Last night, Cakey and I were talking about something he'd read in a book we got at the bookstore yesterday. We were talking about the mind, thoughts, and how damaging the act of thinking could be. The book suggested that, when we start to think, we simply become an observer of our thoughts. I'm not sure why the conversation upset me so much, but I ended up a crying heap on the couch. I guess, if I take an objective look, it's because I wonder if I'll ever learn to stop fucking myself up with my thoughts. Sure... it's a possibility. I guess. Maybe.
No matter what you try to do with other people, it really sucks feeling like you're the only one who wants it. I'm trying to put together a group of like-minded friends to do things together, to grow and learn in our practices and faith. It feels like pulling teeth to get an ounce of energy from anyone who isn't me. Why am I always in "that" role? The one for whom nothing can happen smoothly and easily. Always, always I have to prove to the universe how badly I want it. I don't think I've ever been that person who has taken things for granted. Maybe it's from a past life or something. Funny... it's always the things that matter the most to me that don't come easily. I mean, shit... it took me how long to find my true mate?
The mood I'm currently in... Well... I guess I'll try to observe my thoughts. Maybe I can develop this skill. Who knows? I wonder if the person who came up with this fantastic peace-finding tactic was a female, and, if so, how did she handle the goddamn hormones?
I thought I avoided PMS this month. I guess it's going to be the variety that shows up after the fact, though. Plus, it didn't really help matters that shit started about a week early.
Well... I have to go now. It's later than I intended, and there's that job. Maybe that woman at the psych eval was right. Maybe I'm depressed.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Cats, bags, and whatnot
One of my resolutions was to work on getting myself into a shape that is not "round". After living my history and seeing my future and where that is heading, I made a decision to look into bariatric surgery.
Was this decision made easier by knowing people who have had this done and have had wonderful success with it? I'd be lying if I said no. The thing is? Sometimes others show things to us we may not have thought of before. Sometimes the example of another shows us there is a way out of feeling despair over a situation you feel you have no control over.
I'm never going to be one of those people. I'm never going to accept myself the way that I am. Everyone else does, but I don't. I have learned, over time, that I'm the one with the issues about my body. I guess it took meeting Michael to make me realize that. I know he sees beyond all this blobbiness I have. I know he loves me exactly the way I am right this very minute. The thing is? I don't. Now I know that. I thought if I met someone who loved me as I am that it would, somehow, cause me to do the same. I know now that this simply isn't true.
I've had my doctor tell me, not so long ago, that, if I don't watch it, I'm going to start getting sick because of this extra weight. The kinds of sickness I will get could ultimately cause my death. That scared the shit out of me for a while, and I busted my ass, yet again, for a while, and, yet again, I let it all go only to end up worse off than I was to begin with. I can feel my health deteriorating. I'm tired of having no energy. I'm tired of always worrying about my rolls showing. I'm tired of thinking if I'm so disguated with myself then everyone else should be too. Anywho...
I've done a lot of reasearch, and believe me, it's far from the easy way out. Those of you who can have success with modifying your food and exercising for a while, well, I'm happy for you. What you will be able to do that I won't be able to do is break your diet and binge on a pizza for the evening and get back on your wagon the next morning. I won't ever be able to do that again.
My consultation is this Wednesday. I'm looking forward to getting started. I'm looking forward to progress.
Was this decision made easier by knowing people who have had this done and have had wonderful success with it? I'd be lying if I said no. The thing is? Sometimes others show things to us we may not have thought of before. Sometimes the example of another shows us there is a way out of feeling despair over a situation you feel you have no control over.
I'm never going to be one of those people. I'm never going to accept myself the way that I am. Everyone else does, but I don't. I have learned, over time, that I'm the one with the issues about my body. I guess it took meeting Michael to make me realize that. I know he sees beyond all this blobbiness I have. I know he loves me exactly the way I am right this very minute. The thing is? I don't. Now I know that. I thought if I met someone who loved me as I am that it would, somehow, cause me to do the same. I know now that this simply isn't true.
I've had my doctor tell me, not so long ago, that, if I don't watch it, I'm going to start getting sick because of this extra weight. The kinds of sickness I will get could ultimately cause my death. That scared the shit out of me for a while, and I busted my ass, yet again, for a while, and, yet again, I let it all go only to end up worse off than I was to begin with. I can feel my health deteriorating. I'm tired of having no energy. I'm tired of always worrying about my rolls showing. I'm tired of thinking if I'm so disguated with myself then everyone else should be too. Anywho...
I've done a lot of reasearch, and believe me, it's far from the easy way out. Those of you who can have success with modifying your food and exercising for a while, well, I'm happy for you. What you will be able to do that I won't be able to do is break your diet and binge on a pizza for the evening and get back on your wagon the next morning. I won't ever be able to do that again.
My consultation is this Wednesday. I'm looking forward to getting started. I'm looking forward to progress.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Balance
Day 36
I think I compartmentalize my life way too much. Only the big areas, though. I mean, I don't do it over random stuff... just the big stuff... you know... work, love life, spiritual life. Those are the big 3 for me. It seems, though, when one of those areas are going well, the other two suffer or stagnate.
A while back, I asked the universe if I was allowed to have it all... you know... success in all three big aspects of my life. My answer was favorable. Now... how in the world do I make this happen? How do I find a way to balance the three and allow the success I'm enjoying in one area to flood into the others?
Love life? it's great. finally.
spiritual life? I've felt blocked for a long time, but I'm actually starting to work on that. I really feel like we may be getting somewhere, too. I'm feeling more hopeful about it than I have in a long time.
work life? I don't know what to say about that. I love the company I work for. I love the people I work for. I guess I just feel like I'm about to max out. Kind of like how I felt when I transferred into the department I'm in now. The one I came from? there was no room to learn more, do more, get better, or grow. I'm not claiming perfection. I guess maybe it just isn't much of a challenge anymore?
I don't know... I need to figure out how to make everything blend nicely together. I need to. This isn't a want. that's for sure.
I think I compartmentalize my life way too much. Only the big areas, though. I mean, I don't do it over random stuff... just the big stuff... you know... work, love life, spiritual life. Those are the big 3 for me. It seems, though, when one of those areas are going well, the other two suffer or stagnate.
A while back, I asked the universe if I was allowed to have it all... you know... success in all three big aspects of my life. My answer was favorable. Now... how in the world do I make this happen? How do I find a way to balance the three and allow the success I'm enjoying in one area to flood into the others?
Love life? it's great. finally.
spiritual life? I've felt blocked for a long time, but I'm actually starting to work on that. I really feel like we may be getting somewhere, too. I'm feeling more hopeful about it than I have in a long time.
work life? I don't know what to say about that. I love the company I work for. I love the people I work for. I guess I just feel like I'm about to max out. Kind of like how I felt when I transferred into the department I'm in now. The one I came from? there was no room to learn more, do more, get better, or grow. I'm not claiming perfection. I guess maybe it just isn't much of a challenge anymore?
I don't know... I need to figure out how to make everything blend nicely together. I need to. This isn't a want. that's for sure.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Futility
Day 34
I want to say so many things... but what would the point be? To make myself feel better? Sometimes, you have to stop and ask yourself if the fallout will be worth it. It hardly ever is. Stupidity will always rise up and attempt to defend itself. No matter what. So, sometimes, no matter what you say or do, it's best to just shut the fuck up, suck it up, and get on with your day.
I want to say so many things... but what would the point be? To make myself feel better? Sometimes, you have to stop and ask yourself if the fallout will be worth it. It hardly ever is. Stupidity will always rise up and attempt to defend itself. No matter what. So, sometimes, no matter what you say or do, it's best to just shut the fuck up, suck it up, and get on with your day.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
not much again
Day 29
Today was kind of blah.
I wish I could snap out of this. It's depressing, really.
Today was kind of blah.
I wish I could snap out of this. It's depressing, really.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
fe fi fo fum.
Day 27
It seems like I come up with something interesting about every other day. Today is not that day. :\ Today, I felt pretty cruddy in the head. blah. Ah well... That's enough of that. Good night. Early work day tomorrow.
It seems like I come up with something interesting about every other day. Today is not that day. :\ Today, I felt pretty cruddy in the head. blah. Ah well... That's enough of that. Good night. Early work day tomorrow.
Monday, January 27, 2014
A Good Reason
Day 27
I think once you've been ON a particular wagon and have fallen off that wagon, it is harder to get back on than it was for you to get on it the first time.
Whether you're going through rehab of some kind, any kind really, or some kind of personal growth experience, it's all the same, essentially. You make changes and get well because you've slammed face first into a brick wall, or, you know, hit rock bottom as some prefer to say. There's nowhere to go from there but up. You realize the need to fix yourself, to change, or to get well... however you want to put it. And you're told, all along the way, that the "correct" reason to change is for yourself and, that if you do it for any other reason, it's not valid.
A lot of people are prone to relapsing, though, and it's rough when you already know the "answers" so to speak. It's, likely, even more rough to fix it the second or third time around because you already know the goddamn answers. The thing is? Once you know them, it's easier to talk your way around them.
"I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to make myself do those things."
Why?
"I have to do this for me and not because I'm jeopardizing everything I have including my LIFE by engaging in this lifestyle because then I'd be doing it for you or for this or for that or for something else, and it has to be for ME"
Is it because we never genuinely stop hating ourselves? Is it because we only accepted the words and deeds we were handed by others about how it's "supposed" to be done as truth and never truly, in the pit of our souls, believed it?
"no.. no... it works to do it that way. I just went off course."
I call bullshit. I call bullshit on MYSELF and on everyone else who has said that before. If it's such a valid method, this teaching of self love and self acceptance that supposedly "helps" people cope, then how come that love we learn rarely lasts? How come we can't maintain that without others, be it a therapist or some kind of support group, telling us that this is what we need to be doing? We aren't doing these things because they're truly the "correct" thing to be doing. We're doing them because someone else is telling us they are correct, and why would we rather do these things because a stranger tells us so than for someone who loves us and cares about us, you know, if we won't ever TRULY do it for ourselves? That's really what it comes down to... Regardless of how that information is being handed to you, regardless of how humbly or professionally it's being delivered, that is the message. "this is how you do it."
Then there's that need to do it "our own way".
I haven't always gotten what I wanted on my own terms. A lot of compromise and acceptance of what was went into who I am. Eventually, I had to stop whining about that and just be glad that, regardless of how I've gotten what I have, I do have it.
Case in point... I wanted to be the one to end "that" relationship. I had it all planned out, what I was going to say, all the reasons I was going to give... I had it all worked out, right down to that FINAL "fuck off", and THAT would give me the resolution I needed. THAT would make the end "real". Well... It didn't quite go down that way, and, for a while, I was a little messed up in my head. Then I realized... hey... regardless of how this went down, I'm STILL away from the most toxic person I've ever met. I'm STILL getting better every day. I'm STILL not having to deal with incessant drama and bullshit. Hey... you know what? I'm going to call it good.
Probably, I'll be visiting this kind of topic a lot. I'm trying to figure out why I'm so messed up. I've already done this the way "they" told me to do it, for the reasons "they" told me were "correct". I already know the answers. That's making it more difficult, and I'm working my way through it.
I think once you've been ON a particular wagon and have fallen off that wagon, it is harder to get back on than it was for you to get on it the first time.
Whether you're going through rehab of some kind, any kind really, or some kind of personal growth experience, it's all the same, essentially. You make changes and get well because you've slammed face first into a brick wall, or, you know, hit rock bottom as some prefer to say. There's nowhere to go from there but up. You realize the need to fix yourself, to change, or to get well... however you want to put it. And you're told, all along the way, that the "correct" reason to change is for yourself and, that if you do it for any other reason, it's not valid.
A lot of people are prone to relapsing, though, and it's rough when you already know the "answers" so to speak. It's, likely, even more rough to fix it the second or third time around because you already know the goddamn answers. The thing is? Once you know them, it's easier to talk your way around them.
"I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to make myself do those things."
Why?
"I have to do this for me and not because I'm jeopardizing everything I have including my LIFE by engaging in this lifestyle because then I'd be doing it for you or for this or for that or for something else, and it has to be for ME"
Is it because we never genuinely stop hating ourselves? Is it because we only accepted the words and deeds we were handed by others about how it's "supposed" to be done as truth and never truly, in the pit of our souls, believed it?
"no.. no... it works to do it that way. I just went off course."
I call bullshit. I call bullshit on MYSELF and on everyone else who has said that before. If it's such a valid method, this teaching of self love and self acceptance that supposedly "helps" people cope, then how come that love we learn rarely lasts? How come we can't maintain that without others, be it a therapist or some kind of support group, telling us that this is what we need to be doing? We aren't doing these things because they're truly the "correct" thing to be doing. We're doing them because someone else is telling us they are correct, and why would we rather do these things because a stranger tells us so than for someone who loves us and cares about us, you know, if we won't ever TRULY do it for ourselves? That's really what it comes down to... Regardless of how that information is being handed to you, regardless of how humbly or professionally it's being delivered, that is the message. "this is how you do it."
Then there's that need to do it "our own way".
I haven't always gotten what I wanted on my own terms. A lot of compromise and acceptance of what was went into who I am. Eventually, I had to stop whining about that and just be glad that, regardless of how I've gotten what I have, I do have it.
Case in point... I wanted to be the one to end "that" relationship. I had it all planned out, what I was going to say, all the reasons I was going to give... I had it all worked out, right down to that FINAL "fuck off", and THAT would give me the resolution I needed. THAT would make the end "real". Well... It didn't quite go down that way, and, for a while, I was a little messed up in my head. Then I realized... hey... regardless of how this went down, I'm STILL away from the most toxic person I've ever met. I'm STILL getting better every day. I'm STILL not having to deal with incessant drama and bullshit. Hey... you know what? I'm going to call it good.
Probably, I'll be visiting this kind of topic a lot. I'm trying to figure out why I'm so messed up. I've already done this the way "they" told me to do it, for the reasons "they" told me were "correct". I already know the answers. That's making it more difficult, and I'm working my way through it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)