We'll name it later

So much for writing something every day.  For months now, I've been trying that "wake up every morning and make yourself do something you need/want to do" piece of advice that I read somewhere on the internet.  For months now, I've failed miserably.

One of my friends suggested writing about how I have nothing to say.  Isn't that kind of Seinfeld-ish?  I don't know, but I know, after giving the notion considerable thought, that I still have plenty to say.  My audience is what concerns me.  People don't seem to grow, learn, or care enough to think outside the box of their own existence.  People lack the ability and desire to use that most valuable tool... perspective... in order to see a slice of life from any view other than their own.  I guess folks think that, if they acknowledge that there's another way out there, that must mean one option is "right" and another is "wrong".  Maybe that's the case in some instances but not in every instance.  Well... maybe I'm at a point in life where I simply don't want to argue with ignorant people anymore.

and it all boils down to this.

when I struggled with my life, I saw all these people around me who seemed to "get it", and I resented the hell out of them.  It seemed so easy for them.  They were my age or older, they weren't struggling, and they seemed to have a grasp on all those little life secrets that made everything so fucking grand.  They'd spew forth some pearl of wisdom from time to time, and I'd sit there and think how full of shit they were... they made it seem sooooo easy, and it just HAD to be something a lot more complex than that... at least for MY life because they'd never had the same struggles I had experienced...  but...

one day, something clicked.

and I began to see that most of them were right.  not only for their own lives, but for mine as well because, in essence, how different was it truly?  and... yeah... it really was that simple.  that realization made me feel kind of stupid.  on the surface, many of these things I've learned, many of the tools I've used in my growth and learning process have been relatively simple... why was I so dismissive of it?  why had I been so hard-headed about acknowledging that my struggle was not exclusive to me?

I guess I think if some hard-headed dipshit like myself can eventually "get it", then everyone else should be able to.  That's just not the case, and I need to realize I can't force that to happen for others.  I think that's where I am now.  I think I need to sit back and remember those who value it.

perspective.

I'll be forever grateful for it.

State of The Dissy

Last night, Cakey and I were talking about something he'd read in a book we got at the bookstore yesterday.  We were talking about the mind, thoughts, and how damaging the act of thinking could be.  The book suggested that, when we start to think, we simply become an observer of our thoughts.  I'm not sure why the conversation upset me so much, but I ended up a crying heap on the couch.  I guess, if I take an objective look, it's because I wonder if I'll ever learn to stop fucking myself up with my thoughts.  Sure... it's a possibility.  I guess.  Maybe.

No matter what you try to do with other people, it really sucks feeling like you're the only one who wants it.  I'm trying to put together a group of like-minded friends to do things together, to grow and learn in our practices and faith.  It feels like pulling teeth to get an ounce of energy from anyone who isn't me.  Why am I always in "that" role?  The one for whom nothing can happen smoothly and easily.  Always, always I have to prove to the universe how badly I want it.  I don't think I've ever been that person who has taken things for granted.  Maybe it's from a past life or something.  Funny...  it's always the things that matter the most to me that don't come easily.  I mean, shit... it took me how long to find my true mate?

The mood I'm currently in...  Well...  I guess I'll try to observe my thoughts.  Maybe I can develop this skill.  Who knows?  I wonder if the person who came up with this fantastic peace-finding tactic was a female, and, if so, how did she handle the goddamn hormones?

I thought I avoided PMS this month.  I guess it's going to be the variety that shows up after the fact, though.  Plus, it didn't really help matters that shit started about a week early.

Well... I have to go now.  It's later than I intended, and there's that job.  Maybe that woman at the psych eval was right.  Maybe I'm depressed.

Cats, bags, and whatnot

One of my resolutions was to work on getting myself into a shape that is not "round".  After living my history and seeing my future and where that is heading, I made a decision to look into bariatric surgery.

Was this decision made easier by knowing people who have had this done and have had wonderful success with it?  I'd be lying if I said no.  The thing is?  Sometimes others show things to us we may not have thought of before.  Sometimes the example of another shows us there is a way out of feeling despair over a situation you feel you have no control over.

I'm never going to be one of those people.  I'm never going to accept myself the way that I am.  Everyone else does, but I don't.  I have learned, over time, that I'm the one with the issues about my body.  I guess it took meeting Michael to make me realize that.  I know he sees beyond all this blobbiness I have.  I know he loves me exactly the way I am right this very minute.  The thing is?  I don't.  Now I know that.  I thought if I met someone who loved me as I am that it would, somehow, cause me to do the same.  I know now that this simply isn't true.

I've had my doctor tell me, not so long ago, that, if I don't watch it, I'm going to start getting sick because of this extra weight.  The kinds of sickness I will get could ultimately cause my death.  That scared the shit out of me for a while, and I busted my ass, yet again, for a while, and, yet again, I let it all go only to end up worse off than I was to begin with.  I can feel my health deteriorating.  I'm tired of having no energy.  I'm tired of always worrying about my rolls showing.  I'm tired of thinking if I'm so disguated with myself then everyone else should be too.  Anywho...

I've done a lot of reasearch, and believe me, it's far from the easy way out.  Those of you who can have success with modifying your food and exercising for a while, well, I'm happy for you.  What you will be able to do that I won't be able to do is break your diet and binge on a pizza for the evening and get back on your wagon the next morning.  I won't ever be able to do that again.

My consultation is this Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to getting started.  I'm looking forward to progress.

Balance

Day 36

I think I compartmentalize my life way too much.  Only the big areas, though.  I mean, I don't do it over random stuff...  just the big stuff...  you know... work, love life, spiritual life.  Those are the big 3 for me.  It seems, though, when one of those areas are going well, the other two suffer or stagnate.

A while back, I asked the universe if I was allowed to have it all...  you know...  success in all three big aspects of my life.  My answer was favorable.  Now... how in the world do I make this happen?  How do I find a way to balance the three and allow the success I'm enjoying in one area to flood into the others?

Love life?  it's great.  finally.

spiritual life?  I've felt blocked for a long time, but I'm actually starting to work on that.  I really feel like we may be getting somewhere, too.  I'm feeling more hopeful about it than I have in a long time.

work life?  I don't know what to say about that.  I love the company I work for.  I love the people I work for.  I guess I just feel like I'm about to max out.  Kind of like how I felt when I transferred into the department I'm in now.  The one I came from?  there was no room to learn more, do more, get better, or grow.  I'm not claiming perfection.  I guess maybe it just isn't much of a challenge anymore?

I don't know... I need to figure out how to make everything blend nicely together.  I need to.  This isn't a want.  that's for sure.

Futility

Day 34

I want to say so many things...  but what would the point be?  To make myself feel better?  Sometimes, you have to stop and ask yourself if the fallout will be worth it.  It hardly ever is.  Stupidity will always rise up and attempt to defend itself.  No matter what.  So, sometimes, no matter what you say or do, it's best to just shut the fuck up, suck it up, and get on with your day.

not much again

Day 29

Today was kind of blah.

I wish I could snap out of this.  It's depressing, really.

fe fi fo fum.

Day 27

It seems like I come up with something interesting about every other day.  Today is not that day.  :\  Today, I felt pretty cruddy in the head.  blah.  Ah well...  That's enough of that.  Good night.  Early work day tomorrow.