Random Thoughts

Since Cristy posted hers, it inspired me to share mine.

No carbs isn't working as well for me as it did before. I'm going to change up the diet some over the course of the weekend. I'm thinking of going with a whole foods approach. We'll see how it looks when I visit Earth Fare probably on Sunday.

People who bully others piss me off. You don't dump on someone about anything other than what they actually did to YOU. You don't berate, piss, and moan about everything that person supposedly did to everyone else on the planet. Shit... stick with what directly affects you.

I wish I could get away with going to work dressed like a hooker like this one broad at work does. Well, no, I don't wish I could. I wouldn't inflict my flab and rolls on my co-workers, most of whom, I like.

I'm so excited about my new yoga adventures.

I've finally learned. I hope the universe doesn't put me through this same lesson again. Genuinely, I get it now. I'm done. I'm leaving it alone now. Hot stoves ALWAYS burn.

I like slowly sipping this strawberry flavored fizzy water I bought at Walmart this evening. It kind of reminds me of wine or something. I love that it's 0 calories, 0 carbs, etc. Don't worry, I don't fool myself into thinking I'm drinking water. I still have my 96oz of water daily.

I really like Jessica. I'm glad we've become friends. I've wanted to make peace for a long time, but friends? That's so much more than I hoped for and it's awesome.

I got two dresses at Burlington last night. They're cute. Now let's see if I'm brave enough to actually wear the one out somewhere. The other one's for my cousin's wedding.

I think I'm done rambling now. I need to go and start getting over it. Now I know, for sure and for certain, it will happen this time. I don't need to wonder anymore. I know I tried, I know it isn't my fault. I know.

Epic Fail

My plan was to get my ass up out of bed and start my new exercise routine today. I had planned to start it with my Pilates dvd. Here I remain, on my bed, with my laptop, knowing full well what I should be doing and doing none of it. I can't even lie and say something hurts as an excuse because I feel fine.

What in the hell is my problem? I know the drill. I know what to do and how to do it. I just can't make myself move.

Well, I have another chance tonight, after work. I could go to the gym and spend some time on the elliptical machine. Will I? Who knows? I just know that I'm pissing me off, but not enough to get off this bed right this second.

I think I'm broken. Anyone have any super glue?

Skin Deep?

I always try to be a realist, you know, to see things as they truly are rather than seeing what I want something to be or what I wish it was rather than what it really is. Problem is? This makes me feel like I'm becoming jaded and negative about the world around me, and it's kind of a shame.

I'm reading a book, Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray". Upon meeting Mr. Gray, one of the characters admonishes Dorian to savor his youth and exquisite beauty while he can. Basically, he tells this chap to get by on his looks because no one will pay him any mind once he's old and has lost his looks. He tells him things tantamount to, "things are easier and people are kinder when you're young and beautiful." Another way to look at it is, "get it while the gettin' is good."

At first, I found this to be kind of shallow and offensive. The more I thought of it, however, the more I found the character's sentiments and, ultimately, Oscar Wilde's, to be, well, as much as I hate to say it, they're true. I don't think this makes any of us (the character, Oscar, or myself) particularly shallow either. It's just a matter of keeping it real and being honest about the world around us. I guess my issue was with an actual literary piece putting such a concept out there like that. Isn't it bad to be shallow and narcissistic? Isn't literature supposed to be idealistic? Isn't it supposed to teach us how we should be? What we should strive to obtain? What the hell, Oscar? What gives? Just know that, right now, I dig the hell out of you. Thank you for showing the world the ugly side of things. Because, yes, you are right. Things are easier when you're pretty.

We all have varying ideas of what beauty is, and those ideals are not what I'm speaking of. There are people out there who are, empirically, beautiful people, and their paths are a lot less challenging than that of us common folk. You know, those of us with noses just a hair too long, who are prematurely graying or balding, those of us with a few extra pounds... You know the drill. We have to work harder to get what we want, and is that really fair or right? No. It isn't. Still... that's the way it is. We have to cultivate our skills of persuasion and charm in order to make our way or to make people look beyond the surface of what our exterior conveys. We have to have the talent to make someone see, "sure, I'm a chubby girl, but I'm smart, funny, kind, and giving, so it's worth your while to know me."

Is that a shame, or do we have an advantage? Sometimes, I get tired of working harder than the "beautiful people". I'm glad to know that, even if everyone else rips this blog to shreds with their idealism, at least I know Oscar Wilde gets it.

Today

Today, I hate myself for what I have allowed myself to become. Please spare me the, "oh, you're beautiful," for they would be wasted words I simply would not hear or believe. To me, I am about as far from beautiful as Akron is from China.

A friend told me the other day about self-loathing. We got off on another tangent of conversation, but I wanted to go back and tell her that I knew what she meant. Then again, maybe I was right not to. It's hard to know what's right and what isn't. Anyhow, I hate me again, and it's time to do something about it. I did it before, and I know I can do it again.

I wonder how much better I can get in the 314 days remaining until I very well could... well... let's save that fear for another time. 317 days until my next birthday. I wonder what I can do before then.

Some kind of something

I've been wanting to sit down and just write for so long. It seems, however, that I have this huge block inside of my head that won't allow my thoughts to just flow. I can't seem to identify the source of the block, and, when I sit down to try, I just get frustrated and stop. This has caused me to not even bother trying. Is that good? No. Is that acceptable to me? Not anymore. Problem is that I've not dealt with a lot of issues in my life in what I deem to be an adequate fashion. I've swept a lot of things under the rug because I hate conflict and drama. Too often, I let things get to the point of no return, and then I simply just walk away.

Today, I'm compelled to talk about things people have done. I think, by far, this year, the most hurtful word used to describe me is selfish. What? Really? selfish? That one word said by that one person has done more damage and stands out far more than the other dozens of people in my life who knows that I am FAR from selfish. I stopped to think, though, have I acted selfishly toward this person? I guess maybe certain behaviors, while not intended to be selfish, could be construed that way. See... that's what I do, I look within and try to see if there's a point to what someone is telling me because I don't think anyone would say shit like that to me for no reason. So... I've come to the conclusion that, sure, I may have acted selfishly. Now comes the time for me to ask myself why. Why have I acted that way toward someone I considered a good friend?

See... With me, you get what you give. I'm sure one would agree that I never begin my relationships, any of them, in a selfish fashion, and if I suddenly become that way, then there's a reason for it. If I'm acting like a bitch, it's because I've been treated bitchily (is that even a word? haha). If I'm acting like I don't care, it's because that's the treatment I've received. If I'm treating you selfishly, it's because you've treated me selfishly.

This realization has caused me to take pause and think. Why do I let these relationships get so far that I'm perpetuating negative behavior? I question myself too much. I try to understand my friends, at first. "Wow... did she/he really just treat me selfishly, or am I just imagining it. Maybe that's not really what it is..." or I give them the benefit of the doubt, "well, they're not usually like this, so I'll let it slide." or "they're just going to deny it because they think they can do no wrong, so why bother saying anything, and there are more important things about this person that makes him/her a good friend, so I'll just disregard it..." and the shit builds up and builds up and builds up, and I begin reacting.

Point is... if you're experiencing a negative behavior from ME, it's because I've received it from YOU. I know this to be true for two reasons: First: I'm able to look honestly at myself and see me for who I am. Just because you aren't doesn't take away from the validity of my point. Second: There are MORE than a lot of people who don't see me that way at all, so why just you?

Why do I let it get that far? Because I try to accept my friends for who they are. I try my hardest to not judge them. Because I know that one character flaw or even two or three does not make him/her a horrible person. Even seeing those things as I do, I have NEVER withheld my friendship from anyone. My flaw? I should talk to people more. "you've just been an asshole to me, and I don't appreciate it. I'm doing this so that, in the long run, I don't start treating you like you're treating me." But, then again... Very few people will actually man-up or... woman-up and admit they've been a jerk. I guess this is what puts me ahead of the game. I will look within, I will see and acknowledge how I've just caused someone to feel bad.

I'm done with this rant, and I'm done with feeling this way. Time to get on with the day. This has been on my mind for about 3-4 months now. I'm glad I've dumped it out. Today, it feels better, and that's what matters.

Change

I posed the question on Facebook, "why am I afraid to change?" and everyone took off with the assumption that I'm afraid OF change, which, to me, is different. If you're the type of person who can't see that there's a difference here, then you should probably stop reading my blog now. It may seem a game of semantics, but it's really not when you take the time to get to know me and the issues I face on a constant basis.

I know change is necessary. I know it happens with or without my approval/permission. I know it is the one constant. I know all of that.

I have come to the realization that I NEED some changes in my life. I know that it won't be easy. I know that I have to just do it. Yet, I haven't. I'm afraid to, and I am wondering why? I already know about the comfort of sticking with what's familiar and all that other horse shit. Someone tell me something substantial, or just... have my back and say, "yeah, I can relate." I'm frustrated, but I suppose that's what I get for posting my innermost feelings on a social networking website. This blog, to me, is different because of the limited exposure. If you can or will read this, I at least give somewhat of a shit what you think.

I know me... I'll take the leap. I will end up where I need to be. I'm not stagnating. I'm not. I won't. I can't. It's not my way. I'm a tough broad. I've got this.

Growth Chart

I remember, back in high school, when I was dating the boy who would become my ex husband. One day, I was walking through the hallway over at his house, and I noticed these marks on the door jamb leading into his bedroom. I asked his mom what they were. She explained to me that these were marks that indicated my ex's growth over the years from the time he was old enough to stand up. "How nice," I thought, "a measure of time and growth, the process of getting from there to here." I then wished that someone had thought to do that for me as a child, but no one ever had. Though no one had ever thought to record it, I have definitely grown over the course of time, and, just recently, I was presented with the proof of it.

Currently, I find myself in a situation where I need to move. Let me not get caught up in the myriad reasons I hate moving and focus, instead, on the fact that the need to move has caused me to have to root through a lot of old things and clear up a lot of clutter, both figuratively and literally. This is why, last night, I found myself sitting in my dining room cleaning out a drawer full of old papers I'd accumulated over the past 6 years or so.

In the course of my cleaning, I came across several old letters I'd written to an ex (not the aforementioned ex husband). Out of curiosity, I read them. I was so dismayed by what I saw. I couldn't even believe that I had written that drivel. Who was that girl? Who was this person who was begging someone who simply couldn't be bothered, to talk to her? Was that ME? Why on earth was I begging an emotional invalid to put as much into a relationship as I was putting in? Why on earth was I inviting head games and misery into my life?

Suddenly, I got very angry. I was angry that I wasted such a large part of my life on bullshit like that. Why did I need to beg someone for something that should just be given in a genuinely loving and caring relationship? Why did I remain in this relationship that was, quite painfully obviously, completely and utterly unfulfilling?

Who knows?

What I do know is that I am no longer that girl. I really hadn't thought I changed all that much over the past 6 or 7 years, but, looking at those letters made me see I had.

I'm a better person
I'm a better friend
I'm a better everything

better yet?

I know I will NEVER again settle on that kind of nonsense being in my life. I look back at who I was then, and, wow, there have been a lot of changes. I've turned my back on other situations that haven't fully satisfied me. I've not accepted sub-human treatment from anyone. I know when to cut my losses and leave.

Growth? You bet. I'm willing to wager I've gained at least a foot and a half. ;-)