Growth Chart

I remember, back in high school, when I was dating the boy who would become my ex husband. One day, I was walking through the hallway over at his house, and I noticed these marks on the door jamb leading into his bedroom. I asked his mom what they were. She explained to me that these were marks that indicated my ex's growth over the years from the time he was old enough to stand up. "How nice," I thought, "a measure of time and growth, the process of getting from there to here." I then wished that someone had thought to do that for me as a child, but no one ever had. Though no one had ever thought to record it, I have definitely grown over the course of time, and, just recently, I was presented with the proof of it.

Currently, I find myself in a situation where I need to move. Let me not get caught up in the myriad reasons I hate moving and focus, instead, on the fact that the need to move has caused me to have to root through a lot of old things and clear up a lot of clutter, both figuratively and literally. This is why, last night, I found myself sitting in my dining room cleaning out a drawer full of old papers I'd accumulated over the past 6 years or so.

In the course of my cleaning, I came across several old letters I'd written to an ex (not the aforementioned ex husband). Out of curiosity, I read them. I was so dismayed by what I saw. I couldn't even believe that I had written that drivel. Who was that girl? Who was this person who was begging someone who simply couldn't be bothered, to talk to her? Was that ME? Why on earth was I begging an emotional invalid to put as much into a relationship as I was putting in? Why on earth was I inviting head games and misery into my life?

Suddenly, I got very angry. I was angry that I wasted such a large part of my life on bullshit like that. Why did I need to beg someone for something that should just be given in a genuinely loving and caring relationship? Why did I remain in this relationship that was, quite painfully obviously, completely and utterly unfulfilling?

Who knows?

What I do know is that I am no longer that girl. I really hadn't thought I changed all that much over the past 6 or 7 years, but, looking at those letters made me see I had.

I'm a better person
I'm a better friend
I'm a better everything

better yet?

I know I will NEVER again settle on that kind of nonsense being in my life. I look back at who I was then, and, wow, there have been a lot of changes. I've turned my back on other situations that haven't fully satisfied me. I've not accepted sub-human treatment from anyone. I know when to cut my losses and leave.

Growth? You bet. I'm willing to wager I've gained at least a foot and a half. ;-)