Why is it that I only ever seem motivated to write when I'm feeling down? What good is it to engage when I have nothing good to say? My lemons, they spoiled, so there will be no making lemonade not this week, anyhow... Just sayin', ya know?
There seems to be a plethora of shit being slung around. Here lately, I'm glad to be just out of the reach of the shit being slung. My empathy lies not where others think it ought to. Is it "mean" of me to feel this way? And why don't I care if that answer is "yes, Christina, yes, it is mean of you to feel that way."? Why doesn't that matter to me? Deep within, I know. I think this means I have arrived. I have disembarked the train at the station named, "I don't give a fuck what you think about me, and what I think and feel". Really? Keep me out of it.
I just want the joy back. Honestly? I think I'm going hormonal. Peri-menopausal. I should probably get that looked into. I never used to mood swing this way. If I was down, there was a reason, sadly enough. It's sad, to me, that I've found a place of joy only to have my middle-aged hormones take over and pull me back to the dark side. Maybe I should just say, "fuck it" and get medicated. Sure, I'll gain 3000 pounds and no one will ever look twice at me, but, damn it, I'll be happy. I know... I know... it's MY job to make me happy. Thing is? I'm doing all the things I should be doing, and it just isn't working lately.
Well... I'll be back. I know I will. I'll figure this out. It's just not my way not to. Ya know? My leg doesn't say, "remember, I win" for no reason.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Whoa
My friend just called me. She's with her uncle, who is in the hospital. He's "enjoying" his last moments of lucidity before the cancer that has invaded his body takes over, has its way, and takes him away from all of his loved ones. He knows what's going on. How scary is that? Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of ... claustrophobia. I don't even want to imagine how badly it must suck to know you're on your way out. How awful is it to lay there knowing that, at any minute, you will no longer "be"?
I hope it comes quickly for me... you know, after I've fully lived my 114 years of life, enjoyed my "happily ever after" and am in need or want of nothing more.
I hope it comes quickly for me... you know, after I've fully lived my 114 years of life, enjoyed my "happily ever after" and am in need or want of nothing more.
Monday, July 4, 2011
20 Years Later
Yesterday, I took my son to meet his younger sisters. They're the daughters of my ex husband and his wife. It was me, the boy, his fiance, my ex mother-in-law, my ex's new wife, and their two girls. We met up at an ice cream stand that has this little lake and park-like atmosphere out behind it.
I immediately liked Candi, the new wife. She's a uniter, not a divider, and that is wonderful for someone like me. She embraced my son in the most loving way. I immediately got teary eyed. Then she came over and gave me the biggest hug. She wasn't about excluding me or trying to take over my boy, which, I think every mother would fear in a similar situation. My ex didn't come to the ice cream adventure. He wanted to, but my son said no. He wasn't ready to meet him yet. He was within his rights to feel that way because, well, honestly, his father has neglected him for the past 21 years.
The girls, 9 and 7, immediately took to their "big brother". He had them down by the lake, where he taught them to skip rocks, and, again, I got teary eyed over the first exchanged "high five". The girls then insisted that we come to their picnic for the 4th of July. The boy agreed. He knew, in that moment, that he had also agreed to meet the man who had co-created him.
When Grandma had to get going, my son said he wasn't done playing with his sisters, which amused me to no end, given he's 22 years old. It was then suggested that we go over to Grandma's house, where everyone was staying. Guess that meeting was coming sooner than we thought.
There was no great fanfare, just a simple, "hey, stranger" from me, and a handshake between the sperm donor and his son. Candi and I "get it" that this is a big occasion, and I think we automatically had that family bond thing going on. The men, it will take time. Maybe he'll graduate from "sperm donor" to "father" or "dad". Maybe he won't. Time will tell. I hope the best for him and the boy because he is missing out on one awesome kid. His girls, though, are sweet, and, for sure and for certain, they love their big brother.
Codi (left) and Jessi (right) with the bears their big brother, Tony (center) gave them.
I immediately liked Candi, the new wife. She's a uniter, not a divider, and that is wonderful for someone like me. She embraced my son in the most loving way. I immediately got teary eyed. Then she came over and gave me the biggest hug. She wasn't about excluding me or trying to take over my boy, which, I think every mother would fear in a similar situation. My ex didn't come to the ice cream adventure. He wanted to, but my son said no. He wasn't ready to meet him yet. He was within his rights to feel that way because, well, honestly, his father has neglected him for the past 21 years.
The girls, 9 and 7, immediately took to their "big brother". He had them down by the lake, where he taught them to skip rocks, and, again, I got teary eyed over the first exchanged "high five". The girls then insisted that we come to their picnic for the 4th of July. The boy agreed. He knew, in that moment, that he had also agreed to meet the man who had co-created him.
When Grandma had to get going, my son said he wasn't done playing with his sisters, which amused me to no end, given he's 22 years old. It was then suggested that we go over to Grandma's house, where everyone was staying. Guess that meeting was coming sooner than we thought.
There was no great fanfare, just a simple, "hey, stranger" from me, and a handshake between the sperm donor and his son. Candi and I "get it" that this is a big occasion, and I think we automatically had that family bond thing going on. The men, it will take time. Maybe he'll graduate from "sperm donor" to "father" or "dad". Maybe he won't. Time will tell. I hope the best for him and the boy because he is missing out on one awesome kid. His girls, though, are sweet, and, for sure and for certain, they love their big brother.
Codi (left) and Jessi (right) with the bears their big brother, Tony (center) gave them.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Lucky
Days like today remind me of how very lucky I am.
I don't have to answer to anyone or do anything I don't absolutely want to do, with the exception of my job, and I'm lucky to have one that I do enjoy.
I'm so enjoying the new neighborhood. Tonight, I went down to Angel Falls (a coffee shop) with Heidi. We sat on the sidewalk patio and shot the shit with the guys at the next table. There was no agenda going on, just a bunch of people enjoying an awesome evening. I love nights like this. It was warm, yet pleasant to be outside. There was a nice breeze. There were friends, conversation, and laughter.
Times like this, I wonder what in the hell I need a man for? I'm so happy now. Why complicate my life with a relationship that will probably end up going to shit anyhow? I think my bout of being lonely has passed, which is good. I was starting to feel like a whiny little bitch. I mean, yeah, it comes around sometimes, that feeling, but it always goes away.
I'm blessed beyond measure with all of the genuine love and friendship that I have in my life. Truly, I wouldn't lift a finger to take another thing.
I don't have to answer to anyone or do anything I don't absolutely want to do, with the exception of my job, and I'm lucky to have one that I do enjoy.
I'm so enjoying the new neighborhood. Tonight, I went down to Angel Falls (a coffee shop) with Heidi. We sat on the sidewalk patio and shot the shit with the guys at the next table. There was no agenda going on, just a bunch of people enjoying an awesome evening. I love nights like this. It was warm, yet pleasant to be outside. There was a nice breeze. There were friends, conversation, and laughter.
Times like this, I wonder what in the hell I need a man for? I'm so happy now. Why complicate my life with a relationship that will probably end up going to shit anyhow? I think my bout of being lonely has passed, which is good. I was starting to feel like a whiny little bitch. I mean, yeah, it comes around sometimes, that feeling, but it always goes away.
I'm blessed beyond measure with all of the genuine love and friendship that I have in my life. Truly, I wouldn't lift a finger to take another thing.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
A Place of Love
This past fall, when I learned I had to move, I didn't know where I would go or where I wanted to be. I seriously considered packing up and moving to St. Louis, but it didn't happen. I like to say it's because of my job and my unwillingness to believe that I would find one as good out there. Honestly? I think my life here in Akron simply isn't over yet.
I had been having dreams of being somewhere, I'd always assumed it was St. Louis, I was in this place, I was standing on a balcony, I could hear music playing, I felt someone come up behind me and put his arms around me. Gently, we swayed to the music. He kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, "this is a place of love for you." Never mind who it was, because I'm pretty sure that isn't the important part.
I remember when I first saw this apartment. I didn't look around as well as I wanted to because the guy who was still living here was home at the time, and I didn't really feel comfortable nosing around with his things here. I said I'd take the place because it was an improvement from where I was currently living, it was in a secured building, and it was in a neighborhood I'd always wanted to live in. There you have it. I signed on the non-dotted line, and it was a done deal.
The day I got the keys, I came here immediately afterwards. I came in to do a Pagan cleansing ritual before bringing any of my belongings here. I basically wanted to rid the place of any negative energies and prepare the place for myself. While I was here, I decided to step out on the balcony, and, when I did, I immediately knew I was moving to the right place. I knew this was home. I knew this was my place of love. The view was the same as the dream. All that was missing was the music and the arms.
Most people don't believe in reincarnation, but I do. Standing in that empty apartment, I knew, as well, that I'd been here before. It was a moment of total clarity. I could tell you what I had and where it all had been, and none of it was anything I currently owned. One of my prior incarnations had lived here before. For a while, that confused me. Was this her place of love, was it to be mine, was it ours, or was that former life calling me back here to give me some kind of healing that I was desperately needing?
and here comes the part where I want to rapidly wrap up the ending because I'm tired of writing now, I have a migraine, and I have things to do today. Because of endings I'd rushed in the past, however, I know that I simply can't do that this time, so I'll leave you with this:
To be continued.
I had been having dreams of being somewhere, I'd always assumed it was St. Louis, I was in this place, I was standing on a balcony, I could hear music playing, I felt someone come up behind me and put his arms around me. Gently, we swayed to the music. He kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, "this is a place of love for you." Never mind who it was, because I'm pretty sure that isn't the important part.
I remember when I first saw this apartment. I didn't look around as well as I wanted to because the guy who was still living here was home at the time, and I didn't really feel comfortable nosing around with his things here. I said I'd take the place because it was an improvement from where I was currently living, it was in a secured building, and it was in a neighborhood I'd always wanted to live in. There you have it. I signed on the non-dotted line, and it was a done deal.
The day I got the keys, I came here immediately afterwards. I came in to do a Pagan cleansing ritual before bringing any of my belongings here. I basically wanted to rid the place of any negative energies and prepare the place for myself. While I was here, I decided to step out on the balcony, and, when I did, I immediately knew I was moving to the right place. I knew this was home. I knew this was my place of love. The view was the same as the dream. All that was missing was the music and the arms.
Most people don't believe in reincarnation, but I do. Standing in that empty apartment, I knew, as well, that I'd been here before. It was a moment of total clarity. I could tell you what I had and where it all had been, and none of it was anything I currently owned. One of my prior incarnations had lived here before. For a while, that confused me. Was this her place of love, was it to be mine, was it ours, or was that former life calling me back here to give me some kind of healing that I was desperately needing?
and here comes the part where I want to rapidly wrap up the ending because I'm tired of writing now, I have a migraine, and I have things to do today. Because of endings I'd rushed in the past, however, I know that I simply can't do that this time, so I'll leave you with this:
To be continued.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My Weekly Rant
Why the fuck do people think it's okay to be so condescending and patronizing to their friends under the guise of "meaning well"? Sure, every word can't be well thought out, absolutely appropriate, or... just... perfect, but DAMN... Give a little more thought to the shit you say to your FRIENDS when they're feeling down.
This all stems from my feeling lonely this week. I voiced something about this on FB yesterday, and I got one of the patronizing remarks that we single folk tend to get when we have the audacity to voice our loneliness, "oh, it'll happen when you least expect it." Really? who the fuck says I'm "expecting" anything? Who the fuck says I'm not out there thoroughly enjoying my single life, making the most of it, working on myself, and being the best me I can possibly be with NO EXPECTATION of it all winning the heart of some unsuspecting schmuck? Who says I'm not doing it, ALL OF IT because it makes ME happy, proud of myself, and it makes me feel good inside?
Guess what? Right now, in myriad ways, I'm happier than I've EVER been, and there is no man at my side. I'm having a hormonal week, I feel a little bit lonely, and I shared it with my friends. fucking crucify me for it, why don't ya? Why not paint me as some clingy, whiny, desperate asshole who can't function without a man in her life? Because, when you patronize me the way you did, that's how I think you see me. In all honesty, I shouldn't care, but I think a bit of me used to be that girl and, guess what? I'm fucking NOT anymore. I'm proud of who I've become, and the fact that you said such a thing to me clearly indicates that you've paid no attention to the changes I've made in my life. That's the part that hurts. No credit for progress. Well, guess what? I don't NEED your validation because I know what I know, and I'm happy with me. Still, that doesn't mean I need patronizing remarks that are meant to "bring hope" when my hope will ALWAYS be in tact.
Bite me.
I know I'm being tested by the universe. Now, when I'm feeling low, I get to see a couple of asshole women with seemingly awesome guys. Probably they're all jackasses, and I have no way of knowing that things are so perfect for them. It just bothers me when ... well... assholes are happy because, at least in the case presented above, being happy doesn't prevent them from being assholes. Guess what, though? This guy isn't going to fix what is wrong in the pit of your soul. It is YOUR job to fix you, to complete you, and to make you happy. I regret that it took me so long to learn that.
This all stems from my feeling lonely this week. I voiced something about this on FB yesterday, and I got one of the patronizing remarks that we single folk tend to get when we have the audacity to voice our loneliness, "oh, it'll happen when you least expect it." Really? who the fuck says I'm "expecting" anything? Who the fuck says I'm not out there thoroughly enjoying my single life, making the most of it, working on myself, and being the best me I can possibly be with NO EXPECTATION of it all winning the heart of some unsuspecting schmuck? Who says I'm not doing it, ALL OF IT because it makes ME happy, proud of myself, and it makes me feel good inside?
Guess what? Right now, in myriad ways, I'm happier than I've EVER been, and there is no man at my side. I'm having a hormonal week, I feel a little bit lonely, and I shared it with my friends. fucking crucify me for it, why don't ya? Why not paint me as some clingy, whiny, desperate asshole who can't function without a man in her life? Because, when you patronize me the way you did, that's how I think you see me. In all honesty, I shouldn't care, but I think a bit of me used to be that girl and, guess what? I'm fucking NOT anymore. I'm proud of who I've become, and the fact that you said such a thing to me clearly indicates that you've paid no attention to the changes I've made in my life. That's the part that hurts. No credit for progress. Well, guess what? I don't NEED your validation because I know what I know, and I'm happy with me. Still, that doesn't mean I need patronizing remarks that are meant to "bring hope" when my hope will ALWAYS be in tact.
Bite me.
I know I'm being tested by the universe. Now, when I'm feeling low, I get to see a couple of asshole women with seemingly awesome guys. Probably they're all jackasses, and I have no way of knowing that things are so perfect for them. It just bothers me when ... well... assholes are happy because, at least in the case presented above, being happy doesn't prevent them from being assholes. Guess what, though? This guy isn't going to fix what is wrong in the pit of your soul. It is YOUR job to fix you, to complete you, and to make you happy. I regret that it took me so long to learn that.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Random Thoughts
Since Cristy posted hers, it inspired me to share mine.
No carbs isn't working as well for me as it did before. I'm going to change up the diet some over the course of the weekend. I'm thinking of going with a whole foods approach. We'll see how it looks when I visit Earth Fare probably on Sunday.
People who bully others piss me off. You don't dump on someone about anything other than what they actually did to YOU. You don't berate, piss, and moan about everything that person supposedly did to everyone else on the planet. Shit... stick with what directly affects you.
I wish I could get away with going to work dressed like a hooker like this one broad at work does. Well, no, I don't wish I could. I wouldn't inflict my flab and rolls on my co-workers, most of whom, I like.
I'm so excited about my new yoga adventures.
I've finally learned. I hope the universe doesn't put me through this same lesson again. Genuinely, I get it now. I'm done. I'm leaving it alone now. Hot stoves ALWAYS burn.
I like slowly sipping this strawberry flavored fizzy water I bought at Walmart this evening. It kind of reminds me of wine or something. I love that it's 0 calories, 0 carbs, etc. Don't worry, I don't fool myself into thinking I'm drinking water. I still have my 96oz of water daily.
I really like Jessica. I'm glad we've become friends. I've wanted to make peace for a long time, but friends? That's so much more than I hoped for and it's awesome.
I got two dresses at Burlington last night. They're cute. Now let's see if I'm brave enough to actually wear the one out somewhere. The other one's for my cousin's wedding.
I think I'm done rambling now. I need to go and start getting over it. Now I know, for sure and for certain, it will happen this time. I don't need to wonder anymore. I know I tried, I know it isn't my fault. I know.
No carbs isn't working as well for me as it did before. I'm going to change up the diet some over the course of the weekend. I'm thinking of going with a whole foods approach. We'll see how it looks when I visit Earth Fare probably on Sunday.
People who bully others piss me off. You don't dump on someone about anything other than what they actually did to YOU. You don't berate, piss, and moan about everything that person supposedly did to everyone else on the planet. Shit... stick with what directly affects you.
I wish I could get away with going to work dressed like a hooker like this one broad at work does. Well, no, I don't wish I could. I wouldn't inflict my flab and rolls on my co-workers, most of whom, I like.
I'm so excited about my new yoga adventures.
I've finally learned. I hope the universe doesn't put me through this same lesson again. Genuinely, I get it now. I'm done. I'm leaving it alone now. Hot stoves ALWAYS burn.
I like slowly sipping this strawberry flavored fizzy water I bought at Walmart this evening. It kind of reminds me of wine or something. I love that it's 0 calories, 0 carbs, etc. Don't worry, I don't fool myself into thinking I'm drinking water. I still have my 96oz of water daily.
I really like Jessica. I'm glad we've become friends. I've wanted to make peace for a long time, but friends? That's so much more than I hoped for and it's awesome.
I got two dresses at Burlington last night. They're cute. Now let's see if I'm brave enough to actually wear the one out somewhere. The other one's for my cousin's wedding.
I think I'm done rambling now. I need to go and start getting over it. Now I know, for sure and for certain, it will happen this time. I don't need to wonder anymore. I know I tried, I know it isn't my fault. I know.
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