Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
I can't think of anyone who has majorly mattered to me that has drifted away from me. I tend to keep those I love close to me. Sure, sometimes people get caught up in their own lives/worlds/drama etc... but that doesn't mean we're not close. It doesn't mean they're gone. People I genuinely love always find their way back to me or I to them.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 8)
Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell or has treated you like shit.
Really? Do we need to focus on such negativity? I mean, I do have a list about a mile long of people I could name here.
Since I started this project, I've dished out a bunch of bad memories. You know, that kind of puts the vibe out there that I'm still dwelling on it all, and I'm really not. I've made amazing progress over the past 6 years or so, and I'm very proud of myself.
Have there been people who made my life hell or treated me like shit? Yes, there have been. The thing is? I don't want to conjure up more negative memories. What I can tell you is this: There are not currently any people in my life making it hell or treating me like shit. Isn't that what counts?
Before, I used to tolerate so much shit from people it wasn't funny. Now? I see it early on, and I bail. No one gets to make me feel less than EVER again, and isn't that what people who would treat you that way are all about? Making you feel less than they are? People only put you down to bring themselves up. That means they aren't so much to begin with.
So why would I give a person like that attention in this blog? Nooo... I already wish I hadn't given so many others attention they don't deserve in this project. BUT... I wanted to answer the questions openly and honestly. Ah well... I guess I'll do what I have to do, just like I always do. :-)
Really? Do we need to focus on such negativity? I mean, I do have a list about a mile long of people I could name here.
Since I started this project, I've dished out a bunch of bad memories. You know, that kind of puts the vibe out there that I'm still dwelling on it all, and I'm really not. I've made amazing progress over the past 6 years or so, and I'm very proud of myself.
Have there been people who made my life hell or treated me like shit? Yes, there have been. The thing is? I don't want to conjure up more negative memories. What I can tell you is this: There are not currently any people in my life making it hell or treating me like shit. Isn't that what counts?
Before, I used to tolerate so much shit from people it wasn't funny. Now? I see it early on, and I bail. No one gets to make me feel less than EVER again, and isn't that what people who would treat you that way are all about? Making you feel less than they are? People only put you down to bring themselves up. That means they aren't so much to begin with.
So why would I give a person like that attention in this blog? Nooo... I already wish I hadn't given so many others attention they don't deserve in this project. BUT... I wanted to answer the questions openly and honestly. Ah well... I guess I'll do what I have to do, just like I always do. :-)
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 6)
Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.
Quite honestly, I hope I never again have to decide the fate of another.
I remember when my sister died. She went into the hospital with a kidney infection. When they took her into surgery, she was alert, awake, and breathing on her own. When she came out, she was on a respirator and had a septic infection, you know, the horrid kind you get at the hospital. She was on the respirator for too long, and her lungs ruptured. The Dr. told us that, from that point on, it would be a series of emergencies that ultimately culminated in my sister's death. She wasn't coming back, and we had to decide what to do about the machinery that was sustaining her life. This is when my mom looked at me and said, "you decide."
It took me 5 minutes, but those were, by far, the most challenging 5 minutes ever. You have to decide if another person continues to exist? How does that happen? And how fucked up to put that off on another person??
Would the person in question WANT to be lying in a bed for the rest of eternity tethered to machines? I know I wouldn't want to, but what gives me the right to speak for another? Are they truly not coming back? Is all hope exhausted? Truly exhausted?
So... I decided to end it. I was satisfied by the physician's findings, and I realized she wasn't coming back. I asked the only question I could... Could we donate anything? Yes, folks, if you aren't ON RECORD as being staunchly opposed to organ donation, another person CAN decide that for you. Make sure you make the decent choice because, if I have anything to do with it, I will give anything useable to another person.
Still? It's a decision I hope to never have to make again. People shouldn't be forced by the cosmos to linger. They should either be, or they should not be. This, of course, should be painless and after all figurative accounts have been settled to the person's liking.
Quite honestly, I hope I never again have to decide the fate of another.
I remember when my sister died. She went into the hospital with a kidney infection. When they took her into surgery, she was alert, awake, and breathing on her own. When she came out, she was on a respirator and had a septic infection, you know, the horrid kind you get at the hospital. She was on the respirator for too long, and her lungs ruptured. The Dr. told us that, from that point on, it would be a series of emergencies that ultimately culminated in my sister's death. She wasn't coming back, and we had to decide what to do about the machinery that was sustaining her life. This is when my mom looked at me and said, "you decide."
It took me 5 minutes, but those were, by far, the most challenging 5 minutes ever. You have to decide if another person continues to exist? How does that happen? And how fucked up to put that off on another person??
Would the person in question WANT to be lying in a bed for the rest of eternity tethered to machines? I know I wouldn't want to, but what gives me the right to speak for another? Are they truly not coming back? Is all hope exhausted? Truly exhausted?
So... I decided to end it. I was satisfied by the physician's findings, and I realized she wasn't coming back. I asked the only question I could... Could we donate anything? Yes, folks, if you aren't ON RECORD as being staunchly opposed to organ donation, another person CAN decide that for you. Make sure you make the decent choice because, if I have anything to do with it, I will give anything useable to another person.
Still? It's a decision I hope to never have to make again. People shouldn't be forced by the cosmos to linger. They should either be, or they should not be. This, of course, should be painless and after all figurative accounts have been settled to the person's liking.
Monday, September 5, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 5)
Day 5: Something you hope to do in your future...
I hope to arrive home safely from St. Louis today.
I hope to get back on track regarding my diet.
I hope to fully explore my feelings regarding certain people and situations.
I hope to be enough.
I hope to discover continually.
I hope to live my life in wonder. Always.
I hope to continue living happily ever after.
I hope to experience the kind of romantic joy I've always dreamed of.
I hope to get on track spiritually.
I hope to continue being a seeker of knowledge/wisdom.
I hope to educate others.
I hope to make a difference in my world.
I hope to feel a warm human touch very soon.
I hope ...
Hope is an interesting concept. In life, one must learn to properly hope. It's never ridiculous or a waste of energy to expend your hope. What is ridiculous or a waste of energy is to put all of your expectations into your hope, to not be okay if your hopes do not pan out.
I have a situation in my life that I need to address. I hope it goes the way I want it to, but there's a HUGE chance that it won't. While I hope for the best, while I know it will sting harshly if it doesn't, I know I will be okay if it doesn't. I will still be me, I will still have contentment, happiness, and joy in my life, the earth will still turn, the stars will shine, and because I risked it... because I was brave and went for it, my hope was not in vain.
I hope to arrive home safely from St. Louis today.
I hope to get back on track regarding my diet.
I hope to fully explore my feelings regarding certain people and situations.
I hope to be enough.
I hope to discover continually.
I hope to live my life in wonder. Always.
I hope to continue living happily ever after.
I hope to experience the kind of romantic joy I've always dreamed of.
I hope to get on track spiritually.
I hope to continue being a seeker of knowledge/wisdom.
I hope to educate others.
I hope to make a difference in my world.
I hope to feel a warm human touch very soon.
I hope ...
Hope is an interesting concept. In life, one must learn to properly hope. It's never ridiculous or a waste of energy to expend your hope. What is ridiculous or a waste of energy is to put all of your expectations into your hope, to not be okay if your hopes do not pan out.
I have a situation in my life that I need to address. I hope it goes the way I want it to, but there's a HUGE chance that it won't. While I hope for the best, while I know it will sting harshly if it doesn't, I know I will be okay if it doesn't. I will still be me, I will still have contentment, happiness, and joy in my life, the earth will still turn, the stars will shine, and because I risked it... because I was brave and went for it, my hope was not in vain.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 3)
Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
And again, here's another topic I feel I've already taken care of, so to speak. Well, maybe not entirely. I guess I hold on to enough self-resentment to make sure the infraction I'm about to discuss NEVER happens again, but, then again, life offers no guarantees, I suppose. I know I'll try harder, and that counts for a lot. Piss on anyone who says any differently.
Honestly? I've done some pretty messed up things that ultimately ended up damaging me pretty badly, but I'd have to say the number one worst thing... the one for which I had the hardest time forgiving myself is lying to myself.
The worst part is, when you pick apart the situation, I don't even know why I did it. All I can really come up with is ego and the intense desire to not be wrong. I guess I genuinely believed it was in the name of love, but I'm not even sure if it was. That is, however, coming from the perspective several years of "getting over it" has given me.
See... I was in this... "situation". It makes me cringe to refer to it as a "relationship" because it didn't really fit my ideal description of what a relationship should be. But... we'll stick with what it was for the time... I was in this relationship, or, as Dane Cook would refer to it, a "relationshit". BLAH... it's hard to break down and talk about it. It's like going through boxes that have been neatly put away in the attic. Ya know?
Literally and figuratively speaking, I gave up a lot for the sake of this relationshit. I gave up a lot of myself, who I was, I diminished the way others saw me, and I caused a lot of estrangement between myself and folks who genuinely loved me.
I let myself believe that genuine love was equated with the intense drama this person brought into my life. That's how it is on the soaps, right? Everything is so super complicated and there's all these convoluted story lines and people make mistakes and blah blah blah blah. The long and the short of it is that I wasted my 30s on an emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, lying, cheating, manipulative, sociopathic idiot. In order to be okay with being so hurt, used, taken advantage of, and abused, I rationalized it... he's just a victim of abuse himself, he doesn't know any other way, he really loves me... he's just not able to show it, yadda yadda yadda... What it all boils down to is this... None of this was on me, OTHER than the fact that I lied to myself.
It was his job to fix himself, to overcome his past and make the choice to either let his circumstances rule him and live in misery or to rise above and choose a happy life for himself, his children, and his significant other. He chose to wallow in misery and lash out at anyone who tried to give him genuine love. My fault is in refusing to see it for what it was, and when the truth was right in my face, I wanted to pretend it was something it wasn't.
"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck..."
Yeah, I wanted to pretend it was a swan in a duck suit.
I guess, if I acknowledged reality, it would have meant, in my warped mind, that there was something wrong with me that I attracted this to myself. I know better now. I went in knowing full well what would probably happen, yet I went forth with an open mind. Being kind, genuine, and open is not a crime. It isn't my fault. I just have to be more willing to accept the truth when it's handed to me.
Generally speaking, I forgive myself for allowing all this to happen, and I did learn a lot from it, so I guess it was necessary in the grand scheme of things. I do hold a small amount of resentment about it, though, just to remind myself that these things do happen, and that I shouldn't allow such drama into my life.
And again, here's another topic I feel I've already taken care of, so to speak. Well, maybe not entirely. I guess I hold on to enough self-resentment to make sure the infraction I'm about to discuss NEVER happens again, but, then again, life offers no guarantees, I suppose. I know I'll try harder, and that counts for a lot. Piss on anyone who says any differently.
Honestly? I've done some pretty messed up things that ultimately ended up damaging me pretty badly, but I'd have to say the number one worst thing... the one for which I had the hardest time forgiving myself is lying to myself.
The worst part is, when you pick apart the situation, I don't even know why I did it. All I can really come up with is ego and the intense desire to not be wrong. I guess I genuinely believed it was in the name of love, but I'm not even sure if it was. That is, however, coming from the perspective several years of "getting over it" has given me.
See... I was in this... "situation". It makes me cringe to refer to it as a "relationship" because it didn't really fit my ideal description of what a relationship should be. But... we'll stick with what it was for the time... I was in this relationship, or, as Dane Cook would refer to it, a "relationshit". BLAH... it's hard to break down and talk about it. It's like going through boxes that have been neatly put away in the attic. Ya know?
Literally and figuratively speaking, I gave up a lot for the sake of this relationshit. I gave up a lot of myself, who I was, I diminished the way others saw me, and I caused a lot of estrangement between myself and folks who genuinely loved me.
I let myself believe that genuine love was equated with the intense drama this person brought into my life. That's how it is on the soaps, right? Everything is so super complicated and there's all these convoluted story lines and people make mistakes and blah blah blah blah. The long and the short of it is that I wasted my 30s on an emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, lying, cheating, manipulative, sociopathic idiot. In order to be okay with being so hurt, used, taken advantage of, and abused, I rationalized it... he's just a victim of abuse himself, he doesn't know any other way, he really loves me... he's just not able to show it, yadda yadda yadda... What it all boils down to is this... None of this was on me, OTHER than the fact that I lied to myself.
It was his job to fix himself, to overcome his past and make the choice to either let his circumstances rule him and live in misery or to rise above and choose a happy life for himself, his children, and his significant other. He chose to wallow in misery and lash out at anyone who tried to give him genuine love. My fault is in refusing to see it for what it was, and when the truth was right in my face, I wanted to pretend it was something it wasn't.
"If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck..."
Yeah, I wanted to pretend it was a swan in a duck suit.
I guess, if I acknowledged reality, it would have meant, in my warped mind, that there was something wrong with me that I attracted this to myself. I know better now. I went in knowing full well what would probably happen, yet I went forth with an open mind. Being kind, genuine, and open is not a crime. It isn't my fault. I just have to be more willing to accept the truth when it's handed to me.
Generally speaking, I forgive myself for allowing all this to happen, and I did learn a lot from it, so I guess it was necessary in the grand scheme of things. I do hold a small amount of resentment about it, though, just to remind myself that these things do happen, and that I shouldn't allow such drama into my life.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
30 Days of Truth (Day 2)
Day 2: Something you love about yourself.
Since I'll be working/traveling all day tomorrow, I'm going to get ahead a bit.
Hmmmm... So, we're going to go from hate to love? Well... here goes.
I love that I'm kind, decent, and loyal. Typically, I'd rather show you these things than tell them to you because anyone can give lip service like this. But, really... who actually backs it up? Anyhow... If you need something, and I'm able to give it, you can count on it. I will always try to be fair, non-judgmental, and will try my hardest to see your point of view, even if I don't agree. As far as loyalty goes, I feel this is the thing I love most about myself. If you're my friend, you're my friend, bottom line. If someone hurts you, they hurt me. I have your back, no matter what. I'm not one of those people who refuse to take sides. Unless the other offending party is also a good friend of mine, ya know? I will never say, "well, such-and-such never did anything to me, so I won't dislike him/her". Nope... if they harm you, they've harmed me.
That's me, and I love my loyalty.
Since I'll be working/traveling all day tomorrow, I'm going to get ahead a bit.
Hmmmm... So, we're going to go from hate to love? Well... here goes.
I love that I'm kind, decent, and loyal. Typically, I'd rather show you these things than tell them to you because anyone can give lip service like this. But, really... who actually backs it up? Anyhow... If you need something, and I'm able to give it, you can count on it. I will always try to be fair, non-judgmental, and will try my hardest to see your point of view, even if I don't agree. As far as loyalty goes, I feel this is the thing I love most about myself. If you're my friend, you're my friend, bottom line. If someone hurts you, they hurt me. I have your back, no matter what. I'm not one of those people who refuse to take sides. Unless the other offending party is also a good friend of mine, ya know? I will never say, "well, such-and-such never did anything to me, so I won't dislike him/her". Nope... if they harm you, they've harmed me.
That's me, and I love my loyalty.
30 Days of Truth (Day 1)
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself:
Well... I've come to a place in life where I've tried, and have mostly succeeded, to put the self-loathing bullshit out of my life. For the most part, I like me, who I am, and who I have become. I've grown more in the past 5 years than I have in the 36 years I'd lived prior. Now, I take the good with the bad and accept it as the totality of who I am. Most days, I'm able to look at myself and call it good. Yes... that's what's become important to me. Not "do YOU like me?", but "Do I like me?" Because, guess what? I will be a harsher critic than you or Jehova will ever dream of being.
Still and all... Sometimes the thoughts creep in. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?
I guess I hate that I will entertain the thoughts when I'm feeling hormonal. I hate that I allow loneliness to overcome me and make me feel less than. I hate that I over-analyze things certain people say. I hate that I struggle with needing to know what tomorrow will hold, that, sometimes, I just can't focus on right now. I hate that I question myself. I made a choice. What if I made the wrong choice? What's going to happen if I chose wrong? What if I fucked up yet again? It's all fucking kinds of complicated in my head, but it boils down to ... what if I'm wrong? I mean, I guess I'll deal with it, pick up, and move on with my day, but, yeah, it's going to suck. Can I deal with another moment of suckiness after all the suckiness I've encountered thusfar? Now? Just when I'm actually happy with me, who I am, and with my life?
See? I question myself. I just want to have faith in my ability to do what's right for me. I chose, now can't I just enjoy the moment?
I hate that I do this to myself.
Well... I've come to a place in life where I've tried, and have mostly succeeded, to put the self-loathing bullshit out of my life. For the most part, I like me, who I am, and who I have become. I've grown more in the past 5 years than I have in the 36 years I'd lived prior. Now, I take the good with the bad and accept it as the totality of who I am. Most days, I'm able to look at myself and call it good. Yes... that's what's become important to me. Not "do YOU like me?", but "Do I like me?" Because, guess what? I will be a harsher critic than you or Jehova will ever dream of being.
Still and all... Sometimes the thoughts creep in. I mean, nobody's perfect, right?
I guess I hate that I will entertain the thoughts when I'm feeling hormonal. I hate that I allow loneliness to overcome me and make me feel less than. I hate that I over-analyze things certain people say. I hate that I struggle with needing to know what tomorrow will hold, that, sometimes, I just can't focus on right now. I hate that I question myself. I made a choice. What if I made the wrong choice? What's going to happen if I chose wrong? What if I fucked up yet again? It's all fucking kinds of complicated in my head, but it boils down to ... what if I'm wrong? I mean, I guess I'll deal with it, pick up, and move on with my day, but, yeah, it's going to suck. Can I deal with another moment of suckiness after all the suckiness I've encountered thusfar? Now? Just when I'm actually happy with me, who I am, and with my life?
See? I question myself. I just want to have faith in my ability to do what's right for me. I chose, now can't I just enjoy the moment?
I hate that I do this to myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)