy epiphany tonight, but we really shouldn't question these things when they're handed to us.  *sigh*

I haven't had any random thoughts in a while ...

I was thinking, today, as I was driving to work ... I was thinking about my favorite topic of late, and that would be my amazing boyfriend, Michael.  More specifically, I was thinking about our relationship and my role in it as compared to my role in past relationships.  I know that, in the grand scheme of things, Michael and I haven't really been together for very long, but, the thing is this... it's been long enough that I know something is assuredly different here.  What's different is me, and I'm different because of him.

It's very true that, in human relationships, that people play off of the vibes of one another.  Often times, we do these things without realizing it's even going on.  I know that, in the past, I'd already be turning into someone I really don't like very much at this stage of a relationship.  There would already have been that first disagreement, that first argument, or that first hint of a cluster fuck of head games that make you question what you think you know.  That isn't so here.  It simply isn't. 

See, games make me feel ugly because they elicit responses from me that I don't really care for.  I've always seen myself as a reasonable, laid back, trusting, and secure person.  Someone plays games, though, and it seems all that goes out the window.  It's, unfortunately, something I never notice right away.  When I do, however, I take the necessary steps to rectify the situation.  I mean, never again will I be someone I don't like; moreover, I will not be someone I don't like because of another person's influence.  Fuck that noise. 

Anyhow, none of that nonsense is going on now.  What I have going on now is 800 degrees of wonderful.  Often times, I sit back (who am I kidding?  ALL the time...) and think, "so this is what it's like to have exactly everything I've ever wanted".  "so this is what it's like to be genuinely cared about."  "so this is what it's like to NOT have your head fucked with."

and... guess what?  I realized, today, while I was driving to work... I'm exactly the person I always thought I was.

and so it goes

How long has it been since I typed a coherent though?  Too long, I suppose is the answer ... the only answer ... the correct answer.  I should be doing more of this kind of thing.  I should be processing thoughts a lot more.  I really need to be getting started on this project that means so much to me.

I am, unfortunately, still awake.  Why does that always seem to happen the night before I have a vacation day?  Excitement over not having to get up?  Maybe so.  Or maybe I'm just thinking of different things every time.  It's true that my mind never stops.

Oh well... that's just what I do.  I've been thinking a lot lately about how happy I've been here, where I live now.  Truly, I can say with all certainty that I've found myself here.  This is the first place that's felt like "home" in a very long time.  I'm not entirely sure why that's a bittersweet realization for me.  I guess because life "should" have turned out differently?  Nah... I'm sure that's not the answer.  I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now.  Nothing can, will, or should change that. 

Wow.  I'm too tired to mess with this any more tonight.  I'll try to be more diligent with my writing endeavors.  It's hard... so many new things going on.  I've committed to doing this, though, so do it, I must.  haha  that sounds so ... "wrong". 

"One day, I'm gonna write a book..."

I keep saying that, but it never happens... yet.

I guess because, when I do, it'll probably end up in the self-help section, and, if that ever happens, just know, ahead of time, that this was not by my choice. Why? Because I have a complete loathing and contempt for the self-help industry. Simply put, I think it's bullshit... all of it. Every last stinking fucking piece.

(as a side note, I intend to cuss like a goddamn sailor in my book, when I write it. why? because, if Corey Mother Fuckin' Taylor can do it, so can *I*)

I have no use for the self-help "genre", especially as it pertains to the interactions between human beings, be it on a friendship, professional, or romantic level. This market preys on people who feel inferior in some capacity, and the self-help machine serves to make them feel even more inferior. This, in turn, keeps a non-understanding public chasing after the next panacea that their lazy asses don't have to put the work into creating for their lazy-ass selves. How true is that? Very, in my not-so-humble opinion. "Let me see what Josephine Self-Help Book Author has to say about this because, Gods forbid I do the hard work and soul searching involved in figuring this shit out for myself." Imagine, next, the compounded feelings of inadequacy when Joe Consumer realizes he simply doesn't measure up to whichever prescription to success he is subscribing to this week or that he gave it his best shot and it simply didn't apply to HIS life circumstances, so it didn't work. This feeling of inadequacy, when added to the feelings of inadequacy that caused Joe to go looking for answers to begin with is compounded and is slapped with another "label du jour". It becomes a vicious cycle of disappointment and inadequacy as Joe continues to search for the holy grail... the ever elusive... ANSWER... On and on he goes, and this endless search just perpetuates the market for this kind of nonsense, and these false prophets continue getting richer and richer because, poor Joe, who looks for answers from external sources, is going to keep spending his hard-earned money as he continues searching outside until the point comes that he realizes this central truth: the answers all lie within his own soul.

To me, flaw number one with the self-help industry is that everyone thinks their answer is "the" answer. What it doesn't, however, factor in is that we're ALL different, even the most similar individuals are just that... individuals. While this bit of advice may apply to YOU and YOUR circumstances, it will not, in fact, apply to me or my circumstances. Furthermore, you have NO BUSINESS making me feel like a loser when your crap doesn't help ME. Maybe it helped 50-1000 other people, but that's them, and I'm ME.

To me, flaw number two is the fact that the self-help industry assumes that ALL people are rational and sane. Uh... HELLO... You're writing books FOR people who are fucked up to begin with, and you're telling them WHAT to say or do in order to elicit a certain response from other people, and you're basing those suggestions on the fact that THOSE people aren't somehow fucked up too??? Get a CLUE. We're ALL fucked up in some way. Period. Even if you think you aren't, you ARE, and thinking you aren't is probably your biggest problem.

"Do this for your man, and you'll get what you want". Uh-huh... This assumes that a rational, sane person is delivering the information and that a rational, sane person is receiving the information. This is the case rarely to never. Yes. NEVER. The person whose heart you're trying to charm your way into is, just like YOU, riddled with the drama and bullshit baggage of his or her OWN past and present life. It takes more than words in a book to figure out how in the hell to figure people out. The sooner you figure THAT out, the better off you'll be. The answers are NOT in a book.

All you really need to do is become a keen observer of human nature, learn to think outside the box, and LEARN the correct and hard lessons life slings your way. Go forward and TRY not to fuck up so badly the next time because the shit WILL come again, which means you apply the lessons you've learned to your future endeavors, but NOT in a self-destructive sort of way. Yeah, yeah, I know that's complicated shit right there. It was hard for me as well. I'm no saint, and I've seen my share of self-defeating, self-destructive days.

As a person who feels so strongly about this, imagine my dismay at the fact that a hefty 99% of the things I've written have all "helped" someone in some capacity or other. I write to plow through things, I write to figure out how to deal, I write to sort through feelings, I write to find my own answers, and, lastly, I write in order to know ME better. A side benefit is that I've, in some way or other, resonated with you. My words have mattered. I know because you've told me so. I love that. I really do, but, please understand, my goal was never to help YOU.

I know my answers aren't for everyone, but I feel they should be. I think it's a shame that too many people out there look outside of themselves for information their soul already carries. I mean... think about it...

"this book will give me the answers"

"this drink will take the pain away"

"having a billion Facebook friends will make me less lonely"

Putting the responsibility on someone or something else is just... wrong. I see this go on way too much, so if me sharing my pain, joy, and process of figuring this shit out causes even ONE of you to look within... I'm all about it. Let's go, and I hope you all enjoy the ride because, while I aim to help, I'm well aware that I'm far from a panacea. These are simply my life experiences, and, if they help you, great, but hopefully, they'll amuse you as well because, above all else, I aim to entertain. The thing is this... if you aren't willing to grow and learn, none of your life will amount to a pile of shit.

P.S. when I end up in the self-help section of Barnes, please try your hardest to not make fun of me. I'm already, in advance, scourged by the shame of it. ;-)

Cent'anni.

Do I even like you?

A friend and I were talking just the other day about a guy she's kind of seeing.

"I like him," she told me. Then she listed these reasons why she liked him, and we both ended up realizing that the reasons, while good, can still turn out to be bad ones. What she ended up saying to me is something I've pondered more than once in my myriad dating... uh... "adventures."

"I wonder though... do I like him, or do I just like him because he likes me?"

See, the reasons given were all centered around how the things he does makes her feel good when she's around him. Like I said, those aren't necessarily bad reasons. I mean, why on earth would we put our energy into liking someone around whom we feel bad?

The thing is this... there needs to be more going on than how you feel when you're around the other person. I've always known, up front, that there will be trouble when someone tells me something like that. At some point or other, in ALL of my involvements, I throw the challenge down... "you like me? that's nice. Why do you like me?" If the first thing out of his mouth is "because you make me feel good when I'm around you." or anything like that, I know there are going to be problems. Why? Oh, please... allow me to 'splain.

See... I have a dynamic personality. I have the ability to relate to people, and I can get just about anyone to relate to me. I have the gift of empathy, humor, compassion, and... around me, you can be 100% you. Oh, and I'm good at ego stroking. Not to put too fine of a point on it, but there are very few people I simply can't get along with, and, whether or not a person realizes it, they usually feel better after having spent time with me. The thing is this... if this is the only thing you like about me, that you feel better or good about yourself after spending time with me, I will end up disappointing you.

When we rely on other people to generate our good feelings, it places a constant expectation on the other person. Take me, for example. When I was in a situation like this, there was this enormous pressure on me to always be completely awesome, and, folks, I'm just not. I have bad days. I get into moods. I'm not always going to be able to feed a needy ego. Period. Then what happens? You see that, just like everyone else on the planet, I'm a human being, I'm flawed, and now I've disappointed you. What's left between us when the only thing there to begin with was that I made you feel good? Nothing.

Like me because I'm smart. Like me because I'm funny. Like me because I'm a decent human being. Like my kindness. Like that I do quirky things. Like that I'm not afraid EVER to be 100% who I am. Like that I know how to behave no matter where I am. What you should absolutely not, EVER, do is look to me for your sense of self-gratification. I mean, of course it's good to like that you feel better after having spent time with someone special, but that shouldn't be the ONLY thing you appreciate about the person. If they are, eventually, they WILL disappoint you.

So, my friend and I decided that there are other things about this guy that she likes, and I'm happy for her. :-) I hope it goes well for her. Me?  I guess my point is this: I haven't always known what I was doing in the past, but I have learned, and, while I'm still a flawed individual, I know it isn't fair to base my interactions with others on "what's in it for me?"

The mess

I guess I've put the cart before the horse a bit here by talking about my highway musings first. I guess that was for effect, to catch attention, to... suck you in, so to speak. I guess maybe I should start with this: Prior to about a month ago, I've always had issues with trusting myself, my instincts. Never mind that, after the fact, on numerous occasions, I've always been right. Never mind that. I always figured this (whenever "this" happened to be) would be the time I was wrong. Yes, this would be the time I was wrong, and all the things that my gut screamed at me to get away from because they were horribly wrong would turn out just fine and dandy. How awful is that? To be right time and time again but to only know it after inflicting torment and pain upon yourself because you're convinced that you're wrong? Wow.

It was mid-January, and, as I recall it, I was driving to my then-boyfriend's place (not "home" as I previously thought. So, I lied. Sue me). Things had felt odd between us for a couple of weeks, at that time, and my gut knew what the problem was. The deepest part of me knew what was going on and what was coming, yet... Maybe I was wrong. See how easy that is? It's a trap, you know, and it was the worst kind of mind fuck, if you ask me, you know, the ones I've pulled on myself.

See... here's the deal... The truth of the matter is that I was re-living the number one worst relationship I'd ever been in, but I convinced myself that I was just projecting my issues about the past on to my present circumstances. It was completely eerie how my then-boyfriend would say or do these things, and they would be verbatim or identical to what Mr. Six Years Ago had said or done. It was completely creepy at times. and... WOW.

The six+ years ago drama is what taught me ALL that I needed to know about toxicity and destructive relationships that I'd need to know for the whole rest of my life. I was constantly on high alert for a line of bullshit, and I could see it coming from 12 miles away. The thing is? I was TIRED of being constantly on guard. I was TIRED of freaking out over every tiny little thing that reminded me of the worst point in my life. I was TIRED of blaming other people for what one person had done to me. The end result was that I gave this situation more of a chance than I should have.

See... I'd see and hear these things that would send me into an emotional tailspin... I swear to fuck, it was just like he had a fucking script from back then. Only... I tried to convince myself that it wasn't fair to hold the past against the present. Just because Person A said this and was lying doesn't mean that Person B is lying when HE says it... Bullshit. Well, I didn't know it then, but I do now, and that's what matters. What matters now is that it didn't take the better part of a decade for me to figure it out this time.

See how it was a double-edged sword though? Maybe even triple edged. Underneath it all, I knew what was going on. I knew that goddamn spade was a spade. There was, however, my foolish tendency to override my own common sense and there was the part of me who felt guilty for judging the new person for what the old person had done. Which way to go? which way to go?