Week 4

Well... I've got the scale moving in the right direction now.  The official count is 28 pounds lost.  I was doing great, but then I began experiencing some technical difficulties.

Last week, my big incision on my left side started to look like it was opening back up.  It looks like a wide opened mouth (minus teeth) on my abdomen.  I had hoped it was healed sufficiently from when the doc removed the stitches, but the incision is in a weird spot for how my body moves.  Every time I sit down, every time I try to stand back up, every time I lie down/roll over (that sounds like doggie commands. For the record, I don't play dead), or lean forward, I feel that part of my abdomen pulling and stretching, and with it, the incision also pulls and stretches.  Then I looked one day, and it was opened up, and there was goo running out of it.  I called the doctor's office and left a message.  Even though the recording said calls would be returned on the day they're received, I knew it was late in the day, so I didn't expect anything until the next day.  I didn't call back because the voicemail told me not to, so I waited and got wrapped up in preparing for my weekend festivities.  By the time I realized no one had called me back, it was Friday after hours.  This thing was starting to look gross, and I didn't want to sit around all weekend with it like this, so I went to the ER.  They agreed that it shouldn't look like this, so they checked me for infection (negative) and called the on call doctor with the bariatric center to see what they should do with it.  I didn't know they don't re-stitch these things.  I guess there's a concern with closing up some kind of brewing infection and things actually getting worse.

After talking to the on call doc, they showed me how to pack the incision with gauze soaked in a saline solution and how to bandage it up.  I'm glad none of this actually hurts.  I guess that's a good sign too, that it doesn't hurt.  I've been doing this twice a day since Friday night, and it isn't looking any better to me.  In fact, yesterday, it was bleeding.  I'm waiting for the doctor's office to call me to schedule a follow up appointment.  At least that's what the ER people told me was going to happen.  If I don't hear anything today, I will follow up first thing tomorrow.  I hope we're able to get to the bottom of this and get this thing healing up nicely.  The last thing I want is to walk around with a hole in my gut forever.  The ER folks said this kind of thing can happen.  It can be, as I thought, from the way I'm moving aroud, if I've had any bad coughing attacks, if I've strained with a BM, and a few other potential causes were presented.

I've also gotten my first bout of "I tried to eat that food too fast" misery this past Saturday.  I guess I wasn't paying attention and went a little too fast.  I ended up barfing it all back up.  Let me tell you... vomiting this way is sooooo weird.  It's not like typical vomiting that tastes nasty and leaves that stomach acid feeling in your mouth.  It tastes like nothing and feels kind of weird.  It's just unpleasant enough to remind you to never again do what caused the vomiting.  Today, I'm trying to take it easy and not move around so much.  It's hard, though.  I want to be active, and I want to be the rapid healer that I've always been in the past.  I know, too, though, that if I keep it up the way I have been, this incision will never close.

After my Saturday evening vomiting, I woke up Sunday with this nasty pain in my upper right sided abdomen.  I really thought maybe my gall bladder was starting to go bad.  I took some tylenol, which helped.  When I woke up this morning, the pain wasn't a constant, now it only hurts when I try to breathe deeply.  I'm figuring maybe this means something different.  I don't know.  I'll have to ask the doc if it's still happening on my next visit.

In all, I am still happy with my progress.  These difficulties I've had, I think, are the result of my trying to do too much too soon; I have, after all, just had major surgery.  I have no business trying to do things I'd normally do yet.  Today, I'm just trying to take it easy.  Back to making Tony or Michael carry the laundry around for me and having someone else wash the dishes.

Week 3

Well... I've started getting out of the house more.  I went gift shopping last week.  I think I overdid it, though.  I could barely drive home.  I think I'm still pretty swollen in my abdomen because it was murder sitting in the car with jeans on and the waistband digging into my gut.  Normally, with the amount of weight I've lost, these particular pants would be falling off of me.  That was Thursday.  I wore the same pants out again on Saturday night, and it was MUCH more comfortable.

I'm still on the full liquids phase of the eating plan.  On Wednesday, I'll get to upgrade to pureed food.  That means, by the time all these holiday meals roll around, I'll be able to enjoy the healthy parts of them (after running them through the blender first, of course.) haha.

I've made some home made soups for the family that have been nice.  I was able to share them too by just having the broth.  Today, I'm making bean soup with ham.

My scale really hasn't budged much since last week's post.  That's kind of annoying me.  24 pounds down, and 9 of that was prior to surgery on the liquid diet.  Oh well... I guess "right now" doesn't really matter.  What really matters is what happens long term.

I do feel my energy returning, though.  It's a huge plus to be able to shower without needing to crash on the couch for the rest of the day.

There's still a little pain in my left side, but I'm sure that's to be expected.  It's nothing that isn't tolerable, and I certainly don't need any pain meds for it.

Right now I'm looking into getting prepared for pureed foods and solids.  We got some nice lean meats for later this week, and I'm going to try to make mashed cauliflower.  

I think I really should have started measuring myself prior to surgery.  I think it would help to see inches disappearing when the scale is letting me down.  It seems weird to try to start now, but I might.  I mean, there's still plenty more to come off.  haha.

2 Weeks In

I had a friend suggest I do a blog about my post-op progress.  I'll try to keep up with this as best I can, but we'll see how it goes.  Hopefully, it won't fall by the wayside as so many other ideas have along the way.

It's been 2 weeks since my Roux en Y gastric bypass surgery.  Currently, I can tolerate what I'm eating, which is called a "full liquid" diet.  That mainly consists of creamy soups (strained), protein shakes, yogurt (without chunks), sugar free pudding, and mashed up cottage cheese.  I can also have cream of wheat type cereals, but I didn't dig that so much.  I'm drinking lots of water, flavored water, and diet lemonade.  Also, since my 1 week check up, I'm on a regimen of vitamins that should keep me from ever even dreaming about being sick.  

My pain has become mostly situational...  I'll get a twinge when I'm rolling over in bed, or when I go from sitting to standing.  I'm still restricted from doing anything other than walking around my house or the store or something.  I can't lift anything over 15 lbs, and I'm not allowed to exercise yet.

The other day, I was down 25 lbs.  Today, I'm only down 22.  That kind of tripped me out at first.  I'm really not sure how I can be gaining when I'm eating like 4 calories a day, BUT...  it's a process.  I need to remember how my body normally works too.  I need to remember that I normally hoard water mid-monthly cycle, and I'm pretty sure the surgery isn't going to change that.  I just hate plateaus, though.  

It doesn't help that I'm kind of depressed.  I have a raging case of cabin fever, I'm poor, AND this goddamn scale has the nerve to tell me I've added 2 pounds??  What the fuck?  My ass is sore from me sitting on it constantly.  I've read 3 books in 2 days. OH... and I can't sleep.  ARGH.  I guess I'll shut up now.  Complaining never did any good, and what is going on right now will not matter eventually.  I'll get to where I need to be.  I usually do.

Oh... Hi.

I let people let me down too much.  I get so wrapped up in the mystery they convey, and I buy it... hook, line, and sinker.  I don't know why, but I think there's some short-circuited thing inside my head that enjoys thinking there are people out there who are better than me in some way that I wish to be better.  I guess maybe I think I could befriend them and have some of that perceived awesome rub off on me.  Oh yeah... then... up up up on that pedestal they go only to come crashing down the minute I get an actual peek behind the curtain.  Often times, I find out that behind the aforementioned curtain is a place I'd never want to be.

Maybe it's a daddy issue.  Or maybe it's a full-blown parental issue.  All my life, I've yearned for someone I can look up to, and my parents did not fit that bill.  Nine out of ten times, I'm handed scathing examples of exactly what I do not want to be in life.  Maybe that's to be my life...  Maybe I'm to forge my way by making myself the opposite of everything I know I don't want, don't like, and don't need.   I would hope not.

Anyhow... without sounding like a raging ego-maniac, let me say that I know there are folks out there who look up to me.  I know I've let them down on occasion.  I hope they've been kinder than I have been and have remembered that I'm a human being, and we human beings fuck up.  I say that knowing that I will go forth with more kindness in my heart toward people and less of an expectation that they're going to fill some void in me that I can't even identify.

I've been unkind.  I've been mean.  I'm not exactly sorry for it because those feelings have served a purpose.  They've helped me learn and grow.  I guess you could say that I've shown myself who I really don't want to be.

We'll name it later

So much for writing something every day.  For months now, I've been trying that "wake up every morning and make yourself do something you need/want to do" piece of advice that I read somewhere on the internet.  For months now, I've failed miserably.

One of my friends suggested writing about how I have nothing to say.  Isn't that kind of Seinfeld-ish?  I don't know, but I know, after giving the notion considerable thought, that I still have plenty to say.  My audience is what concerns me.  People don't seem to grow, learn, or care enough to think outside the box of their own existence.  People lack the ability and desire to use that most valuable tool... perspective... in order to see a slice of life from any view other than their own.  I guess folks think that, if they acknowledge that there's another way out there, that must mean one option is "right" and another is "wrong".  Maybe that's the case in some instances but not in every instance.  Well... maybe I'm at a point in life where I simply don't want to argue with ignorant people anymore.

and it all boils down to this.

when I struggled with my life, I saw all these people around me who seemed to "get it", and I resented the hell out of them.  It seemed so easy for them.  They were my age or older, they weren't struggling, and they seemed to have a grasp on all those little life secrets that made everything so fucking grand.  They'd spew forth some pearl of wisdom from time to time, and I'd sit there and think how full of shit they were... they made it seem sooooo easy, and it just HAD to be something a lot more complex than that... at least for MY life because they'd never had the same struggles I had experienced...  but...

one day, something clicked.

and I began to see that most of them were right.  not only for their own lives, but for mine as well because, in essence, how different was it truly?  and... yeah... it really was that simple.  that realization made me feel kind of stupid.  on the surface, many of these things I've learned, many of the tools I've used in my growth and learning process have been relatively simple... why was I so dismissive of it?  why had I been so hard-headed about acknowledging that my struggle was not exclusive to me?

I guess I think if some hard-headed dipshit like myself can eventually "get it", then everyone else should be able to.  That's just not the case, and I need to realize I can't force that to happen for others.  I think that's where I am now.  I think I need to sit back and remember those who value it.

perspective.

I'll be forever grateful for it.

State of The Dissy

Last night, Cakey and I were talking about something he'd read in a book we got at the bookstore yesterday.  We were talking about the mind, thoughts, and how damaging the act of thinking could be.  The book suggested that, when we start to think, we simply become an observer of our thoughts.  I'm not sure why the conversation upset me so much, but I ended up a crying heap on the couch.  I guess, if I take an objective look, it's because I wonder if I'll ever learn to stop fucking myself up with my thoughts.  Sure... it's a possibility.  I guess.  Maybe.

No matter what you try to do with other people, it really sucks feeling like you're the only one who wants it.  I'm trying to put together a group of like-minded friends to do things together, to grow and learn in our practices and faith.  It feels like pulling teeth to get an ounce of energy from anyone who isn't me.  Why am I always in "that" role?  The one for whom nothing can happen smoothly and easily.  Always, always I have to prove to the universe how badly I want it.  I don't think I've ever been that person who has taken things for granted.  Maybe it's from a past life or something.  Funny...  it's always the things that matter the most to me that don't come easily.  I mean, shit... it took me how long to find my true mate?

The mood I'm currently in...  Well...  I guess I'll try to observe my thoughts.  Maybe I can develop this skill.  Who knows?  I wonder if the person who came up with this fantastic peace-finding tactic was a female, and, if so, how did she handle the goddamn hormones?

I thought I avoided PMS this month.  I guess it's going to be the variety that shows up after the fact, though.  Plus, it didn't really help matters that shit started about a week early.

Well... I have to go now.  It's later than I intended, and there's that job.  Maybe that woman at the psych eval was right.  Maybe I'm depressed.

Cats, bags, and whatnot

One of my resolutions was to work on getting myself into a shape that is not "round".  After living my history and seeing my future and where that is heading, I made a decision to look into bariatric surgery.

Was this decision made easier by knowing people who have had this done and have had wonderful success with it?  I'd be lying if I said no.  The thing is?  Sometimes others show things to us we may not have thought of before.  Sometimes the example of another shows us there is a way out of feeling despair over a situation you feel you have no control over.

I'm never going to be one of those people.  I'm never going to accept myself the way that I am.  Everyone else does, but I don't.  I have learned, over time, that I'm the one with the issues about my body.  I guess it took meeting Michael to make me realize that.  I know he sees beyond all this blobbiness I have.  I know he loves me exactly the way I am right this very minute.  The thing is?  I don't.  Now I know that.  I thought if I met someone who loved me as I am that it would, somehow, cause me to do the same.  I know now that this simply isn't true.

I've had my doctor tell me, not so long ago, that, if I don't watch it, I'm going to start getting sick because of this extra weight.  The kinds of sickness I will get could ultimately cause my death.  That scared the shit out of me for a while, and I busted my ass, yet again, for a while, and, yet again, I let it all go only to end up worse off than I was to begin with.  I can feel my health deteriorating.  I'm tired of having no energy.  I'm tired of always worrying about my rolls showing.  I'm tired of thinking if I'm so disguated with myself then everyone else should be too.  Anywho...

I've done a lot of reasearch, and believe me, it's far from the easy way out.  Those of you who can have success with modifying your food and exercising for a while, well, I'm happy for you.  What you will be able to do that I won't be able to do is break your diet and binge on a pizza for the evening and get back on your wagon the next morning.  I won't ever be able to do that again.

My consultation is this Wednesday.  I'm looking forward to getting started.  I'm looking forward to progress.