I let people let me down too much. I get so wrapped up in the mystery they convey, and I buy it... hook, line, and sinker. I don't know why, but I think there's some short-circuited thing inside my head that enjoys thinking there are people out there who are better than me in some way that I wish to be better. I guess maybe I think I could befriend them and have some of that perceived awesome rub off on me. Oh yeah... then... up up up on that pedestal they go only to come crashing down the minute I get an actual peek behind the curtain. Often times, I find out that behind the aforementioned curtain is a place I'd never want to be.
Maybe it's a daddy issue. Or maybe it's a full-blown parental issue. All my life, I've yearned for someone I can look up to, and my parents did not fit that bill. Nine out of ten times, I'm handed scathing examples of exactly what I do not want to be in life. Maybe that's to be my life... Maybe I'm to forge my way by making myself the opposite of everything I know I don't want, don't like, and don't need. I would hope not.
Anyhow... without sounding like a raging ego-maniac, let me say that I know there are folks out there who look up to me. I know I've let them down on occasion. I hope they've been kinder than I have been and have remembered that I'm a human being, and we human beings fuck up. I say that knowing that I will go forth with more kindness in my heart toward people and less of an expectation that they're going to fill some void in me that I can't even identify.
I've been unkind. I've been mean. I'm not exactly sorry for it because those feelings have served a purpose. They've helped me learn and grow. I guess you could say that I've shown myself who I really don't want to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment