Day 29
Today was kind of blah.
I wish I could snap out of this. It's depressing, really.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
fe fi fo fum.
Day 27
It seems like I come up with something interesting about every other day. Today is not that day. :\ Today, I felt pretty cruddy in the head. blah. Ah well... That's enough of that. Good night. Early work day tomorrow.
It seems like I come up with something interesting about every other day. Today is not that day. :\ Today, I felt pretty cruddy in the head. blah. Ah well... That's enough of that. Good night. Early work day tomorrow.
Monday, January 27, 2014
A Good Reason
Day 27
I think once you've been ON a particular wagon and have fallen off that wagon, it is harder to get back on than it was for you to get on it the first time.
Whether you're going through rehab of some kind, any kind really, or some kind of personal growth experience, it's all the same, essentially. You make changes and get well because you've slammed face first into a brick wall, or, you know, hit rock bottom as some prefer to say. There's nowhere to go from there but up. You realize the need to fix yourself, to change, or to get well... however you want to put it. And you're told, all along the way, that the "correct" reason to change is for yourself and, that if you do it for any other reason, it's not valid.
A lot of people are prone to relapsing, though, and it's rough when you already know the "answers" so to speak. It's, likely, even more rough to fix it the second or third time around because you already know the goddamn answers. The thing is? Once you know them, it's easier to talk your way around them.
"I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to make myself do those things."
Why?
"I have to do this for me and not because I'm jeopardizing everything I have including my LIFE by engaging in this lifestyle because then I'd be doing it for you or for this or for that or for something else, and it has to be for ME"
Is it because we never genuinely stop hating ourselves? Is it because we only accepted the words and deeds we were handed by others about how it's "supposed" to be done as truth and never truly, in the pit of our souls, believed it?
"no.. no... it works to do it that way. I just went off course."
I call bullshit. I call bullshit on MYSELF and on everyone else who has said that before. If it's such a valid method, this teaching of self love and self acceptance that supposedly "helps" people cope, then how come that love we learn rarely lasts? How come we can't maintain that without others, be it a therapist or some kind of support group, telling us that this is what we need to be doing? We aren't doing these things because they're truly the "correct" thing to be doing. We're doing them because someone else is telling us they are correct, and why would we rather do these things because a stranger tells us so than for someone who loves us and cares about us, you know, if we won't ever TRULY do it for ourselves? That's really what it comes down to... Regardless of how that information is being handed to you, regardless of how humbly or professionally it's being delivered, that is the message. "this is how you do it."
Then there's that need to do it "our own way".
I haven't always gotten what I wanted on my own terms. A lot of compromise and acceptance of what was went into who I am. Eventually, I had to stop whining about that and just be glad that, regardless of how I've gotten what I have, I do have it.
Case in point... I wanted to be the one to end "that" relationship. I had it all planned out, what I was going to say, all the reasons I was going to give... I had it all worked out, right down to that FINAL "fuck off", and THAT would give me the resolution I needed. THAT would make the end "real". Well... It didn't quite go down that way, and, for a while, I was a little messed up in my head. Then I realized... hey... regardless of how this went down, I'm STILL away from the most toxic person I've ever met. I'm STILL getting better every day. I'm STILL not having to deal with incessant drama and bullshit. Hey... you know what? I'm going to call it good.
Probably, I'll be visiting this kind of topic a lot. I'm trying to figure out why I'm so messed up. I've already done this the way "they" told me to do it, for the reasons "they" told me were "correct". I already know the answers. That's making it more difficult, and I'm working my way through it.
I think once you've been ON a particular wagon and have fallen off that wagon, it is harder to get back on than it was for you to get on it the first time.
Whether you're going through rehab of some kind, any kind really, or some kind of personal growth experience, it's all the same, essentially. You make changes and get well because you've slammed face first into a brick wall, or, you know, hit rock bottom as some prefer to say. There's nowhere to go from there but up. You realize the need to fix yourself, to change, or to get well... however you want to put it. And you're told, all along the way, that the "correct" reason to change is for yourself and, that if you do it for any other reason, it's not valid.
A lot of people are prone to relapsing, though, and it's rough when you already know the "answers" so to speak. It's, likely, even more rough to fix it the second or third time around because you already know the goddamn answers. The thing is? Once you know them, it's easier to talk your way around them.
"I know what I should be doing, but I just can't seem to make myself do those things."
Why?
"I have to do this for me and not because I'm jeopardizing everything I have including my LIFE by engaging in this lifestyle because then I'd be doing it for you or for this or for that or for something else, and it has to be for ME"
Is it because we never genuinely stop hating ourselves? Is it because we only accepted the words and deeds we were handed by others about how it's "supposed" to be done as truth and never truly, in the pit of our souls, believed it?
"no.. no... it works to do it that way. I just went off course."
I call bullshit. I call bullshit on MYSELF and on everyone else who has said that before. If it's such a valid method, this teaching of self love and self acceptance that supposedly "helps" people cope, then how come that love we learn rarely lasts? How come we can't maintain that without others, be it a therapist or some kind of support group, telling us that this is what we need to be doing? We aren't doing these things because they're truly the "correct" thing to be doing. We're doing them because someone else is telling us they are correct, and why would we rather do these things because a stranger tells us so than for someone who loves us and cares about us, you know, if we won't ever TRULY do it for ourselves? That's really what it comes down to... Regardless of how that information is being handed to you, regardless of how humbly or professionally it's being delivered, that is the message. "this is how you do it."
Then there's that need to do it "our own way".
I haven't always gotten what I wanted on my own terms. A lot of compromise and acceptance of what was went into who I am. Eventually, I had to stop whining about that and just be glad that, regardless of how I've gotten what I have, I do have it.
Case in point... I wanted to be the one to end "that" relationship. I had it all planned out, what I was going to say, all the reasons I was going to give... I had it all worked out, right down to that FINAL "fuck off", and THAT would give me the resolution I needed. THAT would make the end "real". Well... It didn't quite go down that way, and, for a while, I was a little messed up in my head. Then I realized... hey... regardless of how this went down, I'm STILL away from the most toxic person I've ever met. I'm STILL getting better every day. I'm STILL not having to deal with incessant drama and bullshit. Hey... you know what? I'm going to call it good.
Probably, I'll be visiting this kind of topic a lot. I'm trying to figure out why I'm so messed up. I've already done this the way "they" told me to do it, for the reasons "they" told me were "correct". I already know the answers. That's making it more difficult, and I'm working my way through it.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
gr;oewinfhlak
Day 26
I wonder what would happen if I screamed as much as I want to? I don't mean screamed AT someone as much as I mean let out a blood-curdling shriek whenever I felt the need. Seriously... what would happen? Would I ever even shut my mouth?
"don't say that, it isn't very nice" "don't say that, you'll just start drama" "do you really need to go there" "it isn't your fault" "it isn't your problem" "there isn't anything you can do about it." "it isn't your place"
goddamn it.
I wonder what would happen if I screamed as much as I want to? I don't mean screamed AT someone as much as I mean let out a blood-curdling shriek whenever I felt the need. Seriously... what would happen? Would I ever even shut my mouth?
"don't say that, it isn't very nice" "don't say that, you'll just start drama" "do you really need to go there" "it isn't your fault" "it isn't your problem" "there isn't anything you can do about it." "it isn't your place"
goddamn it.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Saturday
Day 25
I'm getting into another one of those moods where I've possibly run out of things to say. That's so hard on me. I love running my mouth. I usually always have something to talk about. BLAH.
I'm getting into another one of those moods where I've possibly run out of things to say. That's so hard on me. I love running my mouth. I usually always have something to talk about. BLAH.
Friday, January 24, 2014
One Month
Day 24
Well, I took the Progesterone until Aunt Flo arrived. I'm not convinced it's going to help me. I felt like total crap the first two days, felt great the next 3 days, and like crap again until yesterday. Then, I felt great for 3 hours and now like crap again.
When will this end? I know I need to get up off my ass and help things along, so why don't I? UGH.
Well, I took the Progesterone until Aunt Flo arrived. I'm not convinced it's going to help me. I felt like total crap the first two days, felt great the next 3 days, and like crap again until yesterday. Then, I felt great for 3 hours and now like crap again.
When will this end? I know I need to get up off my ass and help things along, so why don't I? UGH.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Insomnia
Day 23
What is it that keeps me up at night?
I should have known something was up when I started seeing this chick from my past all over facebook. It's a big internet, and you should be able to maneuver it without rubbing noses with people you really don't like, but, all of a sudden, there she was, mutual friends with several people I know. UGH. Seeing her is never a good sign in my life. She's just a bad omen for me. Then... BAM... notices in the mail regarding a debt that my ex caused for me. Something I can't prove isn't my fault. How do I fix this? He told me, a few years back, that this aspect of it was all taken care of/addressed. If that's accurate, why am I getting a bill in the mail? I bit the bullet and emailed him over it. I dare the motherfucker to ignore me. I will shamelessly post his business all over facebook. He's all about his image, so hopefully, it won't be an issue. UGH. I need to get this off my mind.
Work is stressing me out right now. A LOT more than it should be. I have to maintain my "bubble" regarding it. I work to live. I do not live to work. I have a job that I should not need to bring home with me, yet, here it is keeping me up at night. It's one of those times in my life where it's beyond frustrating. You know what people want from you, but you don't want to give it because they know what you want and they aren't giving it. Acknowledgement... is it really that difficult? I don't think so. I had to write up this formal dispute over something that I shouldn't have been held accountable for. I got this nice "well done" email from my boss, and then my two supervisors were all praising me for how well I did too. Yes. I have a knack for writing, for getting my point across in an effective manner, but is it REALLY such a shock to you that I'm NOT a goddamn idiot? It's one of those things... at first, I was flattered they were impressed by it, but then, after I thought about it, it seemed a backhanded compliment... like "we really didn't expect this much of you." Oh? And I'm sure I'm making WAY too much of that because I'd have been all butt-hurt if none of them HAD said "good job", but ... fuck... I guess it's because I feel so stagnant and icky right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere fast. I get to feeling stagnant, and I start to resent the people around me. This has become second nature for me now, and I see people every day who simply don't get it the way that I do, yet there they are on the same level carrying the same title as me.
Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? Maybe I'd feel better if I could just go buy a Porsche or something. eh... cars never really did it for me. What would I want to buy or do with a mid-life crisis? A total body makeover. Ah yes... doesn't it always boil down to self-image? Right now, I simply don't have a good one. It seems like every opportunity I have to fix that is met with bullshit and drama. All from myself. It's a bottomless pit of self-pity and a huge voice in my head screaming "I don't feel like it." But how's anything going to get better if I don't make it so? It's simply not. Period.
What is it that keeps me up at night?
I should have known something was up when I started seeing this chick from my past all over facebook. It's a big internet, and you should be able to maneuver it without rubbing noses with people you really don't like, but, all of a sudden, there she was, mutual friends with several people I know. UGH. Seeing her is never a good sign in my life. She's just a bad omen for me. Then... BAM... notices in the mail regarding a debt that my ex caused for me. Something I can't prove isn't my fault. How do I fix this? He told me, a few years back, that this aspect of it was all taken care of/addressed. If that's accurate, why am I getting a bill in the mail? I bit the bullet and emailed him over it. I dare the motherfucker to ignore me. I will shamelessly post his business all over facebook. He's all about his image, so hopefully, it won't be an issue. UGH. I need to get this off my mind.
Work is stressing me out right now. A LOT more than it should be. I have to maintain my "bubble" regarding it. I work to live. I do not live to work. I have a job that I should not need to bring home with me, yet, here it is keeping me up at night. It's one of those times in my life where it's beyond frustrating. You know what people want from you, but you don't want to give it because they know what you want and they aren't giving it. Acknowledgement... is it really that difficult? I don't think so. I had to write up this formal dispute over something that I shouldn't have been held accountable for. I got this nice "well done" email from my boss, and then my two supervisors were all praising me for how well I did too. Yes. I have a knack for writing, for getting my point across in an effective manner, but is it REALLY such a shock to you that I'm NOT a goddamn idiot? It's one of those things... at first, I was flattered they were impressed by it, but then, after I thought about it, it seemed a backhanded compliment... like "we really didn't expect this much of you." Oh? And I'm sure I'm making WAY too much of that because I'd have been all butt-hurt if none of them HAD said "good job", but ... fuck... I guess it's because I feel so stagnant and icky right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere fast. I get to feeling stagnant, and I start to resent the people around me. This has become second nature for me now, and I see people every day who simply don't get it the way that I do, yet there they are on the same level carrying the same title as me.
Is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? Maybe I'd feel better if I could just go buy a Porsche or something. eh... cars never really did it for me. What would I want to buy or do with a mid-life crisis? A total body makeover. Ah yes... doesn't it always boil down to self-image? Right now, I simply don't have a good one. It seems like every opportunity I have to fix that is met with bullshit and drama. All from myself. It's a bottomless pit of self-pity and a huge voice in my head screaming "I don't feel like it." But how's anything going to get better if I don't make it so? It's simply not. Period.
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