Day 7
Open message to an asshole:
I've had something on my mind for a few days now... I've been told that someone's cold and callous treatment toward me, over the last 24 years, was a way of getting back at me, that someone's 24 years of neglect toward our child was a way of getting back at me. See... in order for a tactic like that to work, one actually has to care or notice that he or she is being treated coldly or callously. All I knew is that you were gone and that I was glad. I love that you've expended your energy toward someone who simply didn't give a shit, never had, and never would. See... one would actually have to care that you're gone. How can that be when I'm the one who left? All I remember is walking away with a huge sigh of relief. No more punches to the face, kicks to the stomach, or having my valuables burned in front of me out of sheer cruelty. Why would I mourn the loss of any of that? Why would I care that someone like that wasn't around? For so many years I thought what happened to me didn't matter anymore, and what mattered was my son who didn't have a father. I see now how wrong that was. My son didn't need an example like you in his life. Because of your absence and the lack of your influence, he is one of the kindest, most decent human beings that one could ever hope to meet. He actually cares about people. My writing this is getting the last little bit of it out of my system. See... having these things brought to my attention really made something more clear to me, something I've been needing to express. In your attempt to hurt *me* by your coldness and callousness and your neglect of your child, you've harmed no one other than yourself by carrying around this ugliness for nearly a quarter of a century. It makes me laugh, to be honest. In order to hurt someone, there's this implication that the person being hurt has actually ever given a shit about you. I realized a long time ago that I didn't really. Not ever. Singularly and solely because, when I was so young, I didn't truly understand what that meant. My marriage to you was not the most significant relationship of my life, and your "damage" was not the most emotionally harrowing experience of my life. From the wreckage of that relationship, I grew up and moved on. I'd assumed you'd done the same and had worked my way into a feeling of indifference toward you and the past, which was a change from the blinding hatred toward an emotional and physical bully. I'm privileged to learn that you have not grown up, you have not changed a bit. For a minute, it threw me for a loop because... what really happens when the tools or thoughts with which you move past an issue prove to be false? I had the epiphany, though, that it doesn't matter how you get past something as long as it's done in a healthy way. What matters is that you got past it. So, to be clear... your coldness hasn't bothered me in any way, so, in closing, I'd say... Get over yourself. Maybe you should try rebelling against people by being what they don't expect. Some don't expect you won't ever be more than a raging shit bag. ;-)
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Okay...
Day 6
Why does life always boil down to "people should just keep their mouths shut"? How on earth did we ever get the internet off the ground bearing that concept in mind? Over on the facety space, some folks are bitching about the weather... other folks are bitching about the people bitching about the weather... some folks are even bitching about the people who are bitching about the people who are bitching about the weather... I mean... what's it matter to anyone what another person wants to say? If you don't want to read it, just blow right on by there. But no... we have to posture against whatever it is that anyone else wants to say.
IT'S COLD, and if you want to bitch about it, please feel free to do so.
I also can't stand to be told what it is that I "should" be caring about. Sure... I may get all up in arms about topic X... but someone has to get all sanctimonious and condescending and say something like, "I can't believe you care about X. How come nobody cares or thinks about J, K, or L?" Uh... because we don't see the value in caring about that the way you do? Uh... because we don't really have the energy to spend learning about it? Uh... because no one has ever brought it to our attention? Or... how about maybe we just don't give as much of a shit about it as YOU do? And, you know what? That's okay. It doesn't make us deficient human beings because we care about different things. AND... here's the clincher... it doesn't make you a better, more superior human being because you DO. What it makes us is "different", and "different" is the beauty in this world.
I can't believe how awful Dennis Quaid looks right now. WOW.
Why does life always boil down to "people should just keep their mouths shut"? How on earth did we ever get the internet off the ground bearing that concept in mind? Over on the facety space, some folks are bitching about the weather... other folks are bitching about the people bitching about the weather... some folks are even bitching about the people who are bitching about the people who are bitching about the weather... I mean... what's it matter to anyone what another person wants to say? If you don't want to read it, just blow right on by there. But no... we have to posture against whatever it is that anyone else wants to say.
IT'S COLD, and if you want to bitch about it, please feel free to do so.
I also can't stand to be told what it is that I "should" be caring about. Sure... I may get all up in arms about topic X... but someone has to get all sanctimonious and condescending and say something like, "I can't believe you care about X. How come nobody cares or thinks about J, K, or L?" Uh... because we don't see the value in caring about that the way you do? Uh... because we don't really have the energy to spend learning about it? Uh... because no one has ever brought it to our attention? Or... how about maybe we just don't give as much of a shit about it as YOU do? And, you know what? That's okay. It doesn't make us deficient human beings because we care about different things. AND... here's the clincher... it doesn't make you a better, more superior human being because you DO. What it makes us is "different", and "different" is the beauty in this world.
I can't believe how awful Dennis Quaid looks right now. WOW.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Stuff That Keeps Me Awake
Day 5
I just woke up to the sound of hail hitting our bedroom window. Yeah... how'd that happen? I almost went to bed for the night without writing. Well... here I am now all set to fix that. I fell asleep watching Thor. It was on once, and, near the end, Cakey wanted to go to bed so I went and laid down with him for a while and watched the end of the movie in the bedroom. The movie came on a second time and (yeah, I'm a weirdo, so I started watching it again) I fell asleep as Odin was kicking Thor out of Asgard again.
I wonder why worry really only sets in at night?
I worry about this coming weather. It's about 5 degrees warmer now than it was when we went to lie down. Looking out the window, I see the rain has washed away most of the snow we had in our yard. Freezing temperatures are to follow this? How am I going to get off my porch without falling and busting my head open or without breaking an arm or a leg? We've salted everything down, but doesn't that stuff loose it's effectiveness once the cold hits a certain point? What if one or both of our cars are affected by this shit? I've already had to call off once for being sick. I worked so hard all year to improve my attendance record. It would really upset me to have to put yet another ding in it. At least it's the new year, so any time missed would be paid. Well... I really shouldn't put any particular vibe out there, so I'm going to shut up about that and hope for the best. I guess it isn't supposed to get nasty cold until later in the day anyhow. I guess we shall see what happens.
I worry about getting stuck somewhere and not being able to get home. That's a huge one for me. I really hate being away from home. I've always been that way. Even as a child, I'd prefer someone to come spend the night with me than me going away from home. I remember telling my mom to tell friends I wasn't allowed to spend the night, being away from my own home made me that nervous/upset. By and large, I'm still the same way. It's very unsettling to me, being outside of my comfort zone for too long. Vacations are usually "stay-cations", and, if I go away, it's usually not for very much longer than maybe a long weekend.
I worry about money. I'm not sure how, at the end of a year where I've made more money than I've ever made in my entire life, I'm completely broke. On paper, we should be very, very comfortable, but damn... I think the added cost of the heating bill and poor preparation for that over the summer have really killed us. That, and my needing to buy a car that I'm making payments on. sheesh. I know the hole will be crawled out of, but right now really fucking sucks. I mean REALLY. It depresses me that I make as much money, if not more, than people I considered "middle class" when I was young, yet I have next to nothing to show for that.
All of this kind of shit goes on in my head and whirls around and around like a jumbo tornado, yet I seem to have lost the ability to meditate. I really need to get back what I've lost regarding my spiritual practices.
I guess I'll try to go back to sleep now...
By the way... I just dumped some worries here. I'm not looking to be counseled or anything like that. If you can relate, that's all well and good, but I've asked no one to fix anything for me.
Good night. :-)
I just woke up to the sound of hail hitting our bedroom window. Yeah... how'd that happen? I almost went to bed for the night without writing. Well... here I am now all set to fix that. I fell asleep watching Thor. It was on once, and, near the end, Cakey wanted to go to bed so I went and laid down with him for a while and watched the end of the movie in the bedroom. The movie came on a second time and (yeah, I'm a weirdo, so I started watching it again) I fell asleep as Odin was kicking Thor out of Asgard again.
I wonder why worry really only sets in at night?
I worry about this coming weather. It's about 5 degrees warmer now than it was when we went to lie down. Looking out the window, I see the rain has washed away most of the snow we had in our yard. Freezing temperatures are to follow this? How am I going to get off my porch without falling and busting my head open or without breaking an arm or a leg? We've salted everything down, but doesn't that stuff loose it's effectiveness once the cold hits a certain point? What if one or both of our cars are affected by this shit? I've already had to call off once for being sick. I worked so hard all year to improve my attendance record. It would really upset me to have to put yet another ding in it. At least it's the new year, so any time missed would be paid. Well... I really shouldn't put any particular vibe out there, so I'm going to shut up about that and hope for the best. I guess it isn't supposed to get nasty cold until later in the day anyhow. I guess we shall see what happens.
I worry about getting stuck somewhere and not being able to get home. That's a huge one for me. I really hate being away from home. I've always been that way. Even as a child, I'd prefer someone to come spend the night with me than me going away from home. I remember telling my mom to tell friends I wasn't allowed to spend the night, being away from my own home made me that nervous/upset. By and large, I'm still the same way. It's very unsettling to me, being outside of my comfort zone for too long. Vacations are usually "stay-cations", and, if I go away, it's usually not for very much longer than maybe a long weekend.
I worry about money. I'm not sure how, at the end of a year where I've made more money than I've ever made in my entire life, I'm completely broke. On paper, we should be very, very comfortable, but damn... I think the added cost of the heating bill and poor preparation for that over the summer have really killed us. That, and my needing to buy a car that I'm making payments on. sheesh. I know the hole will be crawled out of, but right now really fucking sucks. I mean REALLY. It depresses me that I make as much money, if not more, than people I considered "middle class" when I was young, yet I have next to nothing to show for that.
All of this kind of shit goes on in my head and whirls around and around like a jumbo tornado, yet I seem to have lost the ability to meditate. I really need to get back what I've lost regarding my spiritual practices.
I guess I'll try to go back to sleep now...
By the way... I just dumped some worries here. I'm not looking to be counseled or anything like that. If you can relate, that's all well and good, but I've asked no one to fix anything for me.
Good night. :-)
Saturday, January 4, 2014
I got somethin' to say...
Day 4
How is this ever going to work out when I feel like I don't really have much to say anymore?
My son came over to hang out with us tonight. I love when he comes to visit. We ordered pizza and just sat here and chilled. It was a great evening. We were watching the Star Wars MythBusters show. I often wonder why people try to prove or disprove the feasibility of things you see in the movies or the TV shows. What's the point? Why spoil the wonder of the screen? They enjoyed it, but it kind of annoyed me.
Then again... lots of things annoyed me today. It seems that the very act of waking up bugged the piss right out of me. I'm not sure why. I wonder if it's the hormone thing again. I certainly didn't have any dreams that bothered me. I wasn't mad at anyone or anything. It's strange. It's strange when even Michael notices, and he did. I guess we'll see what happens.
How is this ever going to work out when I feel like I don't really have much to say anymore?
My son came over to hang out with us tonight. I love when he comes to visit. We ordered pizza and just sat here and chilled. It was a great evening. We were watching the Star Wars MythBusters show. I often wonder why people try to prove or disprove the feasibility of things you see in the movies or the TV shows. What's the point? Why spoil the wonder of the screen? They enjoyed it, but it kind of annoyed me.
Then again... lots of things annoyed me today. It seems that the very act of waking up bugged the piss right out of me. I'm not sure why. I wonder if it's the hormone thing again. I certainly didn't have any dreams that bothered me. I wasn't mad at anyone or anything. It's strange. It's strange when even Michael notices, and he did. I guess we'll see what happens.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Discipline
Day 3
It would have been so easy for me to come home from my long day and just go to bed. I'm trying to be more disciplined, though, so here I am, keeping one of my new year's resolutions. I'm writing something today.
Speaking of discipline, why can't more people discipline themselves not to be assholes? Why can't I discipline myself to NOT get the soda in the vending machine just one time and opt for some water instead? Why can't I discipline myself into using the damn gym membership I'm paying for?
Baby steps, I suppose... baby steps.
Is this blog a step in the right direction? We shall see..
Maybe tomorrow I can finish that book I've started reading. I still can't tell whether or not I like it. I can't tell if it's a deliberate attempt by the author to be a certain way or to send a certain message or if that's just who he is. I'm leaning toward the former. If I stick with that thought by the end of the book, I'll give another book by this guy a chance. If not... I've really got no interest in reading anymore. No thanks, Mr. Henry Rollins... I know all to well exactly how isolation and misery feel. I'm pretty sure, though, that you're slinging some shit at some folks. If that's the case, it's nothing short of brilliant.
I guess, when I'm done, I'll put together an official "review". I do have 362 more blogs to write, so we'll have to have something to talk about, no? haha. Hopefully, this morphs into more than me putting my random thoughts out in written form. I mean, isn't that what facebook is for? geez, brain... come up with something of substance already.
It would have been so easy for me to come home from my long day and just go to bed. I'm trying to be more disciplined, though, so here I am, keeping one of my new year's resolutions. I'm writing something today.
Speaking of discipline, why can't more people discipline themselves not to be assholes? Why can't I discipline myself to NOT get the soda in the vending machine just one time and opt for some water instead? Why can't I discipline myself into using the damn gym membership I'm paying for?
Baby steps, I suppose... baby steps.
Is this blog a step in the right direction? We shall see..
Maybe tomorrow I can finish that book I've started reading. I still can't tell whether or not I like it. I can't tell if it's a deliberate attempt by the author to be a certain way or to send a certain message or if that's just who he is. I'm leaning toward the former. If I stick with that thought by the end of the book, I'll give another book by this guy a chance. If not... I've really got no interest in reading anymore. No thanks, Mr. Henry Rollins... I know all to well exactly how isolation and misery feel. I'm pretty sure, though, that you're slinging some shit at some folks. If that's the case, it's nothing short of brilliant.
I guess, when I'm done, I'll put together an official "review". I do have 362 more blogs to write, so we'll have to have something to talk about, no? haha. Hopefully, this morphs into more than me putting my random thoughts out in written form. I mean, isn't that what facebook is for? geez, brain... come up with something of substance already.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Ghosts
*I guess, for the foreseeable future, I'll be using this blog for the writing project. The internet doesn't want to allow me to access the new blog I created. After the stuff I noticed that was jacked up yesterday and this today... I'm really not wanting to use that site anymore.
Day 2
I guess it's only fitting that the universe supplied me with something to actually talk about; you know, it just had to sling some shit my way that I'd need to process.
I've made it my life's work to study the process of "getting over it", as I've had a great many things I've needed to process, put away, and move past. I'm not one of those "I'll never get over it" people that I have minimal respect for. There's no person in my past for whom I will always pine. There's no great "regret". There's no "one who got away", unless the love of my life decides that he doesn't want to be here anymore, in which case, I may change my stance on my prior statements. Doubtful, but I might. I don't see that happening, though, so I'll just live my life as it currently stands with my own current reality.
Rationalization is a key factor in my world and in my "moving on" process. "well, this is what this is, and that is what that is, so what did you really think was going to happen? It was a bad combination for these reasons and those reasons have nothing to do with you or who you are..." You get the drill. That one works best for the scenarios in which you were too young and too stupid to know better than to do the things you'd done. After that, you need to come up with something better for processing the negative situations that keep coming into your life over and over again. "okay... this keeps happening... what's the common denominator here... me. What am I doing, not seeing, or not learning from these situations that keeps them coming my way?"
I had a point when I started writing this, but, really... what's the purpose in saying names and giving details?
I have to get ready for work now.
Day 2
I guess it's only fitting that the universe supplied me with something to actually talk about; you know, it just had to sling some shit my way that I'd need to process.
I've made it my life's work to study the process of "getting over it", as I've had a great many things I've needed to process, put away, and move past. I'm not one of those "I'll never get over it" people that I have minimal respect for. There's no person in my past for whom I will always pine. There's no great "regret". There's no "one who got away", unless the love of my life decides that he doesn't want to be here anymore, in which case, I may change my stance on my prior statements. Doubtful, but I might. I don't see that happening, though, so I'll just live my life as it currently stands with my own current reality.
Rationalization is a key factor in my world and in my "moving on" process. "well, this is what this is, and that is what that is, so what did you really think was going to happen? It was a bad combination for these reasons and those reasons have nothing to do with you or who you are..." You get the drill. That one works best for the scenarios in which you were too young and too stupid to know better than to do the things you'd done. After that, you need to come up with something better for processing the negative situations that keep coming into your life over and over again. "okay... this keeps happening... what's the common denominator here... me. What am I doing, not seeing, or not learning from these situations that keeps them coming my way?"
I had a point when I started writing this, but, really... what's the purpose in saying names and giving details?
I have to get ready for work now.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Today, I Wrote
What is it that shoves us away from what makes us feel good? Are we really that fucked up, as human beings, that we actually prefer feeling miserable over feeling awake, alert, and... dare I say... happy? I don't know how many times, over the last 43 years that I've started a good, positive thing in my life and have just dropped it a few weeks or months later. It doesn't matter what it is... diet and exercise, a new hobby, or any other thing that causes a feeling of physical well-being, health, and pride in myself. WHY??? Why would I EVER choose to abandon a behavior that gives me so many wonderful things?
This morning, I entertained the thought that I'm just lazy, but I'm not sure that's the answer to my question. It's a vicious cycle, for me. I fall into this hole, swim around in a sea of self-contempt, apathy, and misery until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I claw my way out of that hole long enough to walk over to the next hole. Gravity takes over and then... you know the drill. Every hole is a new and different circumstance that sucks me in. Or... is it, really? Maybe it's just a massive ocean with random islands that I climb upon and walk across only to fall back into the SAME sea of shit. Hmmmm... I think I've stumbled upon one of those epiphanies that writing always brings me.
I only want to think every hole is different, but, truly, it's the same hole I keep ending up in because the net result is the SAME feeling. Wow.
I wonder if people truly are able to be helped, or if we're all just doomed to follow whatever vicious cycles we've established for ourselves?
"They" say that once you realize your issues and learn what gives you peace and joy, it gets better and easier to practice and do those things. I'm not sure that's correct. Then again, I've always had issues with what "they" say. If it gets better and easier, then how do I end up back in a hole? WHY is it a constant struggle to do what makes me feel good?
I guess I've gotten better about not giving my emotional crud to others. I guess, at some point, the load got too much to bear, so I'd throw some at someone else like, "here, you take some of this." This misery no longer likes company. I don't want other people to be unhappy just because I am.
I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that I am, in fact, in a hole, which accelerates the whole "sick and tired" thing.
I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that each hole is a little more shallow than the last. They aren't as much of a challenge to climb out of as the previous ones have been. I guess I just wish that the islands between the holes would start getting a little wider.
I guess I see that, today, I've been pro-active and that, while I didn't go to the gym, I have engaged in one activity that usually helps me feel better. Today, I wrote. That has to count for something.
This morning, I entertained the thought that I'm just lazy, but I'm not sure that's the answer to my question. It's a vicious cycle, for me. I fall into this hole, swim around in a sea of self-contempt, apathy, and misery until I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, I claw my way out of that hole long enough to walk over to the next hole. Gravity takes over and then... you know the drill. Every hole is a new and different circumstance that sucks me in. Or... is it, really? Maybe it's just a massive ocean with random islands that I climb upon and walk across only to fall back into the SAME sea of shit. Hmmmm... I think I've stumbled upon one of those epiphanies that writing always brings me.
I only want to think every hole is different, but, truly, it's the same hole I keep ending up in because the net result is the SAME feeling. Wow.
I wonder if people truly are able to be helped, or if we're all just doomed to follow whatever vicious cycles we've established for ourselves?
"They" say that once you realize your issues and learn what gives you peace and joy, it gets better and easier to practice and do those things. I'm not sure that's correct. Then again, I've always had issues with what "they" say. If it gets better and easier, then how do I end up back in a hole? WHY is it a constant struggle to do what makes me feel good?
I guess I've gotten better about not giving my emotional crud to others. I guess, at some point, the load got too much to bear, so I'd throw some at someone else like, "here, you take some of this." This misery no longer likes company. I don't want other people to be unhappy just because I am.
I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that I am, in fact, in a hole, which accelerates the whole "sick and tired" thing.
I guess I've gotten better about recognizing that each hole is a little more shallow than the last. They aren't as much of a challenge to climb out of as the previous ones have been. I guess I just wish that the islands between the holes would start getting a little wider.
I guess I see that, today, I've been pro-active and that, while I didn't go to the gym, I have engaged in one activity that usually helps me feel better. Today, I wrote. That has to count for something.
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